Difference between EF and processing past emotional trauma????

[Butterfly66]

Hello everyone

I don't know whether there is a difference, last night I met up with a friend, it was our last evening together as she is going off travelling to India this week and unsure where she will settle after her journey, she has sold her home and her belongings are in storage.

I was present during the evening and we had a meal together,  when I drove her home I said I don't know how to do this, goodbye or what is it, we said "see you" and there is likely to be contact via what's app if she gets a new phone in time. 

She has really let go and following the pulls in her life after s difficult 4 year journey for her where she has been literally forced to let go.  I didn't have an emotional reaction last night I felt amazingly calm and enjoyed the evening with her, something I have not experienced in a while, despite most days not being able to get dressed or going until early afternoon.

Then this morning I didn't want to open my eyes, to face the day, when I got out of bed, for some reason I had I hate you thoughts going on in my head, usually I am not aware of my head chatter just awash with emotion, I then went through a huge  process, not sure in which order now, I drew the hate, then wrote about hate, which ended up about darkness and light, I sat with what was going on in my body, I found an emptiness in my chest which flowed through to a tightness in my tummy at the side, I asked its colour and if it was a musical,sound what wouldn't be and hummed it, I then felt this growling release as the tightness began to,open,

I put music on to dance, It didn't do anything, I put on some sad songs and cried and cried and remembered my dad, then this hatred again, I got the rolling pin out and pounded the bed and pounded it really letting loose, I then wrote some more and cried some more, comforted myself and then danced with some dance music.  I feel I may have been emotionally processing something deep, or was it an emotional flashback because my friend is leaving to travel and I feel the loss, grief and abandonment.  I am feeling pretty flat now, low and flat.  It was s tough process whatever it was.
I get a sense it was about my dad, who I did not see from 6 months until I was 5 years old, then infrequently until he took his life when I was 14 years.  I think this may have been abandonment  from when I was 6 months old, can you feel abandonment at this age, I don't know, but it needed to be felt whatever it was.

I'm now feeling alone and sad and abandoned so I am reaching out to share what has happened this morning to me instead of keeping it inside.  Th reality is that I am not alone and abandoned I have myself and a community to talk to now.  If you read this, I would appreciate it if you could stop by and write to me even if it is just say hello to me.

Blessings
Deb x

[Jdog]

Hello, Butterfly66-

What a journey you describe, going so deelply into your pain and coming through to the other side.  I am in awe of your courage, creativity, and passion.  Yes, a child at 6 months (and much younger) can feel abandonment.  You were abandoned twice by your Dad, and the pain from that leaves a big mark upon a person. 

Be assured that you are not alone in this, and that your reactions are perfectly normal.  You are safe in this community and we are holding you in our hearts.

Be kind to yourself and know that you are enough just as you are.

[woodsgnome]

Butterfly66, thank you for putting your emotions into a beautiful but poignant description of what so many here feel like. Sadly, this is often the case with me, as I have huge abandonment issues mixed in with so much other abuse at an age when I couldn't handle it (and actually still can't).

I appreciate your move to music as a soothing measure. That's what I often do as well; but like you, that just as often can fall short of the relief I seek, and often end up with the fear, anger, and tears you describe. And finally, "low and flat". If not defeated, feeling like the bottom has fallen out of my world.

The header on your entry refers to the "difference" between an ef and processing. There may be that, but this seems like another example of where any words fall short of the emotional pain, no matter its origin. What you've shared is probably some sort of mix of the ef/processing you wondered about.

Whatever the words, you felt the pain as a rift to your being. On the flip side of that, your 'melt' into the pain itself is indicative of the courage it takes to return to hope.

Wishing you well in that journey. 

[Three Roses]

Hello Butterfly! Good morning to you. I am lying here in bed still, drinking my coffee and hoping you have a refreshing day after getting all that out!

I would write more if I felt coherent, haha, not really awake yet. Rough night.

I look forward to hearing more from you. 

[meursault]

Hey Butterfly66,

That sounds like there were all sorts of currents going on under the surface.  It sounds exhausting!

Meursault

[sanmagic7]

hi butterfly66,

it sounds like a whole lot of processing to me, possibly being triggered by your friend leaving and an ef flashing back to your dad, all mixed up in one.  i give you so much credit for seeing it through, for going with the flow of it.  banging on my bed is one of my favorite ways to get my anger out, by the by.

flat and low after being depleted of so much emotion sounds about right.  what you did, all that you did is exhausting.  we're with you all the way.

[Fightsong]

sounds like you were in touch with the feelings and let them flow and be and responded from your true self. Whatever they mean and wherever they come from.Our adult brains so want to know whys and wherefores , our inner children just want us to let them be and sit by them whilst they feel. Hats off to you for letting it be.

[Butterfly66]

Thank you Sanmagic 7, Meursault, Fightsong, Three Roses, Woodsgnome and Jdog for all your replies I really appreciate your supportive and affirming words, thank you, thank you, thank you. 

So much is coming up and out that I can't quite keep up with it.  It's like my Inner Child has finally realised I'm here and there are others too that will listen to her and she wants to talk, that's fine with me , I hope it is with you all too, I'm not used to all this sharing and talking but I'm going with the flow.  She deserves to be heard and I feel like I have a safe place to share.   

I'm looking at an online helpline that I can also talk to until I am assigned a T, there is a waiting list of around 18 weeks for an organisation which specialises in adult survivors of childhood abuse and I want to make sure she is heard especially when feeling overwhelmed.

[Three Roses]

It sure is fine with us! But always please remember; it's always about your healing, FIRST. It's okay to go slower, take a break now and then, or even a hiatus.

We're here for you.