Checking in. Not sure if I should be here.

[BeingDS]

Hello.

I'm a veteran who's been out of the Navy for around 6 years. I got an honorable discharge and never had any major disciplinary incidents, but I was treated for "acute depression" while I was in. I had difficulty adjusting to the service, and didn't do well at my job. I had a supervisor who was a real piece of work. And since it was the military, and he outranked me, I couldn't get away, transfer, quit; and couldn't go over his head without clear evidence of actual misconduct. Which, even if his behavior was misconduct, I didn't have documentation or evidence of it, and I was his only subordinate in a small workcenter; so there were no witnesses.

I have had emotional, self-esteem, motivational, concentration, social, and irritability problems ever since leaving the service, six years ago. I've recently come to terms with the fact that I'm still depressed, and might have anxiety issues as well. I do not believe that I am a physical danger to myself though.

This has had effects on family and social relationships, professional impacts, financial impacts, and personal. I've been single my whole life. Never had a girlfriend.

I scored a 40/80 on a self-administered PCL-5 (Probable Diagnosis of PTSD).

Here's the thing though; and why I say in the title "not sure if I should be here". I was never in combat. Never got shot at. Never had a bomb go off nearby. Never been in a situation where I thought I would be maimed or killed. I was a technician on a boat (which I thought was really cool) and I had a nice, air-conditioned space to work in and another nice, air-conditioned space to stand watch in. I got to party in 16 countries on four continents. So what the * is my excuse for being messed up?

I had a rotten, bullying boss I couldn't get away from. How lame is that? What does it say about me if just having a boss who raised his voice and constantly found fault and generally acted like a petty tyrant, as awful as it was for four years, has caused me to have the same problem that actual soldiers have from being in combat; more than six years after the fact?

And, that's not it:

I scored 20/27 on a self-administered QUIDS-SR 16 (Severe Depression).

I scored 18 on a self-administered Steinberg Depersonalization Questionnaire (Mild Depersonalization).

I scored 21 on a self-administered GAD-7 (Severe Anxiety) and 89/100 on self-taken existential anxiety test. 

I have taken other self-tests that indicate mild panic disorder, moderate social anxiety, low self-esteem, and possible histrionic personality disorder.

So, maybe I should be posting somewhere else. But I figured I'd see what you guys thought. I just don't want you to think that I'd ever try to minimize or make light of what a real combat veteran went through.

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, being ds! We're glad you're here.

There is no diagnosis needed, if you want to hang out, post, and read you're welcome to do so. Please check out the Guidelines (http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=1616.0) for postings, we really strive to make this a safe place.

A wide variety of abuses - physical, emotional, financial and religious to name just a few - can cause a person to show symptoms of cptsd. Also, a person's early experiences can set them up for vulnerability to further damage from subsequent trauma.

Stick around, pull up a chair - read our stories, look at the Resources, and let your heart tell you if this fits for you.

[Dutch Uncle]

 

Here's the thing though; and why I say in the title "not sure if I should be here". I was never in combat. Never got shot at. Never had a bomb go off nearby. Never been in a situation where I thought I would be maimed or killed.

As far as I know, there is not a single combat veteran on this board, so please don't think you do not 'qualify', or need to fulfill any other criteria to read, post and/or participate.

BeingDS, welcome.  I hope and wish this site and community will be of aid in your journey of recovery from the abuse by your bullying boss.

[Wife#2]

BeingDS - we take it as no insult, those of us here who had no military-style trauma. Coming to the conclusion ourselves, or being diagnosed with c-PTSD, is not easy. I can feel the military discipline in your post. The - tough it out, sailor - thinking that makes you feel that you are lesser because the jack-leg got to you.

But, let's review the facts. 1) You were trapped in a hostile work environment for years. 2) In that hostile work environment, you were subjected to abusive language about yourself. 3) You were effectively powerless to change the situation. 4) The situation continued for a period of years.

Even concrete crumbles if enough little drops of water hit it in the same place for long enough. It isn't an admission of weakness to admit that an abusive SOB landed you in the world of c-PTSD. It's an admission of strength that the abusive SOB took FOUR YEARS to finally break you!

The difference between c-PTSD and PTSD is in the method of delivery.

For PTSD, yes, it is often the combat action that sparks the gut reaction - what happened in the combat field is relived long after the military personnel have returned home. My 75+ year old uncle still can have a flash-back to Viet Nam.

For c-PTSD, it usually takes years for the abuser to finally get to the survivor (I HATE the term victim or even sufferer - survivor works quite well). Because it isn't a one-time or short-term situation. One of the primary elements of c-PTSD is that the person was or felt he/she was powerless to leave the situation where they were being abused. You fit that category.

Another reason that c-PTSD can be so sneaky is that, for the emotionally abused group of us - there are no scars, no wounds, no bruises we can show anyone else. And that da**ed voice won't go away just because you no longer work for him. And the doubts creep in. And you start to think you must be some kind of wimp for this to bother you. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Instead of giving that man the sock in his jaw that he deserved - and losing your cool position and ending up DD, you chose to play it cool, try to play it his way. That was strength.

Imagine if you had a little brother. The brother was a grown up, but had hit a hard patch in his life. You offered to help him out. The only catch was that you got to tell him what a worthless worm he was every day before he went out to look for a job. And if he responded with the punch you deserved for saying such a crappy thing to him - you'd press charges. And if he told anybody else, you'd deny it and kick him out.

Here's how this happens in the human brain. The first few days, he thinks to himself - what a jerk! But, each day it gets harder and harder to get a good attitude on for the job search. After a while, he still thinks you're a jerk, and he really wishes he hadn't signed on for this, because he'd really like to punch you. But, he agreed, so head down, he trudges on. Weeks go by. He can't seem to get a job. He gets interviews, but everyone seems to choose someone else. And he's still hearing what a worthless worm he is every morning. After a few months, he starts to BELIEVE that he's a worthless worm. All that negativity is wearing him down. It shows in how he dresses, how he stands, how he looks at people (because NOBODY knows this is happening every morning and he does now wonder if worthless worm is written on his forehead somewhere).

Now, his friends start noticing the change. When they ask you, as his brother and housemate, if you know what's changed, you shrug. Your deal with him is none of their business. And, it isn't that bad, really, is it? To say one ugly, negative phrase every day? You're not hitting him. You're not shooting at his feet. You're just saying one ugly phrase a day.

And it only took 6 months of that to change your brother from a temporarily unemployed but basically strong fellow into a doubting, unemployed, unemployable person who friends are beginning to think is maybe a closet drug addict, the change is so dramatic.

This is totally theoretical. The point though is to show you that verbal cruelty can be one of the worst kind. Unless you're recording the conversations, it's so hard to prove. And you almost need video with the audio, because abusers can often say that things were taken out of context or misinterpreted to avoid responsibility for their abuse. And, unless you've been put into a situation where the abuse was purely verbal, it's so very hard to understand the impact that can have - given enough time.

I can't diagnose anyone and I have no research to back up my little story above. I just wanted you to give yourself a break for having a beating heart inside your ribs. The unpleasant person (nicest words I can use since we're not supposed to call names on other people) who subjected you to four years of verbal abuse probably had no idea you'd last that long and likely has mental or emotional issues himself.

Though there is physical and emotional damage, you did survive. You didn't have to have bullets shot at you to be damaged. You don't need shrapnel to prove the pain.

The military may require blood to award a purple heart. All we require to welcome you and hope you remain and hope our posts are helpful is for you to show up and post. You've already done that.  WELCOME!