Family Constellation Therapy

[Ren]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_Constellations
I have found this was a very helpful sort of work. It showed me how the NPD of my mother came from her father.  What it does is work back through generations to find the source of the problem - and of course you find that it is not you !  Very helpful in clearing any feelings you might have about guilt and responsibility - not sensations N people have.

[Dutch Uncle]

My TherapistMom a.k.a. DramaMama tried to get me to do that.

No doubt she would have liked me to do it so she could get off scot-free.
I know my maternal grandmother was horrible, and by the stories I've heard (some of them confirmed by my aunt) my 'mom' has been damaged a lot (and her other siblings as well).

Alas, I know the source of my uHPD mom all too well. It's been one of the reasons I have been very lenient of her behavior. It's been one, if not the only, reason I have always been supportive of her.
Support that was never returned. I was never good enough.

My 'mom' did the Family Constellations herself, and she spoke very highly about it. She was never very specific what she had done there though. But through regular stories by my 'mom' on how her mother was raised not by her parents but her grandparents I even have a clue on why my own grandmother was such a #$%^ to my 'mom', who has passed it on onto her children.
Now, this is only a guess, but her doing this therapy has possibly been one of the tools why my mother shows no remorse whatsoever on what she does or has done.
In the hands of a Narc, this therapy is a fabulous tool to deny responsibility of their own abuser (who only has been a victim of an even further generation down the road) and thus pass the buck even further down the road for their own misconduct.

[snailspace]

Thanks for the link Ren and I'm glad you found this therapy helpful.  I can see why it might help take the blame and responsibility off of you.  I confess I'm a bit biased having listened to a compelling Polish crime thriller drama 'Entanglement' on the radio last year set during a Family Constellation Therapy meeting! 

How does this therapy differ from actually hearing from the PD parent themselves about their background?  Or having this corroborated form others?  Or not hearing as the case with my NM - my knowledge of her background was a blank as she refused to mention it, which was also very telling and I instinctively knew that something was wrong but took me til after she died to fully realise why.

I agree Dutch Uncle that in the wrong hands this therapy would be ideal for passing the buck.  I sympathise as my mother was very similar.  They must have gone to the same therapy school.

[Ren]

I don't think any input from a problematic parent doing FCT would be helpful at all !  Any therapy shared with them sounds quite dangerous.   It's like they are taking control of the information and using it negatively against you.    So I would not recommend involving them at all. 

For me it answered a lot of questions.  I had done genealogy on my mother's family and knew the background, the people in her history.   My nature is to be analytical and looking beneath the surface to what is hidden (from my experiences of falseness in the family I suppose) and I saw patterns of behaviour so very much the same in the generation before that were affirmed.  Phrases my mother used like "you're just like your father" as a negative statement were ones that were said to her.   

That my mother was treating me like she had been treated - "corrected" away from being oneself into a false persona seems to show as a family pattern.  Keeping up appearances and perfectionism were rife  She could not see me as a separate person but rather as herself - as a version of herself that of course as a narcissist she could not see .  That she was trying to change my personality to suit her, or BE her, as she had had hers changed to suit her father became very obvious through the figurines used.

As with all therapies I think one should check on the therapist involved.  Any therapies in the wrong hands can be dangerous.   
I admit to being very sceptical the whole way through the F CT, but on reflection see it showed up valid behavioural patterns undiscovered and it released me from the blame that was constantly thrown at me - which I can now see were ones that NM owned and was trying to project off. 

[Ren]

I would like to add that I am very curious about the various approaches to healing so I was game to try this.  But it did turn out to be affirming about my perceptions on my PD family so it joined other versions I had tried over the years - so very many !!!!   Anyway, you are in control of everything that happens along the way is my experience so it either goes in or out of my healing.

All the best in your journey too....

[snailspace]

Thanks Ren for explaining.  Wishing you all the best too.

[Dutch Uncle]

I would like to add that I am very curious about the various approaches to healing so I was game to try this.  But it did turn out to be affirming about my perceptions on my PD family so it joined other versions I had tried over the years - so very many !!!!   Anyway, you are in control of everything that happens along the way is my experience so it either goes in or out of my healing.

I'm very happy it worked so well for you, Ren.
The bottom line that it's not us, but an external force that brought us here is very affirming to me too.
Thanks.

[Ren]

Dutch Uncle I am rapt by this  - my motto is "Truth"  Having lived with so much obfuscation and falseness....

I love straightforward people. The lack of drama makes life so much easier.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi Ren,
I had to look up what 'rapt' means, but I've come to understand it's a good thing.

That quote has been a guiding line through my recovery. Not surprising, in hindsight, as I'm surrounded by a couple of dramaqueeens. (I suspect both my sis and mom are HPD's)

I hope it may be a guide through/for your recovery as well.