Meursault's Journal

[radical]

 

[meursault]

I was looking through this thread to try to find some supportive stuff on Tuesday night to help me through the week, and radical, I wasn't really recognizing it, since I think I've been in such a constant state of emotional flashback for weeks and weeks, but you have a great deal of wisdom, but I was missing it.  My brain wasn't even speaking the same language!  You wrote a bunch of things I need to take to heart, I think.

And I really appreciate all the positive comments I've gotten here.  There's an old war buddy in an episode of Firefly, and there's a saying they have along the lines of: "Run.  When you can't run, walk, when you can't walk, crawl.  And when you can't crawl, find somebody to carry you."  Thanks everyone here for carrying me for a while.  I'm not out of this craziness yet, but I sure appreciate what you've done for me!

I've gotten a lot of support over the last few days from people around me.  Several people whom I haven't spoken to for a year, three years etc too.  Old therapists, distant family, etc even.

My uncle and I hung around for a couple of hours waiting for stuff on Wednesday, and he told me "I'd be devastated by it, but every day for the last six years I've been expecting a call from your Mom saying you're dead."

It's so good I have this support from people, but at the same time, it's also something I am doing alone.  It's only me living this.  I don't know.  Feeling very confused by everything.

I'm not sure if anyone remembers a couple of months ago when I went to that single intro session to see about a new EMDR guy, and he was so terrible, I ended up in the crisis centre, and had a couple of close calls with self-destruction.  Anyhow, that old friend from high school who is a therapist who told me she heard good things about him, and then was disgusted when I told her of what transpired, texted yesterday, and told me a patient of a colleague went to see him as well and has ended up in the psych ward after a single session.  I've had so much on my plate, I haven't properly complained to his regulatory body:  they really make it almost impossible, but I feel a couple of things:  I feel guilty for not complaining, maybe that wouldn't have happened with this other person, and I feel a bit vindicated, like people won't just assume there is something wrong with me, or I'm weak or lying or something.

Anyhow, my therapist has let me have unlimited emailing with her this week, which I'm so grateful for that extra care she is taking with me, so I've sent four emails.

I told her that I am feeling like a baby and I just want her to hold me and soothe me, and that sort of thing, and how I saw a cartoon series on attachment with a baby reaching for its mother with the thought bubble saying: "I need you to delight in me" showing those basic attachment needs.  I told her I was calming myself by visualizing holding her hand and having her basically feeling that way about me: delighting in my being.  I'm now feeling really vulnerable with her for that, like she will ridicule me or hate me or be enraged for wanting to feel that.  I logically knowshe won't, but it's the emotional expectation.  It's weird.  I feel complete shame and terror about her reaction for feeling so open and vulnerable and needy of her, yet I also feel excitement and acceptance and hope.  It's like there is an ocean of pain just behind a thin wall of terror and humiliation, and if I can just drop that wall, the ocean will just flow into her accepting arms and be contained by some gentle lovingness or something.  I don't know.  I'm weird.

Good god.  I explicitly told her I need to feel that she delights in me.  I feel really vulnerable with that.

Anyhow...  I just love that woman, I think she's saved my life.  I'm so glad she has such good boundaries, because she could so easily exploit or hurt me.

Meursault

[sanmagic7]

i think your vulnerability is just that - vulnerability because of all the emotional pain you're going thru and the toll it's taking on you for such a long time.  she seems to have very good understanding of all that, from what you've written, and knows what transference is all about.  it's very common, especially in such a terrifying situation. 

as far as not reporting the other therapist, well, ya know what, meursault?  we can't do everything or be everywhere all the time.  your primary focus has to be your safety and boundaries for right now.  it's really awful that such a thing happened to that other person, but that's not on you.  it's on that therapist.   he will get what's coming to him.  for now, you are number one - you do have an awful lot on your plate.  keep taking care of you.  the universe will take care of him. 

in the meantime, i'm very happy for you that you're getting so much support from so many different places.  you deserve it.  keep hangin' tough!  you're doing a great job.

[meursault]

Well, this week has been one of stasis, mostly.  I had therapy today, and feel fairly good.

I go back to court next week, and it scares the bejeezus out of me but I am coping.  I won't see my therapist next week due to that, and then she's gone for XMas for a couple of weeks, so I brought her an XMas present.  Plus, who knows, maybe I'll be in jail.... I got her this high end bamboo covered thermos for yoga or whatever and a really nice yoga mat bag.  I figure she has really gone beyond for me, so I wanted to show my appreciation.  I also brought her a small flower arrangement for her office, and it felt awesome to give back to someone who helps me so much.  She was clearly excited...  Then I gave her the last gift, which was really a gift to myself, and not her, and I told her so.  I bought a little kid XMas mitt for a toddler, and asked her if she would keep it, so I can feel like she is holding the hand of little me when she's not around.  The flowers totally felt like I was an eight year old boy giving flowers to his pretty teacher.

She told me how she really enjoys working with me because I understand what we are actually doing, and I am very proactive and whatnot trying to heal that attachment trauma with her.   She kind of likes how creative and hard-working I am trying to address this stuff.  She really liked the little kid mitten thing.

I've talked with her about it before, but I sort of went into some pretty graphic detail of some of the sexual stuff from when I was a kid in one of my emails last week.  It scared the crap out of me when she brought it up today, and my mind was spasming in electric terror:  "How can she possibly be talking about this OUT LOUD!?!!"  Sort of thing.  It was like I had done something really bad in telling her, but it wasn't real that she knew until she addressed it.  Strangely, there was no embarrassment, just fear I was going to be yelled at.  Interesting how the little mes are right there ready to jump in.

I did get embarrassed about the whole: "I need you to delight in me" stuff I had brought up in email and mnetioned above, and I kind of huddled up a bit and covered my face when we were talking about that.  Major shame going on.... I don't really understand that...  Was it humiliation of telling her how much I need her, knowing I have so much less value to her?  Partially.  Partially it was fear of saying "I need you" and then having her look at me and judge me not worth caring about, which is the natural expectation....

TRIGGERY bit involving sex...

Anyhow, I have another date with that woman on the weekend... pretty stoked about that.  Hope I don't mess it up, and hope she doesn't insist on sex yet or anything.  We met again a couple of days ago and we had a brief kiss.  I want to actually feel some sense of intimacy before sex.  Normally I just sort of feel like i have to go along with it if a woman wants to have sex with me, and so I end up feeling mostly just used by the experience.  I don't want that, but I have no idea how I could say no.  If I've tried in the past, it normally gets them mad or there is some ridicule until I'm feeling like crap about myself enough that I just do it so they aren't mad.  It's stupid, but I can't seem to help it, it's like this need to be wanted is so huge, and the terror of their rejection is so threatening, I just give up...

Anyhow, I actually feel SOME hope about my legal stuff for the first time.  None of it makes sense, though, so anything could happen.  It's virtually random from my perspective.  A good part of me is like an animal frozen in headlights....

I think I've been doing pretty well the last couple of weeks, all things considered, and am actually kind of proud of myself.  I hope that doesn't sound arrogant.  I don't mean it that way.

Meursault

[radical]

It doesn't sound arrogant, it's not arrogant, and you've made my day!

[Three Roses]

I always look forward to hearing how you are. It didn't sound arrogant at all, in fact it was nice to know that you feel proud of yourself.

I'm not making much sense rn but I did want to tell you that.

[sanmagic7]

you deserve to feel proud of yourself, meursault!  yay, you!  i don't see it as arrogance, but celebration.

i hope your woman friend will also find that going slow is a good thing - getting to know each other a bit, in my experience, always made the sex better anyway.  maybe it's something you'd want to talk about with her before it gets to an uncomfortable place.   sometimes a conversation about it can actually lead to more intimacy.  you'd know better what to say and how to say it than me, i'm sure.   

and, for the record, i lost many a potential boyfriend for wanting to wait for exactly the same reasons you're talking about.  it's difficult at times to find someone on your same wavelength.  but, please, don't let that be a reflection of you and what kind of person you are.  two people either fit or don't, but the only way we begin to know which one it is is by talking about it.  there's no wrong or right, just 2 different perspectives.   so, best to you with this new adventure.  i hope it works out the way you want.

[Fen Starshimmer]

You are doing great Meursault, no arrogance in your words at all. Love to hear how you are getting on. Keep it up 

That little kids mitt gift to your T - very creative, and what a lovely idea to help get you through this court case. Remember: we are all standing behind you too.

I want to actually feel some sense of intimacy before sex.  Normally I just sort of feel like i have to go along with it if a woman wants to have sex with me, and so I end up feeling mostly just used by the experience. I don't want that, but I have no idea how I could say no.

That could have been written by me a few years ago - except you would have to swap 'woman' for 'man'.  I feel you've got to take it slow, and don't give in to pressure or it could spoil a (potentially) good thing. Put yourself and your wellbeing first at all times. Saying 'no' I have learned is about understanding boundaries, having healthy boundaries, so people can't just walk in and take from you. It's about feeling it's safe to say 'no'. And it is now. If you are not ready, or your instincts are shouting no, stand your ground, and explain gently. I think Sanmagic has good advice about talking about it first.

[radical]

Ditto the above.

Just one bit of advice I've heard recently that resonated with me.  A date is not an audition.  You are great just as you are.  You are two people who like each other, enjoying each others company, if you are a good fit, you could get closer, in ways that work for both of you.
The same advice is relevant with new friendships.

it can be tempting to see how someone else responds to us (good or bad) as a reflection on our worth.  it really isn't.  You are a wonderful person and no individual's feelings negates or proves it, because it is a fact.

[meursault]

Well, it's weird how that stuff is still so huge and central even with all I have going on.  I go in for the rest of my legal stuff starting tomorrow.  I'm really terrified,  but it's weird, just feeling like someone wants me is making it so I'm not completely overwhelmed and disintegrating from trauma.  Its loke theres still a ME that exists within this hurricane of fear.  Wish me luck this week.  This pretty much decides my whole life, and I sure hope thing turn out positively.  I figure I'll likely end up dead or permanently institutionalized if this results in jail.   

God am I scared.  And powerless.

Meursault

[Three Roses]

I will be with you in spirit.

[sanmagic7]

so will i, right beside you.  hope it goes your way.  you're worth it.

[radical]

Will also be thinking of you, wishing for the best, feeling hopeful.

[meursault]

WEll, after all that time, and another 15month delay because the prosecutor failed to tell the main cop, they ended up not even calling their primary cops.  My lawyer said he has never seen something like this in 43 years (I have a lawyer who is considered the best by other laweyers and cops I know, and ALL of them say he is who they would hire). 

So I am kept in limbo, and essentially under house arrest all thhis time, breaking down mentally pretty much every night because I'm trapped in by a curfew, and all it took was 2.5 hours of closing arguments, and the trial is over.  I have no idea how it went.  The legal system isn't actually completely rational.  I am supposed to go back tomorrow to hear the judge's decision of a verdict.  I would rather not live than risk jail.  My brain won't be able to handle that constant trapped state.  And I face enough aggression and targeting from sadistic people in normal life, I don't think I'd have anything except being beaten and sexually assaulted in my future.  And the messed up thing, is that the only way they will get a conviction is off of something that a paramedic said that wasn't even accurate.  The same one who laughed at me and yelled at me in the ambulance as I was strapped down, and admitted to yelling at me as soon as I got out from being trapped under my Dad's body.  I was trapped in the dark drowning under my Dad's body for about an hour, pinned and unable to move.  Then I was strapped down and had all those braces and stuff pinning me down unable to move on the stretcher, with my Dad's body lying on the road right outside the ambulance, and put in another vehicle, the ambulance, and the paramedic turned the lights off and started aggressively questioning me.  I thought he was a cop.  He told me that the sooner I cooperated the sooner they'd let me go.  Even then, he had to lie about what I said.  Just completely traumatized and then attacked, and the legal system has NO PROBLEM with that aspect of it.  The judge ruled I wasn't even under the paramedic's control, that the paramedic wasn't in a position of authority, despite the fact I was physically unable to get free and he was threatening me, he said I wasn't being coerced.  I don't understand how this is even remotely allowed in a first world nation.  I have virtually no faith in this world any more.  The guy was a thug, and it was pretty clear to me that he was trying to force a confession out of me to impress the cute rookie cop who was at the scene.  Just brutally traumatized, and then actively re-traumatized and psychologically tortured and interrogated, and it doesn't even matter.  The judge didn't even see it as wrongdoing.  And it was that part that cut the trauma of the night into my brain, and made it so I haven't felt safe since, or felt I've had any control over my life at all.  And the guy actually had to break the law as my medical care provider at the scene to tell the cops anything I said.  This world is insane.

Now I have to make a decision: do I go and HOPE it ends well, or do I not go.  Today is going to be a hard day to make it through.  I just wish everything was over, but can I risk actually living to see the results of this, it might be too late and they will have me trapped and unable to have it stop?

If the system were logical, then I think my lawyer pretty clearly showed they haven't "proven beyond a reasonable doubt", but I've discovered that the layman understanding of the legal system is completely flawed, and it has it's own internal rules which aren't logical.

I never planned on seeing the end of this in case it ends that way.  Ugh. 

I'm trying to keep some hope.  I think the judge noticed it, how all the other firefighters and EMTs etc at the scene basically described what I did exactly the same way, but that one paramedic described it completely different.  I guess I'm hoping the judge sees that and realizes that the paramedic was lying, how he just had some grudge against me.  It's a small town, so maybe he was dating an exgirlfriend or something.  I have so little faith in any of this any more though.  A cop friend of mine assured me that "this isn't his first rodeo!" referring to the judge, and he'll be aware of this, but it's hard to trust that when it's your own life on the line.

Today is going to be about as hard of a day as I've ever had, I think.  How can I even think that there will be anything just about this, when no one had any problem with how that sadist broke me down?  This world is horrible.

Anyhow, I guess I'll make it through somehow...

Meursault

[Three Roses]

We are standing beside you