Dear T, my sister (possible trigger warning)

[Sasha06]

After a really bad moment; one in which I hadn't had in years to which I had never so openly (though in my car) expressed; and having just got off the phone with my mom, I wrote a letter per her suggestion. This is the second try at this letter I never gave to her. I have even changed her initial for safety purposes

T,
I'm writing you this letter because it's quite apparent that we can't communicate well with each other. Plus I can't seem to have a calm and normal converstation when high emotions are at hand. And mom thought it would be a good idea. Calm heads and all.
I will try my best to be informative and nice. I'm not trying to one-up on anything. I'm just hoping to be able to articulate how I feel and for you to be able to understand me and my side a little better.
Of course, as I sit here trying to re-write what I wrote, I wonder how similar our feelings are.
So, my feelings from the other night:
I am a failure. I cannot do anything right, all I know how to do is make stupid mistakes. No matter what I do, I am wrong.
I feel that you don't care. You hold me at arms length and don't want me around and wish that I would go.
I am not you. I will never do it the way you want. And I will always piss you off, because I will always do it differently than the way you want it done. But it will get done and end the same way as you would have done it. Though I do try to do it the way you want it done.
But when you nit-pick those littel aspects, or even sit there when I want to talk to you with your face in the phone, it hurts me. That to me says that you don't care. I don't deserve your time, respect or interest. That I am worthless and unwanted.
And I want change. I know that you will never believe me, but I do.
For the first time, I have hope. Because of your help, there is a light. An end to my financial torment.
And then you dismiss; in esscence state that I'm being stupid; my attempts at an explination for my self-sabotaging. And truthfully, I don't know why. What I do know is that when I turn around, I then see it. It's the main reason why I wanted to see a doctor. To find out why. To have an explination. So that I can finally look for the right kind of help and solutions. Stop before it starts.
But when you dismiss that, you dismiss me. And that says to me that my thoughts and feelings are stupid.
As I write this, I keep going back to the one sentence I wrote in my emotional letter. "Your Acts of Service views and ways of doing things confuse and exhaust me " (The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman)
And even with all the emotions tumbling all at once in me: hurt, anger, confusion, devistation, alone, lost, unwanted; I wonder how true that sentence is from you to me and with Quality Time as the aspect.
I do love you. Yet with how I feel, I don't know or understand what I did to make you hate me so.
I doubt that I could ever prove or show in a way you would ever understand my gratitude to you for your help.
And I'm going to @#&* up. I will make mistakes. Please let me. Guide me instead of lecturing me. Stop being angry at me when I do something wrong. At least on the little things. I need to know that it's ok, we can fix it. Because it feels like it's the end of the world with you. Like everything I touch seems to turn to $#@!. Why I feel like I can never do anything right, no matter how I try.
Gods, I'm probably repeating myself by now.
All I'm hoping from this is some understanding. A starting stone.
And I'm gonna bawl like a baby. I am now, but that's because I'm mostly devistated from the other night.
I know you appologized, but I'm still taking it very hard and personally.
Another reason why I need to see someone.
I love you very much. And giving this letter to you scares the * out of me very much. Because I would sit there, anxiety ridden to the point that I'll want to puke, waiting for the dissapointment, the corrections, the "You have no right", or the just plain wrong.
I just want to belong somewhere.
I just want to be wanted.

Ok, seriously need to stop.

Me

Please understand that I'm not stating that this is how it is.
Just how I feel.