My shrink told me I'm sick I have a disease

[Danaus plexippus]

I've had other traumas before and after 9/11. I am currently enrolled in a 9/11 woman's survivor's therapy group. Earlier this week there was a brush fire in the meadowlands that filled the sky with thick black smoke obscuring the Manhattan skyline from end to end. It triggered me. I called my psychiatrist. He said it was normal for me to be triggered even though I'm compliant with my meds and attend group regularly. He said medication is not going to cure me. He said I will continue to be triggered. He said "What do you want from me, you're sick, you have a disease." I was shocked by this reply and knew not what to say. The morning after this revelation I started crying uncontrollably and calling out to my dead mother "I'm sick! I have a disease!" over and over again. I never thought of myself as diseased. Somehow PTSD doesn't sound as devastating or disabling as you're sick, you have a disease.

I saw my shrink yesterday for the last time before he goes on a two month vacation. When I told him how I broke down after what he told me, how weepy I'd been since then, how helpless and hopeless,  he emphatically denied having ever used the word disease in the entirety of his professional career. He went on about it for the length of our appointment, not leaving me space to express any other concern.

Is he gas lighting me, covering his @$$, trying to get me to believe I'm experiencing auditory hallucinations or just playing on my fears of decreased cognitive function? I was starting to make decisions, clean my apartment, care about my appearance, behave friendlier. Now I don't feel I'm worth the space I occupy. When he gets back from vacation should I give him another chance to stick me with metaphorical pins? For years I felt like a Guinea pig being switched from one med to the next. Now I feel more like a lab rat being pushed over the edge.

[89abc123]

Wow it sounds to me like he is being careless and clumsy. Psychiatric care is supposed to move you forward, not set you back.

Its hard choosing therapists, because on one hand you get sick of repeating your story and starting afresh until you find the right one, but on the other hand you don't want to stick with someone who is doing more harm than good for you in the long run.

I'm so sorry to hear you were part of 9/11. I can't imagine what you have been through. I'm glad you have found support groups, both in real life and here online.

I feel like the answer to your question is within you. Good luck!

[Danaus plexippus]

Thanks. For better or worse this is the doc I've gotten the most interaction out of. I asked him if he wanted to assign me to an alternate doctor. He said no, he finds me very interesting and enjoys working with me. I'm wondering if by that he means he finds me a source of amusement.

[mourningdove]

Hi Danaus,

I'm so sorry you have had to deal with someone like this doctor. Since you have asked for opinions, I will say, "No. I don't think you should give this guy another chance. I think you should get as far away from him and anyone like him as you can." I am saying this because just about everything you have shared about him strikes me as a red flag, and it seems that you are picking up on this, too.

First of all, calling you "sick" is offensive and inaccurate for anyone who suffers from trauma. I would include most bearers of psychiatric diagnoses, because there are no objective tests or measures for any so-called "mental illnesses," and therefore they can only be considered illnesses in a metaphorical sense. But even within psychiatry itself, it is usually acknowledged that people with problems that are clearly from trauma are not "diseased" in any way, and drugs aren't even necessarily recommended.

So he is wrong in telling you that you have a disease because you experience post-traumatic stress. So yeah, prescriptions are not going to cure you, because you don't have a disease - and because they are also not medicines in the traditional sense. Most psychiatric drugs are essentially tranquilizers, which some people find useful and some don't. (For me, they were dangerous.)

The fact that he seemingly had no empathy for you and talked for the remainder of your appointment is another really bad sign. The way he spoke to you then and when you called him for help were really inappropriate.

I have to admit that I feel really angry at this doctor for the way that he treated you, and I can only imagine how you must feel.

I hope you can find someone better, and would suggest looking for someone who says up front that they specialize in helping people who have suffer from trauma. Decent psych professionals are out there for sure, but there are also a lot of harmful ones, as I've learned from my own experiences. The problem here is him, not you.



p.s. I think you're right that the thing he said about finding you "interesting" is another red flag. You are not there for his amusement.

[89abc123]

Yeah I don't know if it's for his amusement as such but possibly sees you as a challenge?

Either way, he's putting his needs before yours and that is a sign of a bad doctor.

[Danaus plexippus]

Thanks everybody. My shrink will be on vacation for two months. This week my Group Therapy starts up again after a one month hiatus. I'm anticipating more than one of the members will be ready with "I told you so!"

Yesterday at group therapy I got a lot of support from the other members. I'm feeling better about myself and worse about this doctor. Our counselor ordered me to confront him. She knows I would rather avoid conflict. That's my modus operandi. The other members in group were furious at my shrink and privately out of our counselors company advised me to report him. He's the only doctor in over 15 years to get my meds just right. I need to know my medications will not be interrupted. I've been through discontinuation syndrome before going from one doctor to the next. It's from *.

[Danaus plexippus]

Dear Mourningdove,

I saw a new psychiatrist this week, she is keeping me on the same meds as my current absentee shrink had me on. So far I have only seen her twice, but I think we are a better fit than what's his name and I. 

[mourningdove]

That's great! I hope things work out better with her, Danaus.

[Kizzie]

    Hopes it goes better with the new T 

[Danaus plexippus]

I told my new psychiatrist I was experiencing difficulty with hand eye coordination, balance, cognitive functions and getting out of bed in the morning. She identified the meds most likely responsible, adjusted my dosages and I'm functioning better now. I still have such a long way to go, so many obstacles and things keep happening. Right now I feel like a crap magnet, but I'm going to try to find that "What are you grateful for" thread now. I'm not a teenager and this computer stuff is like a moving maze to me. 

[Kizzie]

That's great about your meds Danaus. 

Until you're more familiar with set-up, one quick way of finding something is to use the search function in the bar up top.

[Sienna]

Hey Danaus, I found your thread.

Im nöthing but sorry to hear about your experience with this dude.

what a harsh way to tell you that you may always be triggered. You do get better at dealing with it and with recognising it for what it is.

Even if you were sick and had a disease mentally speaking...what do you want from me?? what a silly question IMO. - you want him to help and support you!
If that was the be all and end all, that your sick and you have a disease, then whats the point in going to therapy?- thats what his comment would make me think.
But its not true.
PTSD makes us *sick* if you want to use the world sick- but most human beings if not all- would react that way (with PTSD)- a very normal way..to abnormal circumstances.
They are saying that it should be called Post traumatic stress RESPONSE instead of disorder.
Sure, it may make use react in disordered or unhelpful ways as we may no longer be under threat- but people can freak out if they think they have a disorder, and with help and therapy, you can learn to manage the flashbacks more effectively.
So yes, i know what your saying.
Im sorry you were in so much pain, and I'm sorry if you miss your mother.

It does seem like he is gas slighting you yes, if you are sure he said what he said, and then he denied ever saying it. It could be that he forgot...but if he forgot...in clinical practise- that is not good enough when saying something as serious as what he said to you.

Im not sure if him going on about it for the rest of the appointment- and taking up your time???-
is a red flag. He may be covering up his guilt by turing to explain himself or not give you chance to say anything more.
If it is your time to talk in that appointment- then it is wrong if he is taking up all the talking space and using that on him self - no matter what reasons or games he is playing.

Im so sorry that what he said caused you to plummet down into a bit of a hole it sounds like...im sorry you feel no good about yourself.
Maybe you could use this to learn more about your past...if yo want to,,and i hope you are feeling better now.

[Danaus plexippus]

Thanks Sienna, I'm feeling emotionally better, but I'm struggling with excruciating fatigue. Was it you who coined the phrase Velcro butt? Lately my whole body feels like it's velcroed to the bed. Important things are not getting done. I'm finding it harder to ignore how far I'm falling behind in things I actually desire to accomplish as I feel less and less physically able. I plan to attend group therapy this Wednesday. Depending on the trains it can take two and a half hours just to get to Belleview. That really tires me and the whole experience of going through the WTC and going down into the subways takes even more out of me. I used to show up for group every week. I hate this fatigue. I'm going to look for a fatigue forum. If we do not already have one, maybe I'll work up the energy to start one. 

[Sienna]

Hey Danaus,

Im glad you are feeling emotionally better.
It sounds like you may be suffering from Adrenal Fatigue.
theres lots on google and youtube about it if you are interested in looking it up.

Lots of us with trauma end up with physical symptoms too, and is caused by stuffing the emotions that the trauma causes you, and by having too much adrenalin (hormone called Cortisol) pumping round your blood stream, way too much.
The body gets used to producing too much of this hormone, because in the past, the need to produce this fight or flight hormone might have been often, frequent, and it wears the body down. It can really damage the body.
And there are also different stages of Adrenal fatigue-
heres a link if you would like to read about it.
You can also zap back and forth in a *bipolar* fashion - between over producing Cortisol, and Adrenal *fatigue* (exhaustion)- and the exhaustion comes when the body can no longer produce enough Cortisol.
We need Cortisol to get us going in the morning- a normal amount though.
The body just wears out when the body produces too much Cortisol.
Link: http://adrenalfatiguesolution.com/stages-of-adrenal-fatigue/

You can get tests- but aprently normal doctors in conventional medicine dont recognise this as an actual thing, so maybe going to a health / averdic doctor would be better.
I need to do this.

Oh, no, it wasnt me who coined that phraise- but it describes accurately what you say you are struggling with and what i regularly struggle with.

Are you having trouble getting up in the mornings?
Can you get off to sleep early in the night? Do you frequently wake- or not sleep deeply enough- so that, with out being aware of not sleeping deeply enough- you are tired in the morning and need more sleep, not feeling fully rested?

I understand very much what you are staying. Sounds like your body is very fatigued.
Do you ever take time off? Or have a day or a week just to yourself?
My T encourages me to do this when things get too much and i start feeling tired again.
Its like..you just crash, and theres nothing you can do about it, because that is what your body needs to do.

It sounds like a lot- getting the train and travelling and for two and a half hours.
It is hard to do things and everything is tiring when your body is so tired.
It might be that the body is reflecting your emotional state, even if you are not aware that you are emotionally tired.
Some times, i feel so exhausted physically, that i fee weak when I'm standing, so i need to sit down, and sometimes, its hard to get off the couch to do anything. Its al so much effort.
Its as thought the body has the flue or something thought you know it doesnt...its like the body is in pain.

If you go, i do hope the group therapy goes well and that you will be able to rest afterwards.

I think that you should go for tests- if thats what you want.
I do think that there is info on fatigue and fatigue conditions in the *Health Related Issues* section and maybe in the *Other symptoms of CPTSD* section on the bored,
and both of those sections- are in the big category called - *Symptoms of CPTSD*

I hope this info wasnt too overwhelming.
I am exhausted too at the moment but the adrenalin happening is still too high, so I'm even waking up early and not oversleeping, which is unusual for me...but I'm exhausted whilst my body is still over producing cortisol so frequently.
I think that in time, I will crash big time, so bascially- i relate to what you are saying very much.
I hope you can honour what your body is telling you it wants, and that you can rest and take it easy.

(Hope this wasnt too much information- sorry if it was)

[Danaus plexippus]

Thanks, I love research. I can do it on my Velcro butt. Yes I have a sleep disorder. Usually the meds I take for PTSD help me get to sleep, but sometimes I just lay there staring at the ceiling too tired to get up and do anything.