Stress makes me get stuck in bad thoughts

[Bimsy]

Hi people!
Long time no see

I just wanted to check in and get some feelings of my chest as think I am pretty susceptible to stress right now.
It seems like I just take everything in and start to worry and feel bad when nothing bad really happens.
There's been an active weekend at work now, I work alone at night at a small hotel and people have been coming and going at all hours.
Some of them are kind of creepy and I have to refuse them, there's only me and a glass door that I can lock and open as I please and a small alarm button which sends the police to my hotel within half an hour.

Usually the creepy people are drunk or high and act strange because of it, no one has done anything really bad but I can get so worried anyway.
Raised heartbeat and shaky hands... sometimes they notice and apologize for scaring me, I hate that because it makes me feel even more vulnerable.
Afterwards I get bad fantasies about what would happen if they went crazy and started chasing me or something, really intrusive thoughts that makes me draw a deep breath or cough in order to snap myself out of them.
Sometimes I speak out loud to interrupt the things going on in my head, physical stuff like that helps keeping me grounded but it's hard when these fantasies and fears take up so much of my energy and keep coming back over and over again.

Sometimes I don't know if it's the fantasies that comes first or if I imagine these kinds of things because I need it in order to express to myself how I truly feel inside.

I just woke up because I was kicking in my sleep, all I wanted to do was to go to sleep again but then the nightmares came back.
Right now I feel calm because it was all a dream though.. the real world is closing in and giving me comfort by staying the same and being predictable.
I really appreciate life at times like these.

[cosmo79]

Hi Bimsy,

I just wanted to say that I can really relate to feeling susceptible to stress at work, and being comforted by the predictability of regular, adult life.  It's really hard to deal with creepy people, and it sounds like you're doing well with it!

In my family, we were punished or shamed for showing fear, and if you had a similar family, it can help to remember that it's okay to feel afraid, and to comfort yourself when that happens.

All best!

[Indigochild]

Hey Bimsy,
Im really glad that you checked in and wrote about it.
It does feel good i find, to get things off your chest.

Firstly, I want to say, that I do hope you feel safe now that you have woken from your nightmares, and if you are alone, we are here with you.

It sounds very difficult and anxiety provoking, the situation in your job you describe.
Drunk people and maybe high people, are unpredictable, or lack boundaries, and that can feel intimidating. I find it intimidating, and i also know, that i find it difficult to say, please can you step back out of my space, or, I'm uncomfortable with your behaviour right now...etc etc.
I find it hard basically to state healthy boundaries for myself in thoes situations.
Maybe a lot of it relates to abuse and fearing others being un predictable, taking advantage, being inappropriate, not respecting your boundaries, fearing saying no because you fear their reaction and that maybe your reaction is *out of preportion for the situation*.
These are just my thoughts on why this might be so stressful.

I do think that it is a protection mechanism that is happening for you, with your mind trying to predict in the form of imagining what might happen. I dont know if this is the same as catastrophizing. (That is such a hard word to spell!)

Do you find that your cortisol and adrenalin levels are higher when you need to keep busy, such as working on the weekends?
Because this might be another reason why your anxiety is high at night time. Anxiety can be high and cortisol levels at night time too- dont know how much you know about that, but those with high cortisol levels can have dips in energy during the day, so the body tries to produce more cortisol and then by bed time, you can get a second wind of energy, thus making it hard to fall asleep and to sleep deeply enough.
I understand too about not wanting to look vulnerable in front of anyone.

I have these sorts of fantasies too, and they are usually anger fantasies, and i know that it is anger inside of me that i cant express at the moment for multiple reasons, but i used to imagine such things happening to my parents when i was a child.
It is hard to turn off, and I'm not sure what to do about that either at the moment.

Maybe the reason they keep comming back over and over again, is because its feelings you have and adrenalin, that has not been processed?
I think that they do take up energy, and i believe that suppressing them also takes up energy.

Are you able to talk to your inner child and soothe her? Just hear her out, talk to her about what scared her, what she is imagining, and how she feels aobut what she is picturing? And also, asking her how she feels about imagining these things?
I think that hearing her, validating her, and soothing her is the way to go.
You, and she, do very well, to do that job and try hard to hold it together.
I do think that if it is too much, and too stressful, well, it depends on your money situation, but i would place health if possible over work...i know some need to work as its their flight response etc.

Oh yes, and also, T told me that i create worry because my mind and body is so used to worry, living at home as i did in the past, so it needs the worry now, because that is *normality* to me.
I do sometimes create worry apparently, because my mind and body expect worry, and i wont know what to do if things are totally calm.
Hope that makes sense, and sorry too that i just assumed you were female...hope i was correct, and hope this was some what helpful.

[Flutterbye]

Do you find that your cortisol and adrenalin levels are higher when you need to keep busy, such as working on the weekends?
Because this might be another reason why your anxiety is high at night time. Anxiety can be high and cortisol levels at night time too- dont know how much you know about that, but those with high cortisol levels can have dips in energy during the day, so the body tries to produce more cortisol and then by bed time, you can get a second wind of energy, thus making it hard to fall asleep and to sleep deeply enough.

wow, thank you for sharing this Indigo.

I have been trying to reduce my cortisol levels at this point in my recovery. What you write makes so much sense; I experience drastic energy slumps in the afternoon (including actually falling asleep at times) and after that I am physically exhausted throughout late afternoon & night but my mind is very stressed, restless and anxious. I tend to have a lot of dark thoughts & ruminate about things that have gone relatively well during the day, or recently, that I thought I'd already processed & moved on from; my mind churns them over looking for very dark meanings such as reasons to feel humiliation & to only expect a very bleak future. Not fun. Sometimes out of desperation I just go out walking to try to burn some of it off (I live in a safe area so it's fine at night) or turn to comfort food.

I really find focusing on cortisol levels (as an explanation) & practical ways to reduce them helpful at the moment. I'll have a look around the forum for any practical strategies for reducing cortisol.

[Indigochild]

Fluttery, I'm so glad it helped!!
and I'm surprised too as i thought my answer was too long and rambly. I look back on my past posts and am embarrassed as i used to splurge (trying to be helpful) the things i had just learnt.

Yes, falling asleep / being very tired in the afternoon.
I often have an energy spent in the evening, at bedtime, but during adrenal fatigue, which comes round on a spin cycle sort of thing, i am tired at bedtime.
After flashbacks, which is when i normally experience adrenal fatigue (or do i normally have adrenal fatigue as i have hypersomnia?)
im so tired, but my mind is too active and i just cant get off to sleep for ages, even though i am crying out for sleep.
Eventually i will crash and sleep a lot but it takes time to come down as the cortisol is too high.
So i do think that your symptoms are normal.
There could also be a reason that your mind and body thinks it needs to be on high alert at night time.
Even if nothing spercific happened at night time, being so wound up in the past, then going to bed- its air to come down and maybe you could never fully relax, so you dont sleep deeply enough or get to sleep as you should.

Im sorry its so difficult for you.
I ruminate too, but more when flashbacks have happened, and when I'm feeling angry.
It is very lonely going through all this alone.
Did you know, that if you feel edgy already, the mind creates unintentionally- things for you to worry about, because it knows that the body feels anxious and wound up, and it thinks then that there is something to worry about?

Aparently, the only way to reduce cortisol levels is to ease the stress in your life, then you will sleep better, and sleep cures a lot of things. With adiquate sleep, the need to produce cortisol the next day isn't as great.
But only then can we work on repairing the adrenal glands.
I know that melatonin apparently, can help you sleep better.
Heres a video link:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l27y1rtUrFQ

its so great that you too are looking at cortisol and how to reduce it. I do hope you find what you need to know.