Divorcing a Narc/Verbal Abuser: recovering from panic attacks

[breakingfree]

Hi,
I am half way through divorcing my narc. verbally abusive spouse. Still got a ways to go, but at least he moved out. So I have been in counseling for over a year now and since he moved out the panic attacks have slowly gone away, plus I work on them in therapy, to minimize. They were awful and intensified when he discarded me to divorce. As soon as I had confirmation from him he was Autistic? He wanted a divorce. After years of emotional neglect/verbal abuse/he spied on my computer use/gaslighted me/played horrific mind games (he withheld from me up until 2 years ago he knew he was aspergers all along and never told me).

I never had an "intimate" relationship. It triggers me to talk about my sex life (could it be called that?) so I won't. But I suffer from affective disorder because I never had a loving expressive kind emotional nor physical relationship with him. It really did a number on me when I learned I was duped all those years.

Anyway. I am glad to not have panic attacks anymore. I muddle through negotiations. Best as I can.  I emotionally detached from him and an autism society helped me understand what I went through.

I look around me and see so many people experienced true intimacy and affection (even no verbal abuse!) and I feel many times like a freak because that was all robbed from me. I lived a lie: I was lied too and robbed of the chance to know what real affection feels like.

I am isolated on purpose and its ok. I very slowly get out with my new puppy. Which is a huge thing for me. I accept that I will never walk around in life understanding what affection feels like: unless I experience it first hand. But. I feel like I escaped this weird "non-reality" in my marriage....and it was very punishing, the whole experience. If I knew, I would of left a long time ago. Because I have never had basic human needs met. Not in a relationship. Not sexually. Not intimately. Not at all. I don't trust that I will ever be strong enough to "begin" this late in my life (late 40's) all over again. Begin meaning: date for the first time, a nuerotypical person. A person with the same wiring as me. I don't know what that is like. At all. It's scarey.

[breakingfree]

clarifying: "never had a kind emotional caring physical relationship with him" what I mean is that we were physical: but it felt more like being violated than being intimate. the disconnect between a person without autism and a person with autism prevents intimacy.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi breakingfree  and welcome to the board.

I can relate to autism being a contributing factor for cPTSD. I have a dad of whom I have strong suspicion he is Asperger's.
This link is to a thread I made earlier, in which I posted some resources that touch on the issue of how neurotypicals can experience their relationship with somebody 'on the spectrum'.

I think the links to articles on "Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome" or OTRS might strike a chord with you. Probably not the best of chords to strike, alas. To me OTRS sounds eerily similar to it cPTSD.
It's in the "Causes of cPTSD" section: http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=3166.msg18968#msg18968

Wishing you well in recovery, you did the right thing, IMHO.
Hang in there,

[Tracy]

I hear you, and I believe you.
My ex was/is an alcoholic verbal abuser. Ten years together did a number on me, and I spent two years single after I left, just trying to get my head on straight again. I think it has only been in the last six months my teenager and I have actually begun to really move on. It's been 3 years since I left.

   I'm sorry you are going through this difficult time, but as stated before me- it really does sound like splitting up was in your best interests.
I don't think my ex was autistic (I think my current partner might be on the spectrum, but who knows for sure) but my ex was definitely bipolar or something.
I have a long trauma history, so when you said you've never known what it feels like to be loved and care for in an intimate relationship. Well. Neither had I.
Until now. I actually thought I would grow old and die never knowing what it felt like to be truly loved. And the truth is, as long as I stayed with my ex, that was a guarantee. I would have had more success sprouting an extra pair of arms, and flying to Mexico.
But after taking a long long time to recover.. I did start to get out there. I wanted to make friends. 4-5 months after I started getting out in the world again, I met my husband who, while we both have our issues- I know this man loves me like I have never been loved. His love and care have healed and is still healing many wounds.  You too will heal- first on your own, like you have already been doing- (way to go, you!) and later, when you do meet someone who values you, and treats you the way you should be treated, with love, care, and honour.. You will heal even more. But here's the rub-
It's terrifying.
(At least it was for me- your mileage may vary)
Because I had never experienced the way 'normal' couples interact- so when he did typically 'normal' things, I had no idea how to handle it! It freaked me out! Lol!
Then I would do half an hour of internal self talk- 'why did he do that? Why did he say it that way? Is he secretly crazy and I don't know it yet? Is he trying to trick me?  Sucker me again? What's his game?'

But there was no game. I just had to learn to live again
And with a lot of time and patience, you will learn to live again, too. It's slow going sometimes, and the road is often bumpy. But you will get there. I believe there is a heart out there somewhere right now, that is meant to love you. And in the meantime you are doing all the right things by trying to heal yourself as much as you can. It's a tough job, but you are doing great!
Don't give up ❤️