New Guy

[Ilhawk]

Hi All, thought I'd check this out.  CPTSD here from years of childhood/teen physical abuse with some sexual.  I received numerous concussions, a permanent back injury, and torture (emotionally and physical) decades ago.  I was beaten to a pulp numerous times basically.  It's been a long journey but for the first time seem to be moving forward...sort of.  Recognition was the biggest hurdle.  For the first time in the past few months, I can cry and feel emotion about it.  I can begin to see through the shame. 

I'm currently laid off from work which has given me time to work on things, but I really need to get back to work.

Anyway, hello.

[woodsgnome]

  Greetings, Ilhawk.

You've landed on a place where I hope you can find some help and support in your recovery work. From what you've listed, I had similar experiences with a heavy layer of religious abuse heaped on top of the rest. Been in/out of formal therapy, and otherwise dealing on my own with my aftershocks of 40+ years.

What's on this site? A lot, much of it unique and largely ignored in print and web media until recently. Besides the daily updates and posts on here, it might be worth your time to at least glance around at some of the earlier posts; I've found lots of helpful topics from browsing entries that stretch back to the site's origins in 2014.

Of course you're liable to run across references to a book so many here refer to which is one of the better takes on the cptsd subject as a whole. That's "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker. Or you can scope out his website: http://pete-walker.com/. It's coverage of the subject is far-ranging and written by someone who's 'been there', so to speak...so it rings true.

As you said, "Recognition was the biggest hurdle." Denial and refuge can mask some of the hurt, but it keeps sneaking back in; at least that's been my experience. Once I started wandering in to pick up the pieces there were times I found more than I bargained for; the term '1-step forward/2 back' comes to mind. I frequently felt only like bailing from all this recovery slog and did, left therapy several times over the years when it got to be too much, etc. Overall I know that there's still hope I'll find a way to find peace, and I wish you well as you begin to feel your way through, too. 

[Ilhawk]

Thx for the input and suggestions.  And yes, I've walked away from therapy too.  Today I'm processing.  On Sunday my wife and I were "accosted" by a pit bull mix.  It was aggressive.   I kept it off with my foot.  I was about to really let it have it, when the owner appeared and it stopped (thankfully).  The owner then threatened to drop me and break every bone in my body...repeatedly.  He got nose to nose with my.  Instead of flight or fright, I stood up to him (was much bigger).  The dog was snarling at my back while he was nose to nose.  He reminded me of one of my abusers.  A lady jogger came by (not hearing due to headphones) and the dog went after her, and he stopped it. That gave separation and he left.  I called 911 but he was long gone by the time police arrived.

I didn't have any emotion about it for several days, but today it's hitting me.