Why do I feel anxious seeing a therapist?

snailspace · April 16, 2016, 11:07:58 AM

I have been to see 3 therapists now and become increasingly anxious as time goes on as the relationship develops - which runs counter to what I have understood about therapy. Is this something that others experience? It gets to the stage where I find it very difficult to function with everyday life. I haven't gone with burning issues although these do arise from time to time when I have EF's, but more to do with a general understanding of my past, starting in late 2012 when my mother was dying and my refusal to see her before she passed away in 2013. So I have been in a relatively calm place before seeing the T, able to describe my situation quite rationally but the pattern seems to be that after a few sessions with the new T the anxiety starts.

the first I saw a few years ago I didn't know what to expect, she was a Rogerian style T, a kindly lady but I felt I lacked a structure and purpose and was aimlessly waffling on. One thing she did say to me was that she wasn't going to "become my mother" and pressurise me. If only I had heeded her advice, but I left after 8 weeks and her reply was "You don't know what you want"

With number 2 I stayed for a year and she was the opposite - it felt reassuring for a while to be told what my problems were but she completely took over and retraumatised me. Unfortunately I had unconsciously chosen a person like my mother, this is why I stuck with her for so long. I became a bag of nerves, suffered with many cptsd symptoms, and it took me about a year to recover and get back to a relatively even keel.
9 months later, last summer, I visited another T who I liked immediately, who is a "relational" type and understands about cptsd. I needed help understanding what had happened with the previous T and whether I had grounds to complain to the governing body. I found her very good, but after 5 sessions the most terrible anxiety overcame me afterwards and I couldn't continue. I recognise this is to do with my "freeze/fawn stance" - she gave me a sympathetic look whilst I was describing the previous T's approach and I couldn't react/had to hold it in until I got outside and then burst into tears (which I hadn't done at all over the previous T until then)

I would like to visit the 3rd T again as underlying issues in my relationship with my husband have resurfaced and I feel as if I need to understand what's going on. I am better informed as to what I want and need and she seems to fit the bill, but I balk at going back to her if I'm going to become so anxious again where I cannot function. Or is that me worrying about something which I cannot predict for sure especially as I have now become aware of the pattern?!

Just to mention that from my reading my self diagnosis is avoidant attached which makes it difficult for me, going back to my past and my understanding is that my N mother needed me not to need her, so as the "invisible child" I never bonded with her at all. My mother also trained and practised as a therapist in her later years so I'm aware that there are problems there.

Thank you

Dutch Uncle · April 16, 2016, 11:41:19 AM

Quote from: snailspace on April 16, 2016, 11:07:58 AM
Just to mention that from my reading my self diagnosis is avoidant attached which makes it difficult for me, going back to my past and my understanding is that my N mother needed me not to need her, so as the "invisible child" I never bonded with her at all. My mother also trained and practised as a therapist in her later years so I'm aware that there are problems there.

Hi snailpace

I have very limited experiences with T's, and non-existent as far as working trough trauma is concerned. So on most what you posted I know nothing.
The bolded part does resonate strongly with me: I call her my TherapistMom. It's beginning to dawn on me more and more I have been in therapy with my mom since childhood. That's roughly 40 years of involuntarily therapy. Good Grief.
I am thus very reluctant to going to see a T (apart from financial restraints) but my aim is that if and when I go (and I will have to at some point, I can't keep on going analyzing and working through things 'on my own', even with the help of so many others here in the community) that I will tackle the whole "my abuser is a therapist, and therapy has been used to abuse me" first and foremost. I can imagine it might be tough for a therapist to have to hear a client 'vilifying' therapists, but perhaps a good therapist can imagine it must even be harder for you, or me, to have to spill the beans on malpracticing therapists to a therapist.

Perhaps you could ask the 3rd therapist if she has experience in these matters and/or feels up to you speaking out about something that probably is quite near and dear to her: her profession. Or if she knows someone who does? When I was diagnosed by a team of psychologists I for the first time in my life spoke out my suspicion that a lot of my struggle had to do with TherapistMom, I did get some validation by my primary contact in the team who said: "There are more people who have been affected by TherapistParents." So apparently the phenomena is known in therapist-land.
I was sort of left stranded by the 'team', as they could not give me any formal diagnosis that would be covered by my insurance, and I doubt that Post-Traumatic Therapist Disorder will hit the DSM-VI anytime soon. ( bit of gallows humor there )

NB: I self-identify with the 'label' "Invisible Child" as well. That has been my main coping mechanism, and yes I am more avoidant than is healthy outside my FOO as well.

and all the best wishes to you.

snailspace · April 16, 2016, 12:57:54 PM

Many thanks Dutch Uncle for your kind wishes and reply and for the gallows humour which did make me laugh!

It took me a good 6 months to figure out what exactly had happened with therapist 2 whereupon I contacted the governing body and was advised that I had 3 years in which to lodge a complaint and was matter of factly advised to consult a therapist for support. You can imagine my reply! But as time went on I knew I had to get some answers and T3 was totally professional, didn't react defensively and asked permission to consult her colleagues as she had never dealt with this particular problem before. We drew up a list of contrast and compare the likenesses between mother and therapist and guess what there was overriding similarity (and interestingly more people were added to the list!) She approached it from the point of view of breach of contract, basically I went to see T2 to get better not worse, and that this was not about me projecting onto T2. It seemed likely that I did have good grounds to lodge a complaint but how to prove it, before I could decide one way or the other I left her services. Overall I have dropped this now as I think it would be too traumatic for me to pursue anything, it would be a case of my word against hers in the end and what would be the outcome? From what she said about other clients I do suspect that she upset a lot of them in a similar way to me (that in itself is unprofessional)

Ironically T2 accepted that my mother as T was fundamentalist and dangerous and then went onto treat me in a similar way. Weird.

Oh poor you, 40 years of involuntary theraping from mom is a long time and I feel for you, it means it becomes very difficult, the method which could help becomes the method which, if not careful, could potentially damage. Seems like there's an awful lot of mud to wade through before even stepping onto the starting line. I'm glad you were validated by the primary care team though, even though you weren't given a formal diagnosis to work on.

Pete Walker talks about needing a T versed in relational type therapy and I did notice a difference in T3's approach as she wanted continual feedback with me which was good, instead of saving the best bit - the countertransference - til last. The relational style apparently puts the theraputic working relationship at the heart of the therapy and echoes Pete Walker's view (hope I got this right) that cptsd is to do with healthy attachment, or lack of it. Hence my difficulties.

Thanks again.

snailspace · April 17, 2016, 03:18:36 PM

Just wondering Dutch Uncle and to any others who can identify themselves brought up in the "Lost/invisible child" role, if undergoing therapy becomes more anxiety provoking then with the other roles? I appreciate that it's hellishly difficult for all of us, but is there something about "being seen" which is particularly threatening to that "self" we were conditioned into perhaps?

Danaus plexippus · May 20, 2016, 12:39:12 PM

Your post reminded me I had a whopper of an anxiety attack on the way to see the shrink I described in my post "My shrink told me I'm sick I have a disease." Thanks for the heads up. That should have raised a GIANT RED FLAG. One of the other ladies in my group therapy filed a complaint against him and got transferred to another doctor. I wasn't thinking of making a formal complaint against him as he is the only doctor in the 15 years since 9/11 that ever fine-tuned my meds just right. I credit him for that. A former T of mine told us "Don't keep going back to a hardware store for milk" meaning not everyone can or will give us what we need or want. When you find out someone is a hardware store, stop going to them for milk. So I guess the shrink I described is a drug store and maybe I'm a whoopee cushion factory. If you'd ever been prescribed Sertraline, you will know what I mean by that. ;-P = = =

sanmagic7 · May 21, 2016, 12:35:54 AM

i, myself, am a therapist, so this may seem ironic on some level, but in my mind, any therapist who's any good puts the well-being of the client first, no matter what the subject matter, including other therapists! i have had a similar experience in my past, was able to talk to a counselor about a therapist i had recently 'broken up' with after 8 years - it was an extremely incestual therapeutic relationship - and she was able to validate my feelings for me, which really felt good, even told me that she'd heard the same kinds of things from other former clients of that therapist. i left that session relieved.

as to the idea of anxiety with a therapist, it could very well be the idea of 'being seen', which i would imagine to be very scary. from what you wrote, your reaction upon leaving the therapist's office, crying, but holding it back until you were done with the session, could be a topic to explore in another session. if you are believing that therapist #3 is a good fit, that could also be scary. you haven't had many 'good' fits, and this would be something new; again, scary. that fear is the anxiety you're feeling.

as an adjunct, i did eventually report that therapist to the state board authority. unfortunately, the rules for a therapist having multiple roles in a client's life (we were best friends at the same time she was doing therapy with both me and my husband, singly and as a couple, and i worked for her for several years - major ethical breaches) hadn't been formalized until 2 years after my experience, so there was no action that could be taken. however, they did write me that she was, indeed, in the wrong, and, again, i felt validated. that is such a terrific feeling, even though she continued to practice. last i heard, though, was that she had moved back to her home country. i don't know if she is still doing therapy, but i like to think that my reporting of her may have had some influence on her leaving. and, good riddance!

so, i believe reporting unethical therapists is important, but also that you do it when you're ready. it took me 8 years to work through the anxiety, anger, fear, depression, etc., to the point where i was strong enough to do so. i understand you have a time limit of 3 years. i completely support you, and hopefully, through this group and other resources, you are able to find what you need to be able to act within that time frame. best to you!

snailspace · May 24, 2016, 10:07:32 PM

Thank you Danaus and Sanmagic

In all honesty I have given up the idea of reporting T2 who I saw for a year (I recognised her in Pete Walkers book) as I really think it would be traumatising to relive the whole experience with no real chance of a resolution. Thanks to T3 I have kind of understood and accepted why I tolerated T2, even though I only went to T3 for 5 sessions but it seemed enough before the anxiety started. It felt like fear Sanmagic so thanks for validating and confirming this. This is helpful to hear from someone else! Perhaps I would have carried on with T3 but I had additional concerns which I haven't mentioned, not really knowing if they are something to worry about, or if it's just me being picky! I wonder if these concerns may have also fed into the anxiety.

Being very wary now that I have made some bad choices in the past I did listen to myself and this concern with T3 centres around the state of her place as she was offering therapy at home as part of a business. Of course it's completely up to her how she lives but the place she lives in is shabby and unkempt - her therapy room is nice as one would hope but she had left notes strewn across the floor one time and a glass of water half drunk from the previous client I can only assume plus some used tissues. Maybe that was a one off, she described herself once as "scatty". The bird feeder outside the window was a pleasant distraction and I had never seen a baby woodpecker before. There's a lot more such as rusty old cars in her garden alongside the drive way, massive potholes also and I was concerned about the underside of my car driving into the place specially as we had just spent a large sum of money welding the underside due to rust! That may be down to her husband though, or out of her control. She does mention if there are any concerns about 'elf and safety on her contract form. My husband thinks I should mention my concerns as it might affect my relationship with her....what? me? no way! What right have I got to criticise the way she lives and operates her business. He says it's not about that but my concerns! It's a shame. If she seemed more careful and professional all round then I think I may have returned. Is this something I need to consider do you think? Does this have any impact on her treatment and my ability to feel relaxed and confident and ultimately trust her? Although what I have experienced with her so far is good and I like the style of therapy she offers. I would appreciate your opinions on this, don't really know how to guage this. Have asked a few people and the reply is "Well does it bother you?" Well it does only in relation to her possible lack of self awareness about access to her home bearing in mind she is running her business there. So I'm not sure how to progress and have left things to drift. I do like her, she comes across as a genuinely nice person and is receptive and careful about her approach to me, very different to T2, who incidentally had a sparkling office environment but lacked the skills to deal with trauma as mentioned before. So I know it's not only about environment.
Thanks for your support. I'm sorry that you had to go through something similar regarding reporting a therapist. 8 years is a long time to work through the damage done, I feel for you and can only applaud you for taking that step. Even if the therapist still practises at least you know you did the right thing for for yourself and it must have been satisfying to feel validated and to get the outcome you did.

sanmagic7 · May 27, 2016, 03:23:36 PM

i think the bottom line is if you feel safe. if you don't feel safe, emotionally or physically, for any reason, it's going to be difficult to trust. and, without trust there is little chance of having a successful therapeutic relationship. the choice, of course, is ultimately yours. you are the only one who knows what 'safe' means to you, or if you even want to make that a consideration. for some people, unsafe has been a way of life for so long that they can't really differentiate, and don't really know unless someone outside of themselves points it out.

leaving notes on the floor? what about confidentiality? and, not cleaning up after a client before the next client comes in? i'd be questioning her professionalism, too. concerns about the safety of your car? well, that's a real thing as well. but, that's up to you as to how much of a concern it is for you. sometimes a therapist can be a diamond in the rough, so to speak. if you're getting excellent treatment, maybe some of the other things aren't that big of a deal in the big picture. but, it seems like you've already made the decision based on your concerns. picky? can we ever be too picky when it comes to our self-worth or mental health and well-being?

thanks for your support. finding a good fit with a therapist is experimental at best, hit and miss at times. in the end, you are the only one who knows what fits for you. too many 'miss-fits' with a therapist can, i do believe, color the relationship, and ultimately the treatment you receive. anxiety, mistrust, concern, and any other misgivings, can only get in the way of the therapeutic relationship, which, in turn, overshadows the amount and quality of the progress you are going to make. my thoughts only, of course.

snailspace · May 27, 2016, 08:26:03 PM

Oh my goodness thank you so much, I felt like crying receiving your kind and helpful reply Sanmagic!

I have no idea about feeling safe, so many things have never occurred to me. I have been asked to think of a safe place by the last 2 T's and I thought of the beach where I can scan widely and see anyone approaching from a distance unless someone is in the sand hills behind! In total I have done 18 months therapy but never really covered this topic in full. I don't really know where to begin with that one. Physically, I can only assume and hope that no one will barge in whilst in session. Emotionally, well I have never really thought about that properly but thank you for raising this. T2 (the one who retraumatised me) told me the breath was my place of safety, problem was she was unsafe to be around.

yes about the notes, I couldn't see the writing upside down but even if they weren't notes she shouldn't have left any papers lying around like that. I agree it doesn't instill confidence. Thank you so much, I have been agonising about whether I should return to T3 for a year now. She had everything going for her in terms of her therapy style. But now you have pointed out the feeling safe issue it has hit me as I write to you that all this doesn't feel very safe for me!

At some point I guessed that the access trouble plus all the other concerns might raise their head after all it's not something I can ignore especially if repeated (I was getting more and more exasperated about the potholed driveway, especially as she could have strimmed the vast amount of vegetation between the wheels as I was driving up which was definitely scraping the underside of the car!) I'm not sure what fits for me as I have not encountered that yet, but thank you for helping me work out what doesn't, I realise that now at least. As you can see I have completely lost trust in my own judgement.

Best wishes to you for your own recovery and I hope you find a good fit in a therapist yourself.

sanmagic7 · May 28, 2016, 03:37:21 PM

sometimes, we need to walk into the back door for easier access to where we want to be. the idea of feeling safe is fundamental to us, second only to shelter, food, air, and water as a basic need. if you have felt unsafe most of your life, it doesn't seem odd to me that you wouldn't recognize safety issues. how can one recognize something that hasn't been known or addressed? i'd hazard a guess that your instincts are alive and well, but have been buried under abuse, manipulation, expectations, and the like. i believe that as you continue your self-exploration, you'll eventually find them and be able to trust them again. we all trusted our instincts as babies, because we knew exactly what we needed to survive and thrive. they never leave us, just become hidden over time. but, they're there, and always will be. and as we get to know our true selves better, we find those instincts simply waiting for us to discover them again. i believe you'll get there.

as far as a safe place goes, i have a friend who wrestled with this concept as well. one day she thought of a road trip she and i took in a van for 2 weeks, drove to the west coast, down to mexico, and back. needless to say, it was one of the best times of our lives, but it took on an even deeper meaning for her. it was in that van while we were on the open road that she felt joy, happiness, and a sense of freedom for the first time in her life (she was nearly 40). as the thought of that trip in that van enveloped her that day, she knew then that her safe place was in that van, because she knew that whatever might happen on the road, we would deal with it. it was quite the revelation for her. from then on, when she needed to think of a safe place, she thought of the van. so, safe place can mean anything to anyone. you'll find yours.

i love the idea of snailspace. that's exactly what it feels like at times. i'm glad something of what i wrote helped you encounter a realization. back doors are just as valid as front doors (meaning, sometimes we don't get the understanding we want when he go at something head on, but even if we get it by going in at an angle or from a different direction, it's still an understanding, and that's what counts). keep taking care of you. you are precious and important.

by the by, the therapist i have now is young and green, but she's been helpful, and with this forum and my own proactive work on various issues, i feel like i'm making progrss. thanks. best to you, too.

snailspace · May 29, 2016, 01:58:14 PM

Many thanks sanmagic, your pointing out the necessity of feeling safe has been extremely helpful and opened my eyes to more:
As I was coming to the end of the 4th session and reaching for my purse to pay her, a strange man appeared at the window of the therapy room knocking loudly which made me jump out of my seat as you can imagine! T apologised and rushed out, I followed and got into my car feeling embaressed but relieved that he had not arrived earlier. T emailed me later and apologised that he had "arrived early" to pick up some goslings which she had been breeding in the derelict caravan (good recycling!) I dismissed this and didn't think any more of it. It was the following session (5th and final) when upon entering the room I noticed the papers strewn across the floor, plus glass, tissues and the cushion of the clients armchair half hanging off which I then had to push back in order to sit down. Like the scene of a crime: who had been there before....or was it my debris from the session the previous week? (Although I couldn't recall using that particular glass) Had someone been disturbed and rushed out? In any case she had not gone back to tidy up. My brain might have unconsciously registered the chap's untimely interruption and the scene of disarray before me and put 2 and 2 together and prevented me from really opening up emotionally in the 5th session. So I conclude that the anxiety may have been protecting me because deep down I didn't feel safe....with good reason it would seem. This last year I have been feeling quite inadequate that I haven't been able to "do" therapy and tending to blame myself. Looking back though through the lense of feeling safe it's quite understandable that I didn't and T had done little to assure me that I was safe by her rather careless approach. So this has been quite a revelation to me, that the anxiety I was showing was something to take note of, beneficial and protecting me even, rather than something to fight against! Wow! Makes sense now! Thank you!

sanmagic7 · May 29, 2016, 04:21:33 PM

you're quite welcome. i would've jumped, too, if a man appeared at the window during one of my sessions. holy crap!

so glad you got together with your anxiety in a beneficial way! yay!!! gotta love that brain and body wisdom!

Danaus plexippus · June 02, 2016, 03:32:10 PM

Well, my anxiety is building again. My T called last night to let me know I had been re-reassigned to a new doctor, one I have not met. I had so hoped to get Dr. W. It appears there's a waiting list for Dr. W. She performed my initial interview and one emergency consultation when my former shrink went away for his two month vacation without making any arrangements for my continued access to medication. The first meeting with the new shrink will be formal, no need to go deep. I'll update him on the efficacy and side effects of my current meds and see where it goes from there. Trying hard to think good thoughts. As an emotional burn victim, I have a tendency to take every little thing personal and I am prone to catastrophizing and histrionics. I'm hesitating to make that first appointment with new doc. Trying hard not to practice mindreading, but got the distinct impression T was not happy about my requesting a transfer from former shrink. Most of the others in our group therapy think he's just peaches. As I mentioned in my earlier post, at least one of the other ladies in our group agrees with me that he is more like the pits. I'll be off-line for the next few days, will report back again sometime next week.

sanmagic7 · June 06, 2016, 12:46:44 PM

i think it's always important to remember that just because one therapist/shrink fits for others, doesn't mean s/he will fit for you. as long as you can remember that, it doesn't matter what your therapist might think. and, if that is a true issue for you, you can always bring it up in your next session, talk about it, explore it, and, hopefully, you'll get some resolution.

why are you hesitating about making the appt. w/ the new shrink? cuz it wasn't the one you were hoping for? or because it's someone new in a general way? as you said, the first appt. is usually not very deep, mostly a getting-to-know-you kind of session, and, exactly as you said, how you're doing, how your meds are working.

i think you're doing well to stay away from the mind-reading as much as possible. i have a tendency to run entire make-believe conversations in my head when i'm anxious, and almost always discover that anything that was in my head never came out in the reality of what i had been projecting. it was my way of protecting myself (i thought!), trying to be prepared so that i felt like i had some control over the situation. what i know now is that whatever comes up, i'll be able to deal with it. that has helped put my anxiety to rest on many occasions. i would guess that you'll be able to deal with whatever you need to deal with as well. it may not always be clean and clear - sometimes it can be quite messy - but we deal with what comes along and get to the other side eventually.

making these kinds of changes can be challenging. i think you're doing a good job. when you're ready, you'll make the appt. and take it from there. best to you on this! i hope the new shrink is helpful and kind and professional.

Danaus plexippus · June 06, 2016, 02:11:50 PM

Thanks. Yes, it's both: fear of the unknown and not getting what I want. Sounds rather childish worded like that. Why don't I just snap out of it and grow up? I care what my T thinks because she confers with the shrink, which affects the contingency of my continued participation and medication. Also I have an aversion to phones and I avoid conflict like the plague. I tried to make the appointment over the phone, got an answering machine and so far no call back. I'll go in for group Wednesday and make the appointment in person. I'm feeling a lot less anxious now after a physically active weekend. I'll push myself to go out for a walk on my lunch breaks and hopefully sleep well the next couple of nights. That's always helpful.