letter writing - personal cleansing or obsessive c-ptsd behavior?

[sanmagic7]

i have just come off a 3-month emotional crisis that was triggered by the anniversary of a highly abusive situation (perpetrated by both my daughter and my ex - her dad) which ended with me cutting contact with both of them.  hers was very straight up - don't contact me until you want to have a respectful, caring, adult relationship with me.  his was a bit more wishy-washy.  i responded to an email of his last oct., but never really told him i wanted no contact.  now, i have blocked his emails, and feel compelled to tell him this (courtesy), but i also want to tell him that he owes me apologies for what went on during our 30 yr. relationship, and listed what i want apologies for.  he's been very good at 'apologizing' in the past, but they always took the form of 'i'm sorry you feel like that'  when i would tell him that an action of his hurt me, etc.  in this current email, i told him that i deserve apologies that show that he owns his behaviors, admits they were wrong, and is able to give me a heartfelt apology for each.  i don't expect anything will come of it, but it felt good to write it down.  my question is:  is this just another way of staying connected?   is this a therapeutic cleansing for me regardless of what he does with it? (i will be talking to my therapist about this as well, but i thought maybe someone had gone thru something similar) is this just part of the obsessive c-ptsd dynamic?  (my therapist doesn't know much about c-ptsd, but in this small town, she's all that's available).  since this latest crisis has passed, i feel stronger and wanting to take back control of my life.  i don't know if writing this to him is me finally being able to tell him like it is (which i've never been able to do before) and putting the crap that has been inside me back where it belongs, or if it is just one more manifestation of negative  c-ptsd behavior.  any and all opinions welcome.  i'm working really hard on getting and digesting feedback instead of just pressing the 'send' button.  it's like i want him to know that i finally know what he's done, and that i deserve amends.   color me confused.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi sanmagic7 

To answer your question from the title: To me it sounds like personal cleansing. Which is a healthy thing for processing abuse. It doesn't sound obsessive to me.

my question is:  is this just another way of staying connected?   is this a therapeutic cleansing for me regardless of what he does with it?

I'd say it is connecting with you. Connecting with your hurt, the abuse you endured, (re)connecting with all you weren't allowed to be connected with in your relationship with him. Which is healthy, I think.

he's been very good at 'apologizing' in the past, but they always took the form of 'i'm sorry you feel like that'  when i would tell him that an action of his hurt me, etc.  in this current email, i told him that i deserve apologies that show that he owns his behaviors, admits they were wrong, and is able to give me a heartfelt apology for each.  i don't expect anything will come of it, but it felt good to write it down.

He'll respond to your letter the way he has always done, and the apologies will be the same as ever before. Fake apologies, a.k.a. fauxpologies.

i'm working really hard on getting and digesting feedback instead of just pressing the 'send' button.  it's like i want him to know that i finally know what he's done, and that i deserve amends.   color me confused.

Yes, you deserve amends. Unfortunately, he's not going to make any. Not if he is anything like my abusive 'mom' and 'sis'. You've known him for 30 years, and know what he's like. He's going to stay like that for another 30 years.
Keep the letter, and reread it every time you want him to make amends.
Or post it in our Letters of recovery section.
Or throw it away when you're done with it, or destroy it.

And yeah, please do bring it to your T a read it out to him/her. (S)he will probably have a much more understanding and validating response than your ex will ever give.

  for writing it all out. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, dutch uncle,

i truly appreciate your feedback.  altho i know that i won't get amends, and i don't expect any, i still feel like sending it.  again, i got quite specific with what i felt/believed/knew he did to me in the relationship, and, even if it doesn't sink into his skull at all, i'm still wanting him to know that i know.  this has been hidden, subtle, under-the-table abuse, so to speak, and it feels like bringing it into the open is therapeutic for me.  but, that's the part i'm confused about.  altho it would feel therapeutic to me, is it really that, or just wanting to hold the mirror up to his face, finally!  not that i believe for a minute that he'd acknowledge most of it, he's very good at lying to himself as well as others, and very good at denying and defending his behaviors.  he had a female therapist of his, who worked with him for a year and a half, absolutely appalled when he told her that he'd been called a misogynist.  when he told me this, he also added that 'i'm a very good liar.'  so, it's like i'd actually be the one to tell him the truth about himself.  is that my job?  maybe not, but i've covered for him all these years, and it would feel so good to just be open about it.  any thoughts?