Been fighting (reality) for too long

[theaquarist]

Hi,
Have I got some unloading to do! I tried writing paragraphs but I actually want to make a list. That didn't work either. Please PM me if I am being too upfront. But my story has been needing a listening to and I don't know how else to progress right now...

Cult: I was born into a cult with my 4 siblings before me. I resorted to trying to be a good kid and use my brain (which was incredible at the time) to be my guide and my only tool. I learned to lie well.
Death: at 12 years old, my brother died suddenly while volunteering long-term service for the cult group. Brain injury, coma for 5 weeks, and then cardiac arrest. My parents had my doctors put me on Cymbalta only 2 months after the funeral. I knew they didn't want to see my pain.
Isolation: I was so lonely, but made a companion in someone else lonely. He was being abused and homeless every day. My only friend. He buckled under the abuse and attempted suicide. He recovered but my parents stopped letting me see him.
Sexual Assault & Police: My first encounter with being physically abused was by my first boyfriend (at new school). I didn't know why, until 5 months later, after he broke up with me, when the disassociation began, the flashbacks started, and I was scared without knowing why. I talked to a counselor who listened and helped me see my memories again. I reported and my case was dragged on, his lawyer subpoenaed my own sister who admitted she didn't believe me. My bishop told me to repent because I let it happen.
Medication and Suicide Attempts: I tried many times and began self-harming to control my depression and anxiety. It worked but I cracked eventually to wanting to be cared for and let my secret out. My parents didn't do much but get mad when they found out and took everything sharp away from me, which just made me more creative.

College or Health?: I chose college due to pressure. I had attempted suicide a month before I moved out and yet I felt like I could turn a corner. I believed in myself and was excited for a short time. But I had no tools or instruction on what to do when I moved out.
R***: I had alcohol poisoning for the first time, and despite a pre-made plan that I made with my roommates to all go home together at the end of the night, they left me with a guy friend who said he would take care of me. I remember passing out. I woke up to the worst sight I have ever seen. I didn't tell anyone until I knew I wasn't pregnant and that I didn't catch any std's. I gave up and pretended for years that the r*** didn't matter and that I was over it. I'm still not.
Academic Failure: I started failing classes after my freshman year due to my r*** and the obsession that it didn't matter. I became a workaholic in an animal shelter to relieve my pain.
Cult Reprise: although when I was 21 I knew that I was less than straight and definitely not part of the cult anymore, I took a job at a special market but run by cult members. I was underpaid, overworked, manipulated for tax work that wasn't legal but I didn't know. School became an afterthought.
Stalker: He was a customer at my work, and 30 years older. I got rid of him myself but it solidified a scary thought: No safe places. No safe places. No safe places.
Bad Landlord: My rental in my college town was great and I fought to keep it for about 2 years until my landlord's attempts at asking for a friendship turned into him coming to my front door belligerent and drunk after dark. I hid under a window alone while he yelled, slammed the screen door, looked through the windows and blew up my phone with calls and texts. I moved out within the month and said good riddance. I should have sued him but my dad refused to help me with a lawyer.
Cult Boss: in the midst of the stalker and my horny landlord, I had a boss who was a member of the cult I grew up in. I thought him and his wife were liberal, and safe. They were hippies and generally I felt happy when I was around them. Until the "apocalypse" became a problem treated like reality at work, and the owner's narcissism for being the one who could save the world. It seeped into me. I became paranoid. But it gets worse. The owners (w+h) had a plan to help during the apocalypse and that was polygamy. Once day my boss discussed sex and relationships with me and told me he loved me at work.
Back Home to Safety (?): My parents offered to take me in and it was my best shot at being safe. I thought I could trust them. They moved me into their (newer/nice) trailer in the backyard and I isolated. My dad, thinking he didn't know enough about me and what was going on, decided to infiltrate my computer under the guise of fixing it for me. I found out the next day that he read my entire diary, years worth of notes and quote collections. I was outed. He knew more about me than I would have allowed anyone to know and the parts he lingered on are unsettling to say the least. He denied having done anything wrong and blamed his bad childhood. He dared me to hurt myself, because that would make him right that I was too sick and needed to be sent to a inpatient facility. I fought this and moved out.

NOW: I've been picking up the pieces since I was outed by my dad 18 months ago. I am sad to report that I hurt people along the whole way. I have never had time to get to know myself, or have peace and quiet to process what happened.
I started a new life in a new city. I've held the same (great) job here for over a year-- something solid and stable that I'm proud of. My boss is a good person, profoundly so and I know I can trust him. I work in a safe job where I'm protected from public people, and get to have great projects concerning animals again. It's been a year and I feel like I can trust my coworkers now and stop isolating there. It's been refreshing.
I still haven't finished school and I realize all the advantages I squandered while processing my abuse. I lost my scholarships and all financial support. I am trying to finish my degree but feel like I lost 20 IQ points. However, since the light came on about my abusive mentor that I had relied on for 5 years I have become a person full of negativity and it's hard to mitigate around others.
But the silver lining is incredible and it's that I'm more alive and aware than ever. I know I need to work harder and protect the people around me from the poison I've accumulated through abuse over the years, especially just from the cult upbringing. It's hard and I don't know if I'm doing enough. This helps. I hope to keep working on it here with you all.
I flip flop a lot on whether I am good or bad.
The good news of this introduction is that I feel awake now. It's been years in the making, but I feel more aware and capable of tackling my issues that I have in a long time.

Please let me know if this isn't the type of introduction I should have used. I am feeling like I don't use forums correctly.

[Three Roses]

I'm so glad you're here, and that you made it through all that. What a lot you've been through! It hurts that this world can treat us so harshly. All the places that are supposed to be safe were not safe for you -family, church (?), school - and that really does a number on your head. Thank you for telling your story, I know more than a few of us will be able to relate.

Take a look around the forum, we have a ton of info for you. Hopefully you'll find a few posts that strike a chord in you, and you'll be able to find some comfort here.

So come on in, pull up a chair - you're one of us!

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi theaquarist  and welcome 

You're most welcome to unload and share. It's a big part of what this site is about.
In case you're unsure what's OK and what's 'not done', please have a look at some point at our Guidelines for All Members and Guests which are here to both give you a safe environment to express your experiences, as well as to keep this a safe place for the other members.

Since you mentioned growing up in a cult, I'd like to point you to our section on Religious/Spiritual Abuse. Perhaps you'll find some stories you can relate to and/or find other aid in your recovery with regard to that specific experience you have had.

Welcome again,

Dutch Uncle.

[theaquarist]

Thank you, I went back and saw that I posted this alright even though I feel like it's 

It's been weighing on me so heavily... I torture myself by staying up with news about the cult/religion I was brought up in. But I want to make a new goal to stop reading about it. Nothing has made me more uncomfortable than learning more about the sick ways it meddles with peoples' lives and many other terrible things... It's not making me happy and I want to be happy. I tried looking at the Religion sub with your link... I read a few posts but had to leave.

I feel relieved to get it off my chest. Thank you     

[Dutch Uncle]

You are by no means obliged to visit the religion section, or limit your speaking on it there. Or even to speak on it at all.

I'm glad you found us.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Dear the aquarist
It is so good you are hear and speaking the vivid and demoralising story of the past ...
We are miracles to be here and that we have survived such adversity ..
To have a name now to call what goes on in me and literature and resources I can use is such a gift ...
This forum helps me a lot to articulate what I experience in my brain, emotions , relating and work life ...and to get healing and support...
Right now I feel exhausted and that life is hard but I know I am in 'flashback mode and Pete walkers book 'surviving to thriving really helps me

Quote
'The good news of this introduction is that I feel awake now. It's been years in the making, but I feel more aware and capable of tackling my issues that I have in a long time'

Yes it is a good place to be we now start building on that awareness , seeing we have choices and ways to gain more healing and growth.

Wishing u well on this day and best of all you can glean for your recovery journey 

[macandrui]

hello theaquarist and welcome.

[ChaosQueen]

Hello the aquarist,
Please believe me, you are not "bad"!!! You were probably brainwashed into thinking that. And feeling shame is part of C-PTSD. You are not leaking "poison"out to other people. I strongly believe we all have an inner core that is untouched by the abuse, pure and beautiful.
It's great that you're here!

[theaquarist]

Boatsetsailrose: Thank you. I thought I had lost most of my ability to write/speak well. It is beautiful to think maybe I haven't  

macandrui: thank you 

ChaosQueen: Again, I found it surprising that you could tell I think that so much about myself. It's a recurring thought every day that I leak "blood"/poison from my wounds everywhere I go and the longer someone is around me the more saturated they get. I find that I need a lot of alone time  or that I must be confident (letting others own their moods) while being around others at all.