The reasons why i think i have c-p.t.s.d possible triggers

[simon]

Hi everybody i am going to try and keep this as short as possible and outline some of the negative thing's that have impacted on my life i apologise to begin with if people find some of this upsetting but this has been my life.My earliest memories are of a alcoholic father who let me know from a very early age that i was the mistake that had put him into the position of having to marry my mother and ruining his life. My father was not an overly violent man but was extremely adept at mental cruelty and mind games as children we were not allowed to make a noise when he came in for fear of upsetting him my mother protected us as much as possible at the time we did not realise he was a alcoholic at no time did he interact with us on a social level no trips out no football the only interaction would be if he was drunk and would want to "wrestle"which meant pinning you to the floor till you cried.At the age of 13 i met my bully at school who then spent the next 4 years beating, threatening and degrading me as much as possible there is far to much detail to go into but on one occasion i was beaten with a hammer when i left school at 16 i hoped that the bullying would stop  but i was wrong and it carried on for another year until my seventeenth birthday when i snapped and killed him (i know this sounds very blunt and matter of fact but it's not)  i then spent time in prison which i can only describe as horrendous when i was released i lived in the same community as i did before and there were understandably issues.I am going to leave it there for now as i have written a lot i would like feedback if you feel like it i have never spoken about this stuff before and feel uneasy 

[sanmagic7]

thank you for sharing, simon.  you are welcome here, as far as i'm concerned.

you have gone through *, and have survived.  so glad you made it.  kudos to you for asking for help.  i hope with all my heart you find what you need to continue on your path to recovery.  you deserve it.  we're here for you and with you.  big hug. 

[Three Roses]

Thank you for sharing your story, Simon. It takes a lot out of us to reveal these secrets that we carry - so thank you for the courage and strength it took. We've all done things we're not proud of (I know I have), so no one has the right to judge you for yours. You paid the price and as far as I'm concerned you're accepted here with open arms.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi again, Simon. 

Thank you for sharing your story. What a history you have had and what a survivor you are. 
I can relate to having grown up in a dysfunctional family with plenty of violence being directed at me. I used to think it "wasn't that bad" but during my recovery I have started to realize it really was that bad. 
I can also relate to writing stuff here I have never before spoken out on. And since I have started posting here, there is plenty of my story I have only shared here so far. So I can relate to the uneasy feeling you described.

In the other thread you wrote:

one of the major question's that has been going around and around in my mind is if i strip back all the barrier's that i have what is left i don't like myself anyway but what if it's better the devil you know.

This is a scary part for me too, and I dare say for many of us. I, or we, have been devalued so often and so much for most of our lives that we tend to think that if we uncover the layers we have build around us to protect ourselves from the abuse inflicted upon us, we will discover we are even worse than we thought.
Yet, for the largest part this bad self-image sits in the barriers we have had to build up to protect us. The self that is at the center, shielded by these barriers, is often not quite what we were told it would be.
It's a concept called the "Inner Critic", and you'll probably read more on this when you hang around here for a while. That nasty 'voice' in our head that keeps telling us how worthless we are, and that without the barriers we will only discover we're even more worthless than we thought. But guess what: it's quite the opposite.
It's a difficult journey to strip away the barriers, it does take an effort and at times it's hard. But it's worth it. YOU are worth it. 

One of the phrases I've learned here is: "It takes baby steps" to progress in our recovery from the abuse and to discover the harsh criticism we reserve for ourselves is mostly not part of our-selfs, but part of the barriers.

Again, thanks for sharing, and again welcome.

[Three Roses]

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