Featherfalling's Journal (Trigger Warning)

featherfalling · June 09, 2016, 04:19:35 PM

I wish I could post more about recovery right now. I wish I was doing better. I called a therapist, they didn't have an appt available until next month but at least it's scheduled, right? I dunno. I'm falling apart right now, I feel like the water around me is above my head and I'm not doing a very good job of swimming.

My entire life routine has been up-ended for two months now. I've been traveling 2 hours away from home on Monday, staying in a hotel and working on-site for a client through Friday, and driving home (2 hours again) on Friday. I've been working long days Mon-Thurs so I can start the drive at noon on Friday, and see my SO a little earlier (I have to stop in at my regular workplace on the way home for about half an hour as well). This disruption, isolation (I'm eating most of my dinners out, and all of my dinners alone), and separation from SO and my two kitties is wrecking my (never perfectly stable) mental health. I've also been suffering from IBS (still getting diagnosed, actually, but the GI is pretty sure that's what it is) and am still trying to find the right treatment for that, and scheduling appts around being 2 hours away from home all week is rough. Especially when I already hate calling doctors (don't really feel like whatever I am dealing with is a *real* issue), and have phone anxiety in general.

So, despite trying things like reading recommended books on CPTSD, and meditating (though it's hard to make myself do that every night), I'm still feeling like a yawning chasm of despair a fair bit of the time. My inner critic is winning some of the arguments I have with it because I just don't have the energy anymore, and whenever I go to the top of the stairs at work (I'm on the 2nd floor) I stare down and thoughts about jumping just pop into my mind. More and more thoughts like that have been popping into my mind. Things like just grabbing the scissors and slashing my wrists (I've had problems with self harm in the past, which I've mostly managed to not go back to despite feeling like this). I've always had intrusive thoughts (as long as I can remember) but they get worse when I'm feeling passively suicidal - I feel like I actually want to do them, as opposed to just seeing something horrible that could happen.

I suppose hope is on the horizon, because my company is in the process of approving an extended stay hotel I found and negotiated a discounted rate with, so that my SO and kitties can come down and stay with me, and I'll be down here over weekends, too. But still, I'm going to an office that doesn't have windows, a cubicle that isn't mine, isn't the one I carefully decorated to help my mental health over the course of 3 years. It's not even a full wall cubicle! I feel so exposed, on all sides, all the time. I just want to hide. But I can't complain about the work, because my company is laying people off and this was my dept's way of keeping me utilized - sending me to this client site. However, when they asked me about going, that's not what it was, it was for a month, which I agreed to. It's now an unknown length of time, possibly 6 months, and I don't want to be down here in this city I don't know, where my friends aren't (yeah, I know, all *three* of my friends, but still). I want to look for another job. But I feel guilty about that, because my boss is trying to be really accommodating in giving me the extended stay, and such, and the company is a good place to work, normally. And a new company would just be another routine disruption, as well as the godawful trigger-y mess that is the job search process (* you mum, * you so much).

Three Roses · June 09, 2016, 04:32:34 PM

seriously, great big warm fuzzy no-pressure hugs to you! I'm so sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed at this time ... I'm concerned about the self harm statements you made and hope it doesn't get to that point.

As far as feeling guilty about wanting to find a different job, it's more important for you to take care of yourself than your coworkers.

Please keep us updated, we care about you featherfalling.

featherfalling · June 09, 2016, 06:00:51 PM

Three Roses, thank you so much.

I'm trying to cope with the self harm urges by drawing on myself instead. Sometimes with a red pen to mimic what I'd cut, but sometimes I use a sharpie to try out tattoo ideas or something. It helps a bit with the urge to make everything...visible?

Three Roses · June 09, 2016, 06:03:04 PM

Wife#2 · June 09, 2016, 07:11:04 PM

Featherfalling - that's a GREAT idea. My DSD started drawing on her jeans (she was a cutter years ago, also). So, whenever she started to get overwhelmed, she'd put on her 'art jeans' and draw away! It did help a little. She could at least get herself past the worst of the cut urges. Once that had passed, she'd journal like a demon. Her journal books fill a bookshelf now, if she'd let anyone see them. I hated that all I could do was NOT add to her stress.

When my ideations started getting a little too real, I began reading any book I could use to distract - the more 'brain-candy' the better. Strangely enough, Stephen King worked best. That, and Harry Potter books.

I am glad to hear that you have an appointment with a therapist. That is a step in the right direction. But, as Three Roses said, YOU are allowed to matter more than the people you work with. I TOTALLY get the whole feeling obliged thing. I also was given a transfer five months ago that was to prevent my being laid off. This is now permanent. I'm OK with that. It's why my husband (yeah, you read THAT post) is against me taking the time off right now because of all the changes and attempts my employer is making to keep me employed. But, at the end of the day, it's a little self-sabotaging if you don't take care of yourself as THE most important person in your life. (Fine advice, wish *I* could take it myself!)

So, I'll send

with the hope that you are able to have your SO with you during the week soon (and the four-legged children, too!). That can help - knowing you have your SO there for you when you get 'in' every evening.

featherfalling · June 15, 2016, 05:56:41 PM

A positive-ish update! I saw my medication prescriber (psychiatrist? can never remember which is which), and told her how I had been feeling. She was really understanding and nice, and upped my cymbalta dose by half. 4 days into taking the new dose, and I think it's finally starting to kick in. I feel a bit more like myself, a bit higher energy and more motivated. Feeling less overwhelmed, less bad thoughts and urges to hurt myself (basically back to normal background intrusive thoughts levels).

Wife#2 - Thanks for the words of support! I brought a journal along with me this week, after seeing your post, but haven't been able to bring myself to write in it yet. Perhaps I should start scheduling writing time? Dunno, when I try to over-schedule my evenings that never seems to work, but I can't seem to form a habit organically either.

Three Roses · June 15, 2016, 06:09:30 PM

So glad to hear you are feeling better!!

Wife#2 · June 15, 2016, 07:38:35 PM

Feather - reach for it every time you'd normally reach for physical contact with SO! 'Tell' write in the journal everything you would tell your SO if phones didn't need recharging and she was sitting next to you. Write 'letters never sent', or hopeful things that you think sound too silly or boring to post here.

I recently found my journal (sis gave it to me, has a pic of Wonder Woman on the covers). I haven't written in it in years. I think I'll claim it back and begin again, myself. I have a lot of things to ponder with some self-work I've been doing this week.

You've made it to midweek! That's something! And hurray for adjusted meds beginning to work!

featherfalling · June 15, 2016, 07:55:18 PM

Quote from: Three Roses on June 15, 2016, 06:09:30 PM
So glad to hear you are feeling better!!

Thanks!

Quote from: Wife#2 on June 15, 2016, 07:38:35 PM
Feather - reach for it every time you'd normally reach for physical contact with SO! 'Tell' write in the journal everything you would tell your SO if phones didn't need recharging and she was sitting next to you. Write 'letters never sent', or hopeful things that you think sound too silly or boring to post here.

I recently found my journal (sis gave it to me, has a pic of Wonder Woman on the covers). I haven't written in it in years. I think I'll claim it back and begin again, myself. I have a lot of things to ponder with some self-work I've been doing this week.

You've made it to midweek! That's something! And hurray for adjusted meds beginning to work!

Ooh, that's a good idea. I'd probably write in it more if I had it with me during the day, too. Thanks, and thanks for the well wishes!

Definitely use your Wonder Woman journal! I think it's she's really cool (have always liked her as a powerful female role model) and I think she would cheer you on with your self work.