Newbie introduction

[habitude]

The diagnosis of CPTSD has resonated with me for some time, and is the most accurate of all the diagnoses I've received. I don't know if that's my 'official' diagnosis, but that doesn't matter - I'm in the US and since C-PTSD isn't in the DSM no therapist/dr could use it in an official capacity.

Ok, about me. This is hard: sharing this kind of information with strangers is really scary.
Possible trigger warning
I grew up in a family with two NPD parents (M with GAD as well, F with PTSD - neither diagnosed since they both believe they're normal), and was the good child, and the eldest. My sister was thrown out of home at 15 when she snuck out while grounded - and my F hasn't spoken to her since; she is likely BPD and so we have a very fractured relationship. In my FOO there was a lot of cutting people out and silent treatment. I don't remember a lot of the time before/after my sister was thrown out of home. I finally moved out during university when my parents were arguing and turned the heat off and kept food in the boot of their respective cars (meaning I had to go to one or the other when I was hungry) - it was no longer possible for me to believe that it was all normal at home. I struggled for years with guilt and shame, and periods of dissociation as well as depression. It's only in the last couple of years working with a great therapist who specializes in trauma that I've gotten support that my feelings are valid and important. After moving out of home I searched for therapists to support me and ended up with whichever one seemed kind and maternal, regardless of whether what they diagnosed made sense. There's a lot of well-meaning but unskilled professionals out there, and one pushed me to reconnect with my family and ignore their behaviors, another told me I was an alcoholic and had to make amends to my family, and a third focused on eating disorder treatment.

I've always presented well and have built a career which brought me to the US, but all of the therapists' (well meaning) misguidance meant that I didn't navigate inter-personal relationships well: too needy, clingy, or not communicating what I needed and not setting boundaries. This led to a lot of rejection and abandonment and a sense that I can either pretend everything is fine and be the fun one - and not really connect with anyone - or try to connect authentically and be rejected. So for the past year or so I've stopped trying to have relationships of any sort outside of work, and spend my nights and weekends alone.

I know that I could start friendships/romantic relationships relatively easily, but sustaining them feels impossible. And there's been so many failed attempts to sustain and so much rejection that even though I'm very lonely and would love a family, I can't muster up the courage to try reaching out again.

So that's me. Thanks for reading and not judging - and I hope I haven't broken any protocols or norms.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi habitude 

Welcome to Out of the Storm. Quite a history you have had, growing up in such a dysfunctional home. I can relate to the "cutting out of people and silent treatment". Even though I have only become aware of it recently. When I started to assert boundaries, and let boundary violations actually have consequences for the relationship (something completely new at age 45) I have experienced that I got "cut out". Only now I see how much "cutting out" has been the mainstay of the Family-dynamic. Followed by Hoovers, to be followed by cutting out again, rinse and repeat.

At OOTS, we welcome people who are dealing with cPTSD through a variety of life's events that befell us.
In the cPTSD Glossary you may find a lot that may resonate with your experiences. A few highlights to start your journey with:
On cPTSD
On Boundaries

So that's me. Thanks for reading and not judging - and I hope I haven't broken any protocols or norms.

No, you can rest assured. 

Reading our Guidelines for All Members and Guests might be helpful to you, and may relief some anxiety for "breaking norms".

Welcome again, I hope and wish this place and community will give you comfort and be of aid on your journey through cPTSD,

Dutch Uncle.

[habitude]

Thanks for the welcome and the information, Dutch Uncle.

I wasn't able to keep any boundaries when I first started trying to separate. Years later I moved to another country (the US) and that really helped. Of course, it wasn't perfect and there are ways around everything but it gave me mental space as much as anything to focus on my growth and recovery.

I wish you the best with your situation.