New here and feeling thankful *TRIGGER ALERT*

[bruisednotbroken]

Hi, all.

I have been coming to OOTS religiously since I found it a few weeks ago, and finally decided to join in the hopes of finding others out there who know what CPTSD is and how it affects daily life.

I was previously diagnosed (many years ago) with PTSD due to my childhood, but C-PTSD fits me so precisely, it's almost scary.

I was raised, with one sister, by a dx malignant NPD mother with sociopathic traits. The first abandonment took place at 2 days old, when she left me in the hospital for 11 weeks, and again at 18 months old when she placed my sister and I in an orphanage to anger our father. Things may have been a lot different if she had just left us in the orphanage, but we had no such luck. My father got us out after a year, and they began a kidnapping war back and forth for the first few years of our lives. We were tossed back and forth every few months, going from a suburban style life (with Dad) to a hitch-hiking, homeless hippie lifestyle (with Mom). We suffered countless abuses at the hands of both our mother and the disturbed people she traveled/lived with off and on. She left us with anyone who would take us, including waitresses she didn't know, a truck driver, a bar tender at the bar where she stripped, etc. Sometimes she would drop us off, claiming she needed a sitter for a few hours and wouldn't return for weeks. When we were with her, she was all but physically abusive. She rarely hit us, but found other ways to exact punishment for unknown offenses and perceived wrongs.

Anyway... you get the idea, I'm sure, of just some of what we lived with. Eventually she did "settle down" when she married her drug dealer, and I had to go live with them at age 14. I can honestly say, that out of all 4 of the "parents" I ended up with, the dealer was the best of them. He wasn't directly abusive so much as he allowed her abuse to take place and continue unchecked.

My adult life (now age 44, and a mother of 3) has been a series of one failing coping mechanism after another. Thankfully, after watching her rampant drug abuse for so many years, I escaped without any addictions to either drugs or alcohol. I actually have problems even taking medicine for pain relief when I need to because of what I witnessed and was subjected to over the years regarding drugs and intoxicated people.

I'm only now (after a severe emotional trauma in my personal life) beginning to truly understand what exactly has been done to me through so many repeated traumas. I have always been a fairly self-aware person, and this path of discovery I am now on is one I vow to travel, no matter what I have to face to do it. I want to heal as much as possible, I want to change my behaviors and hopefully improve my relationships/friendships and interactions with the world around me. I want to be healthy, and I want back some of what was taken from me.

I admit, I am having a lot of trouble dealing with the absolute flood of feelings, memories, and realizations that have all hit me within the span of about 4 months or so. I am struggling with depression, anger, frustration, and many other emotions (not to mention I still have contact with FOO, so toss in that ongoing abuse), but I am determined to reclaim my life and take charge of my future.

Thank you for listening, and for reading a little of my story. I have gotten so much help already from all of you who have shared your stories and inspired me to do the same. I thank each of you for being brave enough to share, I know how terrifying it can sometimes be.   

[LanaBanana]

Hi and welcome to OOTS Bruisednotbroken! 

Thank you for sharing your story, that took a lot of courage!   
What you lived through sounds awful, and your desire to heal and have a better life is really brave! 
I think you came to the right place. We're happy to have you here! 

[featherfalling]

Welcome!   

Your story sounds really rough, and I'm glad you've found somewhere to talk to people and share your story.  I'm super impressed at how brave you are to have shared all that with us, and at your determination to better yourself.  Go you! 

[Kizzie]

   Definitely "Go you!"  Your determination is palpable  which is amazing considering all that you have been through. 

A big warm welcome to you, glad you posted and I hope you find some good info and support here. 

[mourningdove]

Welcome, bruisednotbroken! 

[Thumper]

Hi! 
I am new here too.  A little older, married 23yrs, three normal almost all adult kids YEAH!  but my mom is a covert narc.  Very sneaky but damaging non the less.  Left home too early ended up being married to worse but ended pretty fast.  I want to heal and feel safe to be me like my children do. 

I just ordered Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA.  It should arrive Sunday,  Do you want to read it too and start kinda a book club. 
Thumper

[bruisednotbroken]

Thank you, everyone, for the welcoming and positive messages. It's really nice to be able to come here and not feel so alone and out of place!

Thumper, I would love to read the book along with you. Time is my only issue. I'm currently working more than one job which doesn't leave me much free time. If I can manage to squeeze some free time into my schedule, I definitely will. I'll let you know if I can swing it in the near future. If not, I look forward to anything you might feel like sharing from it!

Thanks again