Dearest H - I may need a break from us to heal me *** triggers maybe ***

[Wife#2]

I'm working hard here. I'm trying to get to a healthy place so I can help hold our family together. I do love you and I do want to grow old(er) with you. But, I may need a break.

It's so hard to learn to set healthy boundaries when I've never really done a good job of it before. I've talked about them, advised others about their importance in a healthy relationship. I've even tried to enforce one or two with you, but I cave too easily in the face of making you feel badly towards me.

I really do care what you think. The problem I'm having is that what everyone else thinks matters so much more than what I think. So much more that I'm not even sure WHAT I think right now, about ANYTHING. THAT's why it's so hard to decide what to pull out of the freezer for you to fix for dinner. I DON'T KNOW, and I'm afraid to make the decision for fear that you will look at my choice and become angry. Not in a 'he's going to hurt me' fear, but in the sense that I'm so tired of feeling like I'm letting everyone down that your disappointment reads in my heart as angry with me.

I know, I know, and I accuse YOU of making mountains out of molehills. But, we've talked about how my Dad could devastate me just by being disappointed in me. It IS a big deal in my heart. And I need to be safe enough to admit that without being laughed at.

The thing is, I don't want a divorce at this time. I just don't see how I can work through these issues on my own and for my own benefit, if I 'm still with a husband who can send me into an emotional panic just by asking, 'What do you want for dinner tomorrow night?'

I wish I knew what the best answer was, or what the kindest alternatives were. As long as the alternatives are kind to me as well as to you. This one or the other life we've been having lately is for the birds, you know what I mean? And I don't think there is one, because of our unique situation.

I wish we could both be healed by wanting it bad enough. I think you believe you ARE healed from your childhood already. I beg to differ, sweetie. We both have a lot of work to do.

I'm so busy trying so hard to pre-emptively handle all problems that I fail to see the boulder rolling down the hill. You're so busy playing with your toys and having fun in your castle that you don't see the alligators moving into and past your moat. You see the boulder, but it's not aimed at your castle, so it's no concern to you. Until it hits ME square in the wallet, or heart, NOW it's YOUR problem only I'm already damaged by the boulder again. Then, if I find out that the boulder hit me because of YOUR games, I've got to rebuild trust ALL over again.

I need a place of calm. I need a place where I can recharge before I undertake this effort to get better. I know I will not be given either. At least as long as we're together. Therefore, I may need a break from us to heal me.

[Three Roses]

 

It is difficult to get better if you're also trying to heal someone else. (That's his job, by the way.)

If you are being re-injured in your relationship, while trying to recover from past trauma, you'll never dig yourself out. Great letter!

[Whobuddy]

I agree with Three Roses, great letter!

I can identify, as a matter of fact it sounds like my story. I have left him but not divorced yet.

It is calmer on this side. I have all sorts of emotions but I have a quiet, calm space for me to work on them now.

Sending hugs, you are not alone.

[Wife#2]

Thank you both!  to both of you.

I will probably, knowing me, stay in the marriage and plug on. I'll work on myself and be here at this website, and others, to help me through the setbacks. And to gain encouragement to keep on keeping on. I hope that will be enough. Because I don't believe that peace will be had through a separation at this time. Not with a DS8 counting on us and needing us the way a child SHOULD need his parents.

But, I can dream. I can write my thoughts here, feel them fully, figure out which ones can be applied practically in my life and in my family.

So, though I do know that I need some time to myself, I don't see how taking it right now is beneficial to my husband and young son. If it hurts them, I won't be able to use that time to myself - I would instead add guilt to the complex emotions I'm working on now. And, abandonment by my mother for several seasons over my young childhood is one of the things I'm coping with. I don't see me doing that to my son, knowing how it affected me.

At least it did feel good to articulate what I'm feeling in a way that resonated with myself and with others! If I keep practicing here, maybe I can finally say it at home.

[Danaus plexippus]

My dearly departed H used to send me away to a yoga retreat for a few days every year. He said it gave him peace and quiet.

[Wife#2]

Yeah, that's not going to happen!  I'm glad your husband did that for you, though. I'm sure it was a peaceful time for you as well as for him. If I could take H and DS8 AND DSS23 who still lives at home and send them all away for a week, I would. That's not going to happen either.

I tried using the week last summer at my Dad & Stepmom's as a 'retreat' of sorts, but there's some unresolved history there and the week was REALLY supposed to be for them to get to know my DS8 and for him to get to know them. It didn't work out that way. I came away from that week relaxed in some ways but far more stressed out in others and confused about where I stand regarding my father and his wife.

That's a whole different post, though.

[Danaus plexippus]

Post-wise we are all over the place. I guess we can blame that on c-PTSD too.

[Wife#2]

LOL - so right! But, I think it's also understandable. We're in recovery. Things we hadn't expected because we'd forgotten them are coming up. We've prodded the ant-hill with a  stick. We might not be surprised that SOME ants headed out to investigate, but we're not always prepared for the whole colony at once!

That's why I want the time to sort through all this. It's all coming at me so fast, I don't know what to do. I'm pretty sure that if I don't get my act together at least somewhat that I'll be losing my job soon. I really don't want to go down THAT road. So, I'm trying to cram coping in among the work needs, family needs, etc!

The saddest part is that I'm sitting here, typing these excuses of why I can't/won't/shouldn't take time for myself and tell them all to go chill out AWAY from me for a while. How sad is that? People-pleasing to the point of nausea for those of you who read my posts. Excuse, excuse, excuse of why I can't put myself first, even for a little while! Of course they aren't going to like it - I've not enforced this need of mine before. Of course, they're going to  try to interrupt me and make it (whatever IT may end up being) all about them - they've got away with that for years. They're not going to HATE me for demanding some ME time. Even if they say they will, they'll get over it or get out.

This is a 'Jethro slap' to my own head. Done with love and intended to help me get my head back on my shoulders and my brain functioning again.

[Danaus plexippus]

Do you have any say over what you do with the money you earn working for a living? Give yourself a spa day. See what's available nearby. If you must play the martyr, get up early, make everyone a delicious breakfast, grab you bag and go. You'll be home in time to make a "please forgive me for taking time to breath" delicious dinner. Unless they are totally unredeemable monsters the worst you should come home to is sink full of dirty greasy dishes; which as the lowly serf that you are, you will do in the spirit of penitence and gratitude.   

[Wife#2]

Danaus,

Good call on my playing martyr. It puts my complaining into even better perspective. It is time to tend myself and deal with the consequences later, if consequences come at all. I have lately spent so much time imagining the worst that can happen that I've forgotten that is the WORST and not necessarily how it will happen.

I like you - you call me on my S**t. I need people like that around me. Thank you!!

And the spa day does sound like a good idea.

[Danaus plexippus]

Thank you for taking that so well. I was afraid I was being too blunt. I wish you all the best. Enjoy whatever you decide to do and let us all be happy for you.