Hey. I'm new here.( long and possible triggers)

[Rainbow.80]

Hello there.
I am glad that I found this forum. I've been registered for a little while but each time I started writing this message, I deleted it. I am 35 and officially diagnosed with PTSD, because of my last PTSD onset lasting several months,  ADHD but mostly I struggle with symptoms of CPTSD. I apologize for mistakes, since English is not my first language.
I was born by emergency c section, not breathing and many times in my life, I wished I didn't make it. I was witnessing domestic violence at home, also since I was 4, when my brother was born, I started to be a "wife" for my father, who also threatened me many times with my death, his suicide, whenever he thought that i didn't love him anymore. He was also an alcoholic. My mom had an idea what's going on but she tried to protect my brother and I was just left alone to deal with this horrible trauma. The only one person who tried to protect me, my father's dad, died when I was 5. I also was hungry often, I stole a donut from someone in grade 2, because at my house was nothing to eat.
My father left us when I was 8. My mother brought home a narcissistic boyfriend, alcoholic also. I was a lazy and worthless human being, in his opinion, and I never had done good enough job, no matter what.
I always was one of the best students in the class until I turned 18. I just stopped caring about anything. My mother sent me to live with he parents. I was interrogated by her father, so often, until I was telling the things, I had never done and he was recording everything, later threatening me with a jail. He was a retired police officer and had a good idea how to destroy the rest of my trust in people. He also sexually assaulted me and later intimidated, tried to kill me and himself , driving under the semi, with me on passenger seat. Later he said he was to afraid to die himself. So he brought me to his friend psychiatrist, who said that I was an alcoholic and I was prescribed some *.
I finally told my mom, because I wanted to come back home, but she slapped me in the face and called a liar. She also said that if I say anything, my grandma would have died and It would be my fault. I kept this secret until last month and my grandma did not die, only reassured me that a few important events, like me going for the trip alone with her husband, In the past as remembered, actually happened.
I was looking for a rescue to leave this sick family, when I was 20 and finishing my trade school, and he found me.
Sadistic narcissist, my ex husband. I had spent with him 11 years. After 8, we moved to another country, and one day I took kids, a garbage bag with their clothes and left. I suddenly woke up in world where my yesterday's friends were actually my ex husband's.  I am going to skip the 5 years of losing a custody, parental alienation, and fighting for staying in the foreign country for my children. Now my kids and I are together, but the cost of leaving my ex was horrendous for all of us. I am also married to a guy who I met few weeks, after I left my ex. He has also narcissistic traits but is not physically abusive. We have little one together. We have been going through therapy and I finally stopped reacting to his games. I started setting up boundaries and told him that, If he does not work honestly with his therapist and I don't see changes in his behavior, he is gone from our life. I don't want to be his perfect extension, neither don't need to put up with his peek-a-boo games, or pretend that everything is ok, when he reacts with anger to every weakness I show, or called paranoid or mental in front of my kids, I don't want to be cheated on and left alone, when I need him the most. I don't want to look like he wants me to or hear that I'm too skinny or fat *. I don't want to be guilt tripped whenever I need a break, that I don't want to spend time with him, but whenever he needs a break and leaves without a word, I have no right to ask anything, because I have an abandonment anxiety. I want to be healthy and happy mom, enjoying myself and my time with my children and relax on Saturdays evenings without my phone buzzing every 15 minutes.
I hope I will get there and find my peace.
Thank you for reading and Hello!
Rainbow.

[mourningdove]

Welcome, Rainbow.80! 

I relate to what you said about writing and then erasing. I do that often. I'm glad that you were able to introduce yourself!

You have really been through a lot, and I'm glad you are here. Congratulations on setting healthier boundaries with your husband. That is a real accomplishment. You deserve to be healthy and happy.

[Rainbow.80]

Thank you for your positive words:) 

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Rainbow.    Your board name conveys such a sense of hope which is amazing after all that you have been through and continue to live with so bravo to your courage, strength and perseverance.     And congratulations on setting healthier boundaries with your H, again that takes strength     

I too am glad you chose to post and introduce yourself.  Don't be surprised if you feel a little vulnerable, that's quite normal for many people.  Just take your time and post whenever and wherever you feel comfortable.  We didn't develop CPTSD overnight so taking our time in recovery makes sense. 

Here's to more happy, relaxing Saturdays evenings in your life! 

[Rainbow.80]

Thank you so much.