Cant talk about dissociative parts with T ..any advice?

[Sienna]

In therapy we were talking about dissociative parts.
There are parts that i can't tell her about- More than i thought, where as before, i thought there was only one part.

She knows i cant tell her about some parts as i told her I'm worried she might think its weird, that I'm weird.
She says, that she wont think its weird.
But thats not enough.
How am i meant to trust that?
Why do i have this huge block to opening up to her?
I know she can't make me trust, but do you guys think that she should be saying more than, *i wont think its weird?*

I know i havent talked to her about the concerns i had about her as my T.
But i would be this closed off about my *parts* with anybody.
Maybe i would share this with my X if I was still with him and things hadn't gone the way they had, because he did know about some of my weird behaviours and i knew some of his.
I think that ... maybe if i didnt develop a *self*, then the self i have is split up and made up of strange behaviours i used as a child...
and I'm ashamed of *me* deep in my core...
so how on earth am i meant to talk about these parts of me?


I left feeling so angry with myself. I get frustrated with myself in session and like a small child, need to cry in anger.
I feel that i can't work on much because i can only give her surface details.

[ct_08]

I know this post is a bit old, but I wondered if you have had any breakthroughs with your T? I have been with mine for almost 8 months (wow does time fly!). I have just been able to open up enough to get him to agree that I have CPTSD. WE have been working on it for weeks and I do trust him, but I dissociate almost immediately now. It just has gotten worse and I've started resisting his help. However, when I try to trust and take a step out on a limb, it is so rewarding. It doesn't mean I'm telling him everything but trying to respond to at least one severely uncomfortable question.

*Note: it also helps that he allows me to email him in between sessions. I still have those frustrations of not being able to speak in session, but get to share some things that are hard to share in person. At least this way he is aware and I don't have to face him and say it. Can you maybe write your T a letter?

[woodsgnome]

Sometimes I think we put T's on a pedestal that's hard for them to balance on. We look for perfect answers. Answers of any kind they can help facilitate, for sure, but it's the client who eventually finds the direction that best speaks to their needs. They may not know those needs, but the discovery trip with the T is their means of getting there, but trust looms large in the process. 

Maybe it's not that crucial to 'tell all' to a T, or by extension to anyone, but instead gain the trust level that ct-08 speaks about. That's a huge hurdle, but at heart it's the ability to trust that we want so bad yet is so elusive. I know from experience with T's that the trust factor is a major hurdle. It's also quite individual--none of us are robots with these quirky personalities.

'Trying to trust' only seemed to work against me, in a counterproductive way. What's helped is having a means of grounding instead of concentrating on 'I have to trust' this person. I bring a a small porcelain art object that's special to me and hold it as a grounding device when I trend into dissociating. The T also has puppets, and there's one with associative meaning that helps if I hold it or just have it within view. She uses the puppet during a mini-meditation when it seems I've drifted off to dissociative la-la land. The objects don't even seem superfluous, but function more as 'friends' soothing and keeping me less likely to drift away. Having done it for a while, it's no longer like I have to have them, but I know they're there.

I used to resist this sort of thing as silly--how wrong I was. Working around the dissociative mistrust via grounding--playful or not--eases the mental floats and keeps me better focused (or returns me there). It tells me I'm safe to be here; it's even safe to play. I suppose this has obvious inner child ramifications; another area touching on trust-building.

As said, it's all pretty individual--what works for one may not for another. In my case it helps to put that playful element in motion to soothe the thinking so hard part; just a tiny way to enhance the talk-only part.

Regarding the 'tell-all' (I call it the 'show-and-tell' instinct) aspects, that may not be as crucial as it seems--the details only reflect the inner motivations that led to the behaviour. While these may certainly be indicators, getting at the underlying factors may not require knowing all the fine details either. Still it all seems to revert to trust as the most important element in assisting the T to work with you, even if one occasionally lapses into dissociation. I wish you well with this. 

[Saule]

Great advice from the posts above. Like ct_08 said, I've found emailing my T between sessions to be immensely helpful. At first I felt so bad writing to her, like I was inconveniencing her and taking up too much of her time, but she was very clear that she wanted me to email her as it helped her understand me better. I find I often can't find the words to express what is going on in my head or feel too embarrassed to say what I'm thinking when in person, but I'm able to write it down. I've been seeing my T for over a year now, and I've noticed myself becoming more able to say things out loud to her. Trust is a slow process, but that's ok. I'd be interested to hear how you've been going since you posted.