The Artist and Trauma

[MaryPoppins]

Hi all, I'm working on putting together some thoughts on how trauma and PTSD affects our art-making. Below is a quick rough outline and I'd welcome your thoughts and experiences. My goal is to work toward healing as a musician so I can perform again and enjoy it.
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The Artist and Trauma

Trauma creates difficulty in being vulnerable. To create art that genuinely reaches others, the artist must be vulnerable.

Fear of taking risks. To speak authentically as an artist, risk is necessary.

Trauma creates a foggy divide between the victim and other people. Even if others know about the trauma the victim has experienced, they may not understand the many complicated ways trauma affects the way a person relates to other people. Art is about communicating and relating with others. The very thought of communicating openly with others can be painful for the traumatized individual, for fear of being rejected.

Often, trauma can create negative associations with the victim's primary art form, bringing back feelings associated with the original trauma each time the victim practices her art.

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I have been silenced many times, so it is fascinating that I chose to pursue singing.
I feel like a coward for stopping my song, but wouldn't anyone else do the same?
Singing was a distraction for so long until it became one more source of pain.
Then I'm left with hardly knowing at all what I prefer.
It just seems like a shame not to use my voice, but is that the reason for singing?
To move forward in this art, I have to subject myself to criticism.
Stand on the stage in front of the blank screen judges.
All of my hard work over with in five minutes.
I pour myself out, my voice spilling out of my mouth as if it were of more substance than only invisible sound.
They yawn, raise an eyebrow, and look at their watches.
I walk out of the room, one heal after another hammering into the hard floor. My feet have never been so loud.
Logic tries to remind me that this is part of the process, I'm a grown up, it doesn't matter.
PTSD speaks up and the judges faces morph in my memory into the faces of my parents, bored and disinterested, "I don't really care. I don't want to spend time with you," they sing this back to me in unison like an angrily melodramatic opera chorus.
It's no wonder I walk away with my head hanging in shame.

[Three Roses]

My IC fancies herself a bit of an art critic, an expert in every type of artistic expression. So no matter what I do - play guitar, sing, draw, sculpt - it never measures up to the unrealistic expectation of the IC. I should ask her to present her credentials next time she tells me something isn't good enough!

[MaryPoppins]

Three Roses:
This is so true. In fact, I've noticed that my Ic does this too.
Also, it seems that many people love to be "experts" on art, instead of letting it challenge them. Maybe they feel they must control it?
Creative expression is so personal, it's no wonder it gets out IC all worked up.

[woodsgnome]

I sure didn't plan it this way, but somehow I fell into a long-running acting gig. I experienced the deep vulnerability MaryPoppins speak of, but it allowed me to find "myself" in a creative venture that has meant all the world to me and has had positive effects on others.

Artistic expression via acting and music literally saved my life--long story short the type of character I portrayed was like bringing my true nature out of its secret hiding spot. It's never been easy, and it didn't heal anything on its own, I suppose; but I was extremely fortunate to have found that outlet and opportunity to step outside the bruised child within.

My IC has stayed strong, though. My performances often garnered rave reviews from everyone but me--not from any false sense of humility, but the long-standing fear that I could never be good enough; plus I didn't trust anyone either. I still felt like I'd failed; even at the mostly improv (no set script) type of acting I was involved with. Oh well--as I said above acting allowed me to access worlds I could never have imagined reaching any other way, even if the IC insisted on tagging along as my gremlin. Still does--my therapist tells me I'm still that way, and was startled once to hear me say something good about myself recently. Finally putting some distance on the IC? Maybe.

There are many who pooh-pooh the notion that one's artistic endeavours necessarily stem from trauma. No, one's art doesn't have to come from there, but I sure know that it did so for me and feel it's not uncommon for others who've traveled that path and rediscovered a sense of wonder that had been stolen from them.

MaryPoppins said it well: "To create art that genuinely reaches others, the artist must be vulnerable...Fear of taking risks. To speak authentically as an artist, risk is necessary."


   




 

[MaryPoppins]

Wow, Woodsgnome, thank you for sharing your experience. It's great you are pushing past what your IC says to you and finding healing through expression.

[sanmagic7]

i've believed for a long time that creativity is enhanced by suffering.  that sounds strange, even to my own ears, but i think i believe this because our suffering has enabled us to survive in creative ways, to look at problems, issues, and solutions from a different perspective, and therefore has encouraged us to work with ourselves 'outside the box'. 

that doesn't always translate to how others who are judging us see our creative offerings.  if we create for the sole reason of outside acceptance, we're going to have a much more difficult time feeling like we're 'good enough'.  if we are able to create for our very own selves, we will always be successful.  easier said than done, to be sure.  still, i believe it's true.

the creative arts is one area that is totally subjective - no two people will ever necessarily view our creations the same way.  my creativity has gone into my way of therapy and my writing, and i've had admirers and detractors of both.  unfortunately, it comes with the territory, and is a high hurdle to leap.  i hope everyone here will follow their hearts, take the risk, and let your souls be seen in whatever way you wish to express them.