Need advice: A lit of things that scare me?

[Absent]

Hello,

so I get 9 fee counseling sessions from NHS and my next one is the 5th one. I am not diagnosed with anything as it seems in the UK no one likes to or has the ability to give diagnoses. So my counselor has asked me to make a list of things that scares me. I am however very visual - If I can't imagine myself in a situation I cannot assess my reactions, but my mind is also very good at distracting me from the task in hand, As someone who is (I think) scared of everything and I avoid everything (I have no life - social or personal), making a list with exact statements is proving somewhat challenging. I think it would be silly to put on the list things like - "Everything scares me" as then I know I will have to think of examples or "Making lists scares me".

I think what mostly stops me is the idea of having to read the list to her. I know I should be taking an advantage of the few session I have been offered but my anxiety really gets overwhelming in sessions, my mind shuts and feel like I am choking. Also my mind starts to misunderstanding the questions in order to sabotage the whole thing.

Okay I'll end this here as I''m starting to deviate from the original topic and my thoughts are turning really dark.

[Dee]

So how about a working list?  As you notice things, write them down.  It may not be as comprehensive, but you can tell the counselor that.

Also, I have my therapist read things that I have difficulty talking about.  You can always hand the counselor your list.  I don't believe this is an unusual practice.

[Absent]

Thanks Dee,

I've started putting things down, but I end up removing most things as I worry I am blowing things out of proportion. The once I've left feel to general - Change, responsibility and relationships is all I came up with so far.

Thank you for the suggestion of handing the list written down. I'll try that. Still have most of a week to think on this.

[sanmagic7]

when i've written things down, for whatever reason, i've learned not to edit myself.  if it comes to my mind, it's valid.  i suggest it's the same thing for you.  while making your list, instead of crossing things off because of your worries that you're making too big a deal out of something, leave it there as something to explore with your counselor.  your fears are valid no matter how big or small they might seem, and the only way to actually see them in their reality is to give them a voice.  your voice.  if it comes to your mind, it's real, it's true for you, and it doesn't need to be dismissed.  your thoughts and fears are valuable, and deserve to come to the light.  just my thoughts.

[Absent]

Sanmagic also great advice. Thank you. I'll try to follow it as Dee's and not chicken out at the last moment.

Really appreciating you both replying.

[Dee]

How about paper and pen.  You can't delete it.  Also, my dietician ask me not to edit what I write.  If I wrote it, I thought it, and it is important.

[sweetsixty]

I was asked this too and my answer was "life scares me". My T reply was, well that's because there was a time when your life was scary and those emotions are still stuck in time. That's what CPTSD is about. I know this doesn't give you a list but it's the starting point of a discussion.

[Absent]

Thanks sweet sixty. Any input is welcomed. I think you are right. I am very much stuck. I am realizing how much the lack of support throughout my life has made me non-resilient. I was just watching some TED talks on PTSD and some people have managed to move forward from a lot worst than me. Yet they did have some support. It certainly matters in building up resilience.

Dee pen and paper will be. I'm curious if I go through with this. Four more days.

[Three Roses]

Absent - please keep in mind that cptsd is more involved than ptsd. In fact, I would support (not that anyone's asked me! ) that cptsd be renamed "developmental trauma disorder", or DTD, to avoid confusion (this is already an accepted abbreviation for it in some circles). Ptsd is much easier to treat, being based on a single event (or a finite series of events), while the "complex" part of cptsd refers to it stemming from multiple, ongoing, and interpersonal trauma.

Be gentle and understanding with yourself.   

[Absent]

Be gentle and understanding with yourself.   

Thank you for saying that. A much needed reminder 

[sweetsixty]

Absent,

I didn't mean you are stuck sweetie, although you may be.

I was referring to the fact that an issue with CPTSD is that our emotions are often stuck in time capsules within our brain and often we react as we would have done as a child. It's part of the condition and is documented by Pete Walker and Bessel Van Der Kalk.

[meursault]

What about trying to make it like you're doing it as a comedic piece?  Almost like you're preparing an entertaining stand up routine.  Might help things start to flow.  That sometimes works for me.  "You know what scares the crap out of me?  Making lists!  Two: reading you my list.  Three: angry people, Four: not angry people..."  That sort of thing...  Then go back and pick out the ones that really matter for a final version.  You might see some similarities with things that help you write a general fear which has specific meaning to you.

Just a thought.  Maybe that wouldn't be a fit for you.

I find I'm having to say and re-say and modify things as time goes on, I think that's part of the healing as things rise and fall in importance depending how they affect me.  It might help to feel like you aren't giving some "written-in-stone" list.

Meursault