Trying to make some sense of it all...

[Blossoming]

Thanks sanmagic7 and Wife#2.

I do think he is and has been holding the past against me for a longtime. I can actually understand how he can justify his affair in his own mind. He doesn't know that I know so it's hard to keep up the act. I don't want it to end on bad terms. I'm sure he has cPTSD too.

I might just write him a letter and then maybe or maybe not give it to him but I know it would help me get everything off my chest.

[Three Roses]

Sending good, positive thoughts your way this morning.

[Wife#2]

Even if you burn it later, writing that letter may be a very healthy thing today. In the meantime, get that car (don't let him back out on that) and follow up about the job. Then, do something absolutely wonderful for yourself. Whether it's write that letter, take a long soaking bath or look through the available rentals nearby, do something proactively nice for YOU, for BLOSSOM and nobody else. It'll help you get through whatever ugliness may be brewing.

[Blossoming]

Thanks Three Roses and Wife#2.
I'm just now starting to be able to cry but the floodgates haven't opened yet. I had a feeling he met her through work (we work for the same company) so I got on my email and typed her name and sure enough I found her in the directory. Before that I wasn't 100% sure I had the correct information to go with the phone number but I was right. I wrote him a letter but I probably won't give it to him but was therapeutic writing it.

[sanmagic7]

writing that letter was another step toward taking back your life and your power.  glad you did it.  dang!  hang tough, sweetie.  keep moving forward, you've got some momentum.  we're all behind you here.  big hug!

[Blossoming]

Thanks again sanmagic7.

I bought a car yesterday! My own car in my name. I'm really excited.

I'm starting to feel better and yesterday I was finally able to eat enough again. I didn't get the old restriction high from going hungry like I did during my eating disorder so I think that's a good sign that my remission is solid. There's still a lot to be grateful for and I know I'm handling this better than I would have even just one year ago.

[Three Roses]

 

In your corner, Blossoming

[sanmagic7]

that's great, blossoming, all of it.  they're all steps you're taking to giving yourself your own life.  i got my first car at 20, and i never looked back.  it was a sign of independence to me.   congrats to you!  here's hoping you can keep moving forward as best you are able.  cheers!

[Blossoming]

Thanks sanmagic7 and Three Roses.

I talked to him. It turned out to be someone different than I thought but sort of worse because it is someone we have both worked with for years and they currently still work together. It's been an intense several days.
He says he wants to stay together and try to work things out but I can tell he has a lot of deep resentment towards me because of the past. I admit I'm not the best at relationships and have made some huge mistakes but even he says there isn't anything I've done in the last two years. I just don't know if this marriage can be salvaged if he is going to continue to be unable to forgive me. It's not lost on me either that he is focusing on me and my faults, flaws and mistakes again when he is the one who just had an affair. I definitely don't want to stay in a relationship where my husband has so many ill feelings towards me and I can never truly regain his love and trust. What a mess.

[Three Roses]

  Sorry you are going thru this. I'm here for you.

[Blossoming]

Thanks Three Roses, that means a lot.

I just can't stand to not deal with issues as they arise so I told him how I felt about him holding the past against me for so long. I don't think it's good to stay in a relationship where a person feels that degree of resentment towards their partner.  I also think he is using his feelings about things that happened in the past to justify his affair. I asked him if he really wants to work on our relationship or if he thinks the past is just too much to overcome and he says he loves me and wants to try to make it work. I told him I felt it seemed unlikely he could ever forgive me since I've been trying hard for the last couple years to prove myself and he has just become more and more distant. Even if he wants to make it work I'm not sure if that's what I want because I'm tired of living this way. I'm just writing this all out because it's helping me cope and gain some clarity.

[Blossoming]

I think I'm starting to phase out of shock finally and more into hurt and anger with a tinge of denial. I haven't really let go and cried fully yet. I can't for some reason. I wonder if I'm disassociating at times. The good news is that I've been eating decently and sleeping ok with the help of an over the counter sleep remedy.

I think I've been thinking fairly realistically. Since he says he wants to stay together I broached the subject of marriage counseling and got an immediate and passionate "No". I told him that gave me little hope because he should be willing to do whatever it takes at this point to save our marriage. He then said he would think about it.

One thing I'm proud of is that I'm speaking up and not holding anything back.

I also bought a sketch book and some pencils today because drawing is something I used to enjoy doing that I gave up a long time ago to focus on my family. It's something I can do for myself. I'm just focusing on self care as much as possible right now.

[Blossoming]

I've been reading a lot about infidelity and processing things the best I can. Most days I eat ok but I do have days that I fall short. Last night sleep was poor despite taking medicine to help with sleep. I've done some things to help myself like getting rid of a sun dress I wore to a pool party at his mistresses house this summer. Two days ago I went to their job unannounced. I'm not sure why except I figured I could probably tell by his reaction to me being there if he was being sincere about wanting to work things out. I didn't see her and maybe it was a misguided attempt to mark my territory but he was not happy to see me at all. That was a huge red flag and I told him as much. Part of me wonders what the heck I'm doing and the other part wants to try to salvage the relationship.

I think I'm finally crashing after trying to keep it together over the holidays. I've been having 1-3 alcoholic drinks most days as well which I need to stop. I didn't even make it to work today because I'm just plain exhausted.

[Three Roses]

Hugs to you, Blossoming, during this difficult time. Know what you know, feel what you feel, see what you see. You are worthy of love and respect, and worth taking care of yourself.

[Blossoming]

Thanks Three Roses. The tears are finally starting to flow. I'm so grateful to have this space to journal and to help me not feel so alone.