Want to be alone now but that's also my pattern

[theaquarist]

I started this year pretty shamefully with regards to ending a relationship hastily and getting into a new one right after within a month. I didn't intend to date this person (my current girlfriend) but in the beginning she was very fun and I wanted to get to know more people. I fell into a trap of my attachment patterns-- I unknowingly was presenting to her as a partner by baking treats, hanging out with her often, helping with her dog because I like them, and texting a lot. She was very fun and interesting and I caught myself saying yes to a relationship I didn't really want. It's what I've done with the last 6-7 relationships and I have always been the one to break it too. Within the first few weeks she had her wisdom teeth removed which I cared for, honestly it was emotional labor I wanted to do. I think I was lonely.

A bad thing happened very soon though, which was that she went through my phone (while I was in the bathroom sick) and found texts between an old mentor of mine who has been my friend for 5 years. In order to keep things intact with him for support, I felt pressured to say sweet nothings and talk to him in confidence about my life- he has helped me in the past but ultimately I figured out this summer that his behavior was 90% Narcissist. I'm happy I figured out more to it but it tore me apart to get through that thought process.
When my girlfriend found the texts, she went digging and she crushed my heart in tandem with her's breaking. And I succumbed to putting my own handcuffs on and asking for punishment. She (said she) didn't want to make me suffer but her dad was a serial cheater and I felt like her rejection issues made her want to make me pay like her father didn't, but also cling to me to not leave.
I've been stuck in this since February and so our 6 month is coming up. I still haven't set adequate boundaries with her and it's been a struggle trying to navigate that and maintain my life.
I know I didn't do well to start this relationship with her but I really took it as a major wake up call to my issues and how I've handled relationships since I was abused at 16.
I find myself feeling cold toward her, and scared of making her upset. I can't stand her dog anymore, but I've always been an avid dog/animal lover. I don't know what I am right now and I especially don't think I know her well enough. She talks about marriage and kids with me casually and I was okay with that when I was wanting to be her prisoner for what I did to her, but now it makes me uncomfortable.
How do I start sorting out what are bad patterns and what are valid, actual truths in my heart?

[Three Roses]

How do I start sorting out what are bad patterns and what are valid, actual truths in my heart?

Imo, it's very difficult to do this while you're in an unhappy relationship. It takes so much energy to look inside ourselves and work on what we find there - then you spend energy to make a relationship work, and even more to stay in an unhappy one.

I have a supportive partner, and it's still difficult to invest in myself AND our relationship.

Plus, you don't really bring up how you felt about her digging in your phone. This would be a deal-breaker for me. Maybe you subconsciously left it so she would find the texts, to open a dialogue between you two?

I've known more than a few people who stay in relationships just because it's easier than getting out. It's miserable, they're miserable, the partner is miserable, and if you're both miserable the relationship is doomed anyway - so why waste time, hers or yours?

[theaquarist]

I kept telling myself that I should wait until I'm broken up with, but that doesn't make good sense.i thought I still needed to "pay for it"
As for if it was intentional, not at all. I respect others' privacy as profound. I grew up with snooping dad who eventually read my 5 year journal. I've always been paranoid about his surveillance. My gf always said she just "knew" I was doing something.
Last week we had an argument and she decided to split into me again for the past. I asked after a few scathing remarks, clearly intending to hurt me, if the harsh words would end soon or if I could end the conversation for a while but come back to it. This was answered with an outburst that she always has to mitigate our conversations. End result is can't help but feel she can't stand it that she stayed with me but it's too late to leave.
Thank you for your well thought response. I hope to continue seeing a little more clearly. I am thinking of giving her more space, using the toolbox ideas for dealing with her and her dog, and implementing strong boundaries. I am really hoping for some similar experiences to help the feeling that this isn't just my old pattern of giving up.

[Dutch Uncle]

As a long time bachelor I may not be the bet one to give advice, but I want to highlight a few things you said:
"She was very fun and interesting and I caught myself saying yes to a relationship I didn't really want."
"When my girlfriend found the texts, she went digging and she crushed my heart"
"I succumbed to putting my own handcuffs on and asking for punishment."
"I've been stuck in this since February"

For me this begs the question why you are trying to make a relationship work that you didn't really want in the first place? Why tie yourself to it? Why keep stuck in it?
And these are possibly mostly rhetorical questions.
"It's what I've done with the last 6-7 relationships and I have always been the one to break it too." I don't think there is anything wrong with ending a relationship soon, especially not if it wasn't a relationship with the commitment to make it long term to begin with. I hink the whole point of 'dating', spending a few weeks or months with somebody is to experience if this is a relationship which you feel comfortable in. If you don't, it's quite good you break it too.

For what it's worth: her snooping in your phone would be a no-no for me too. And I get the impression you two are fighting/having arguments quite often. Over you setting boundaries it seems. That might well mean it's not you not setting boundaries, but her not respecting them. If this is already a pattern 6 months in, then very well it might be a pattern that will never be broken.
Maybe it's not you, maybe it's her...

[theaquarist]

Hi again Dutch Uncle
That was a bit hard for me to reread what I said and your thoughts on it. I hadn't edited my post to make it be more sympathetic to her side of things, and so I find myself now feeling guilty that maybe she really isn't that bad. I have been staying around because the fog only barely just cleared. So far I say to myself that I need to learn how to be loyal and stick it out for someone who had compassion for me when I was a nasty person? I don't know what to think at this point. I know I'm not happy and I know I need space.