panicked right now

[ericafaye]

Hello,

I'm not really sure how to begin this...but oh well, here goes. All of a sudden I am in a panic state, after feeling a sort of elation for the past two days upon figuring out about cPTSD and that I had it. I haven't had a panic attack for quite some time because of medication, but I used to have severe panic attacks often. Right now I feel that my whole body is tensed and shaky, and I sort of feel that out-of-body feeling that I get sometimes with attacks. I've also had headaches all day. I know that this is starting to touch on the truth, which is terrifying for me. I have spent so many years trying so hard to pretend to be "normal", to pretend that i'm okay, but I've always known there is something, something in me that's always being pushed down. Because i'm terrified of what's really there.

I was sexually abused by my grandfather when I was 6, molested by two other people, and raped when I was 13. I know that my grandfather raped my mother and her sister when they were children, so I think my mom probably has this too, and has stuffed her experiences so far down that she became sort of...I guess, in denial about a lot of things. She was kind of "checked out". She put me in dangerous situations, although I know she didn't do this knowingly. She is a loving person. But I can't help but feel anger at her for  putting me in these situations. I don't know what to do with this anger. Her life has been hard enough, I couldn't confront her because I know how hard it would be on her and it really wouldn't do anyone any good.

I was in therapy with a good therapist, but when things started to get "real", I stopped going. This is what I always do. I freeze. I can't articulate. I feel small and helpless and I can't deal with it. I say I'm fine and move on. I have a compulsion to get away from anything serious, to be alone, to run. I skip work and end up getting fired over and over because I just want to be alone. Or I just quit jobs. It's causing problems in my marriage now. I feel like a complete failure of a human being. The guilt and shame keeps piling up and I can't explain to my husband what's really going on because I always feel like I'm complaining while we have "real" problems to worry about. But I don't think I can keep this up anymore. I'm so tired. Tired of running away from myself. I turn 40 next month and this has been my life.

I'm going back to that same therapist next week. I'm going to make a better attempt at committing myself to it, trying to open up more. I think I dissociate when confronted with tough questions. I become lightheaded and spacey, and can't find words. I then feel like an idiot. I want to tell her what she wants to hear so I can get out of there and escape back to safety where no one is trying to get inside my head or heart.

Does anyone else feel, or have felt, this way in therapy? How do you overcome this? It's so powerful. I know that this means I must get to the other side of this for true healing to begin, but I don't know how. And not just in therapy, but in relationships and life in general.

[Three Roses]

   I know this, this is me too. Spent my whole life running from my memories, losing jobs, friends, etc and now at almost 60 I'm finally starting to face them. It feels good, but scary too.

"Right now I feel that my whole body is tensed and shaky".... this is your body's response to a remembered trauma, what Pete Walker refers to as "armoring". "...and I sort of feel that out-of-body feeling" sounds like de-realization, another thing many of us here experience.

I discovered to my surprise that I had anger towards my mother, whom I thought I saw as my protector. When I was truthful with myself, I saw the anger I felt towards her for not removing me entirely from the situation. This led to me remembering specific abusive behaviors of hers, which surprised me as she'd always filled the role of Rescuer in my mind.

"How do you overcome this? It's so powerful. I know that this means I must get to the other side of this for true healing to begin, but I don't know how."  Something else that all of us here are trying to learn! For me, just knowing I've consciously decided to stop running has been huge. Getting in touch with my hurting inner child (IC) and learning to comfort her (or them, more accurately, as there's more than one) when I feel panicky. Breathing through something and allowing myself to just feel it while knowing I'm safe now; it's not my present reality even tho my body would like to think it is, and tells me so!

Keep posting, keep reading. You are with people who know your pain, know your struggle, know how it feels... we know it's real.

[Kizzie]

HI Erica - It's often such a relief to find out we have CPTSD ("I'm not crazy and I'm not alone any more"), but then that's followed by the realization "OMG I have CPTSD" and panic sets in. 

It can be really unsettling when the reality hits so FWIW please know it's a common reaction and for most of us the panic settles down once the shock subsides. That you've allowed yourself to see this is likely a sign that you are ready and willing on some level to begin recovering so I hope you take some comfort in that thought. 

[ericafaye]

Thank you so much Kizzie and ThreeRoses for your welcomes and replies! I feel less panicky today. It's funny how just knowing there are others who understand makes a big difference. Like...this is real!!! It's not all in my head or just a weakness of character. I know this is the right place for me to be. I'm going to order Pete Walker's  book today.