New Profile Only Posted Once Before *Trigger warning!*

[Daughter of Light]

I was so glad to find this site several months back. I posted as Luminosity Rising then forgot my password shortly after. Sadly, I never got an email from the site to help me reset it, but here I am with new email and username. I feel like this forum could be very helpful for me. As I explained in my original post, I have a lot of trauma that spiraled and compiled, leaving me feeling like a scattered mess.

My only biological sibling, my brother (3 years older than myself) sexually abused me; it went on for 8 or so years, until I was 14, before I was afraid enough to speak out. My family (except my mom) told me it was mutual because, "it's natural for children to comfort each other in broken homes". That lie nearly destroyed me as a teen; I turned to self harm (cutting, starving myself, chain smoking cigarettes) and bounced from therapist to therapist.

At 16 years old I lost my virginity to rape by a high school class mate. The school made sure the security guard didn't let him near me, but my family blamed me because I had let him in my home. I told him not to follow me off the bus; he didn't listen and before I knew it we were on my front porch and he was kissing on me. My neighbors were outside and due to my overwhelming shame from childhood abuse, I was terrified to be seen. I let him in. I lost friends, my family's respect and compassion. I felt utterly alone.

Less than a year later (age 17) I met a 24 year old who groomed me and preyed on me and my friends. That led to a toxic 5 year relationship with that predator, who tormented, raped and bullied me on almost a daily basis. In that 5 years I was also raped by an (ex) friend's brother and used and raped by  recent ex's friend. I was a professional webcam model (solo live video adult "star", basically) for 4 of the 5 years, to take care of my abuser, as he refused to contribute at all. Thankfully, I've been out of that for a year and a half and happily engaged (to the sweetest man I've ever met), for a year.

Last year, in October, I attempted to take my life. Things just seemed like too much! My CPTSD symptoms were showing, when I thought I was "over" my trauma. Now, I am 24 years old and reprocessing everything one day at a time. Choosing to love myself and have self-compassion is the hardest thing, but I'm here! I go to therapy and love my current therapist; I also do Equine Therapy (horses are amazing)! But most days, therapy does not seem like enough; my triggers are frequent and feel out of control. It's hard to just feel okay, but those moments are happening, which gives me hope. I live for those moments. Thanks for listening.

~Daughter of Light~

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi Daughter of Light 

Welcome again at OOTS. 

I'm glad you have found your way back. 


Dutch

[Three Roses]

Welcome (again)! I'm pretty new here too but I've already gleaned so much information and insight from this forum. It's helping me feel that I'm not alone.

As a side note: it's always great to see people getting help who are younger, as I lived my life into my 50's without a clue what CPTSD is and how to combat it. 

[Daughter of Light]

Thank you, Dutch! Three Roses, thank you for the welcome back. It's great to hear that the forum is helping you so much already. I think about that all the time, how lucky I am to have the support, understanding and resources that are available now. But it's never too late to learn, heal and grow!

Fondly,

~Daughter of Light~

[Kizzie]

Welcome back Daughter of Light