preparing to begin funerals for my daughter - wish me luck!

[sanmagic7]

first of all, thank you all for continuing with me while i do this.  you help give me strength to take this on, and for the first time that i can remember, i do not feel alone.  bless you all for that.  tears of gratitude raced down my face as i read what you wrote.

for so long, since i was 14 or so, i knew i had no one to rely on emotionally, had no support, and steeled myself to do what i needed to do by myself.  i had hoped for a sense of being a team with my first 2 husbands, but that didn't happen.  so things like feeling courageous really did not compute.  i just did what i had to do to take care of business.  in order to do so, fear was not allowed, and i never acknowledged my strength and courage.  to me, they were just there.  people have been telling me for years how courageous i am, and i never felt it, brushed it aside.  not out of humility, not out of false modesty, but because i never stopped to think of myself that way.  to me, courage meant doing something that was feared, and, since i didn't allow fear, i never thought of myself as courageous.  i just did what needed doing as best i could.

i have been working some emdr techniques on myself (i've been trained in it) to loosen this block of cement inside my chest that wouldn't allow me to feel all these things others feel.  i knew, in my mind, that i'm loved, but i couldn't feel it.  i know i'm cared about, am supported, but, again, couldn't feel it.  even tho i've surrounded myself with several wonderful friends and the best hub i could ask for, i could not feel what they were giving me.

last night and this morning, i used my techniques on this block of cement, and eventually it shrivelled away.  my chest is hollow now, feels very different, not quite comfortable.  (i'll have to do a funeral for this at a later date).  but, last night i was able to fall asleep next to my husband knowing and feeling i was loved.  it was remarkable in that it filled the space that is usually taken up by so many nasty ruminations, awful thoughts about people in my past that would just go around and around.  it was the strangest sensation.

and, today, while i'm still grieving for my daughter (i don't know how long this phase will take until i can move on to phase 3), i read your posts, and i could feel the care from each of you, and i began sobbing with relief and wonder.  i've never met any of you, and vice versa, yet i can feel the care for me, the support, the encouragement.  and, many of you used the word courageous for me, and i could feel that you meant it, and that i might be courageous after all.  what a miraculous sensation!  i have to let that sink in.

so thank you all again.  as i muddle through this grief and sadness, your words are helping me stay on track, helping me continue with this and not quit.  i know this is difficult and painful, but i also know i don't have a chance in * of getting even remotely better if i don't do this.  my fear is now focused on being more afraid of staying still, staying so sick, going backward, than it is of moving through this muck of grieving.   i'm more afraid of going backward than going forward, so my fear is now a great motivator.  i'm going to be selfish right now and keep this to myself.  i need it, need the intensity of it more than i need to disburse it toward everyone (my helper complex).  i will keep this in my heart, always.

[Sandstone]

  your post made me smile sanmagic.
Im so glad you dont feel alone in this anymore because, youre not alone, we are all here with you. Its like you said, none of us have met and yet we probably understand each other more than our real life friends ever will.. To have that is very special for me, as im sure it is for you.
You have had a calming effect on me through your posts when iv been confused and struggling with things. I could feel a strong, wise, calm energy from you if that makes sense?  You have done so much work on you and your commitment to healing is inspiring so thank you for that.

I understand your struggle with accepting /noticing those positive traits in you that others see,  but its nice when  one day we can actually entertain the idea that these things could be true of us.

I also get the not feeling the love part, its there intellectually but nothing below the head, well thats how it feels for me anyway. . Wow that you have been training in edmr and have managed to shift a block  that sounds amazing!  I assume it also feel kinda strange until it fills and becomes the norm. You have had some pretty powerful shifts  lately and im sure you are being gentle with yourself whilst youre processing all this new stuff.

Fear of going backwards is a great motivator. i think you have progressed too far forward and put in so much hard work to ever want to go back again. Good for you! You have every right to be selfish and keep it for yourself,  and why not? its yours!    sending you gentle healing hugs while you do what u gotta do to deal with your grief and we will be right here with you  xx

[Three Roses]

"You have had a calming effect on me through your posts when iv been confused and struggling with things. I could feel a strong, wise, calm energy from you if that makes sense?"

Me, too!

[sanmagic7]

this morning i had the final funeral for my daughter, the daughter i caught glimpses of through the years.  the flowers were white, thousands of them in all shapes and sizes, for the purity and sweetness that is her soul.  i've been one of the fortunate ones to see that side of her - so bright, so smart, so funny, so giving.  mostly i saw her this way with her kitties, how very loving she was to and with them.  she was a foster mom for kitties with feline leukemia for several years.  she took them in and gave them wonderful lives for the little while they had on earth.  finally, it was too much for her, and she got two healthy kitties to keep for her own.  and she was wonderful with all of them.

i used to tell her she'd be a great mom, by watching her interaction with her cats.  i don't know now.  my dad once told us that my mom would die for us, and i carried that expectation with me into my own mom-hood.  i would have gladly given my life for my daughters, would have given my life for s if i thought it would help her, if it would've saved her. 

but, not this way.  not because of her constant chipping, slashing, tearing, ripping of my heart, my mind, my emotions.  i've almost gone under several times because of it, and last year i gave it serious thought for a minute.  but, that wouldn't have helped her.  and that's all i ever wanted to do, is to help her have a happy, healthy life.

so, to reject this precious being who is my daughter, to shun her, to shut her out of my life, to bury her goes against every grain of motherhood in my being.  but, i also know that it has to be done, for my own sake, for my own life.  that sweetness is there, those big dark eyes shining with delight, that porcelain skin emanating light that could brighten the darkest room, that sense of humor that could make everyone laugh, the silliness that was infectious - she was fun in so many ways - the tenderness she could show to others  --  it was all there, and like an addict, i kept putting more time, energy, and money into that slot machine, hoping that i'd reap the rewards of a jackpot, and she'd be mine again.

i was always so afraid of losing her, which is why i kept staying in her circle of horror.  nothing seemed as bad to me as not having her as a part of my life, nothing was as bad as her rejection of me.  in the end, i had to reject her.  it nearly killed me, but i survived.  i have another daughter to live for.

so, i lay this precious first-born to rest now.  i remember her birth, how they wouldn't let me hold her because i wasn't 'sterile', but, as a nurse walked by, carrying her, i reached out and grabbed her foot for a moment .  no one was going to keep me from her!  it turned out that i was hemorrhaging because of a stupid mistake, and i had to be put under in order to stop the bleeding.  even while i was pregnant, she and i had a rocky time of it.  but, we'd made it through, and she rode my hip for over a year, while i did everything one-handed.  but, she rarely smiled.  the signs were there, even then.

i love her so much, miss her terribly.  actually, i miss what i didn't have with her.  i don't miss the nightmare of her.  i miss the failed bonding, the respect, the loving care for me, the interest in me, the togetherness that we could have had and enjoyed.  i miss the positive attention she might've paid me.  the concern for me when i got sick, when i was walking with a cane while taking care of her, watching over her as she fought off her own mental health demons.  i thought it would all change, then, but it didn't.  she was cured, but it made the abuse worse than ever.  that, even in her right mind she would do these things to me, would purposely hurt me, would emotionally torture me, would say and do things no daughter should ever say to a mother was something so profoundly beyond my comprehension, that i had to deny it for a time. 

until the end, when i couldn't take it anymore, when i finally had to stop her the only way possible - by not allowing her access to me.  the reality of it nearly did me in, i nearly became a vegetable because i couldn't see any way to endure what had happened.  but, information about narc abuse had come to my attention, i had recognized it in her and her dad, that together they bonded against me, and i got back up and started on this path out of the storm.  thankfully, i've had help and support, which has enabled me to get to this point in my life, which has kept me alive to this point in my life.

so, my beautiful, precious daughter, i must say good-bye now.  i can't fix this, i can't make it better, i can't make you better, i can't make us better.  i have to let you go.  this is the hardest thing i've ever done, but i am suffering too much not to do it.  good-bye.  sweet dreams.  i miss you so much.

[Three Roses]

   

I can only imagine the pain this brings you, however necessary it is.

You are a wonderful person, sanmagic, and I wish beautiful things for your future.

[Sandstone]

    

[sanmagic7]

as i look at the funeral flowers on my desktop today, i believe i'm done with her.  i'm still so very angry about what she's done to me, what all these people have done to me.  they can all rot now.  (i guess i have some anger work to do later!).  for right now, tho, it feels good to feel the anger that i've denied, or wouldn't allow for so long.  i'm still sad that i wasn't able to enjoy my babies because i was so depressed, and i'll have to do a funeral for that.  having these emotions and finally having a focus for them is helping a lot.

i'd gotten to the point where any gentle, caring thing i'd hear about or see on tv/movies would bring an unbidden flow of tears - i wouldn't be able to talk, to tell someone about what i'd heard/seen because i'd be crying so hard.  what these funerals have done for me is shown me that i've been crying for what i hadn't had in my life, for what i'd wanted that i didn't get or couldn't feel.  like this funeral for my daughter, i realized that my own depression and act of surviving (my first hub left me when i was 7 mos. pregnant) didn't allow any room for feeling anything loving toward my babies, either in the womb or after they were born.  they were a responsibility i had taken on, and i'd perform that responsibility, but i found no joy, no happiness in nurturing a new life.

it was simply another chore. 

i can see now that because of my own mental health issues, brought on, i'm sure, by the burden of expectations laid upon me before i was 2 (my shoulders were hunched forward under the weight of them when i was still young - my dad called me 'hunchy' and threatened to put a board up my back in order to straighten up my posture. )  i never felt what i've witnessed other mothers-to-be feel toward their unborn children, never took pleasure in my daughters when they were young, didn't even like them very much until they were about 7.  and i would cry each and every time i would see these things.  i cried at every act of kindness, every gentleness by one person to another, every loving gesture between couples, every achievement of my daughters - i cried so much of the time, wanting to be able to feel what they all felt.  i used to explain it away by saying i had so much emotion about something that i couldn't contain it, and it overflowed in tears.  especially when my daughters were recognized for something, or graduated from high school and college, the joy for them was overwhelming.  while that was true, i can also see now how i didn't feel that for myself at my own achievements and milestones.

with these funerals, i've come to realize what these gallons of tears have been about - my own inability to be able to take in all the loving, caring, beautiful things that i'd had in my own life.  i felt bereft of them, when in actuality, they'd been there - i just couldn't feel them, couldn't take them in and know they were mine as well.  so, as i focus on what i've missed in my life, and lay it all to rest, the tears at seeing others give and receive kindness and love are slowly diminishing.  i can now sometimes get thru a sentence without sobbing.  there are more to come, such as the funeral i will have for what i couldn't feel with my daughters, but i finally have an answer to all this crying i've been doing for so long.  i've been grieving for myself without knowing it.  it's finally having a focus for that grieving that allows me to acknowledge exactly what i've been missing, and why.  thank you god.

and, thank you to all of you who have stayed with me during this funeral.  you have been a godsend.  thank you for your kind words and well wishes - they've meant more than i can explain.  thank you for your time and energy during your own busy lives to read what i've written, to acknowledge my pain, to support me - literally to hold me up out of the quagmire! - and to cheer me on.  it's all been more than appreciated.  hugs back to every one of you.  you've been an unexpected gift in my life, one that i'll always cherish.  i can now say this with happiness and gratitude in my heart and without tears.  yay!

[Dutch Uncle]

 

[Danaus plexippus]

Excellent deductive reasoning!

[Wife#2]

SanMagic, be gentle with yourself in the coming weeks. You've opened up a lot of emotional doors, some you didn't even know were there, let alone that they were closed. The breeze which may now blow through your soul can be refreshing and can also be frightening.

As with the real death of a loved one, there will now be some holes in your heart and in your life. Find ways to fill them with those few, precious, happy memories. Not in the sense of self-deluding, I think you are well beyond that anyway. But, in the sense that you can touch back to those joy-filled moments and appreciate them NOW for what they were, in a way you perhaps couldn't at the time.

I think you are courageous and wise to put yourself through this experience. It is healthy to mourn that which we recognize will never be what we hoped, wanted, desired. It can open pieces of your heart to new experiences you never could have anticipated!

I hope for you that you find peace and comfort in this process. 

[sanmagic7]

i love you all!

[Three Roses]

We love you back! 

[Sienna]

Hey Sanmagic7

How are you doing?
I have wanted to write, but have been stuck for words.
It feels as if there is nothing i can really say. Its such a shame, that things in life go wrong...then, someone wakes up, such as yourself, but others got caught in the storm too, but they are not waking up.
Im so sorry.
You sound very insightful about what happened. 
I guess, that the realisation, whilst painful, that you cant make her better by being in contact with her, is a huge one. Nothing can, apart from herself.

[sanmagic7]

hey, sienna,  thanks for asking.  i'm feeling better, calmer.  this has helped a lot.  yeah, a mom wants to protect her kids, but i found out that i can't protect them from themselves.  it's been rough, but i believe i'm through to the other side now.  thank you for your kind and caring words.  they're much appreciated.

[Sienna]

I am so glad you are feeling better, and calmer Sanmagic.
I guess, whilst is totally sucks, a parents job i think, is, when the time comes, to let their children go. And we bring them into this world to not only love them, but to help them learn how to be their own being, even if its not the best thing for them. This must have been so hard to put it mildly. Your a brave lady.

We are all here for you Sanmagic.