It all makes sense now

[Liz1018]

Greetings OOTS community,

I have recently been diagnosed with C-PTSD and have felt great relief in this diagnosis as well as a large sense of overwhelm. Part of the overwhelm is no doubt that right around the time of my diagnosis I also went NC with my NPD parents and mostly personality-disordered FOO. But after carrying around a "Major Depressive Disorder" for 20 years, which felt somewhat amorphous, the C-PTSD diagnosis really answers a lot of questions and fills in missing pieces of the puzzle. I am in therapy, have read Pete Walker's book and "Childhood Disrupted" by Donna Jackson Nakazawa, and feel I am at the beginning of the journey of healing that my whole life has been leading up to.

A little background: 44 yr old female, married for 17 years, no kids. Youngest and smallest of 4 siblings. Malignant UNPD mom and uNPD/BPD dad. Target of bullying from older siblings, especially older GC uNPD/BPD sis. She and NM were a team and used humiliation, backstabbing, gossip, and fear to control me. Men in my family were all pretty passive and to this day utterly controlled by NM. From the outside we were a "perfect", educated (parents both have advanced degrees), middle class family. As many of you know that doesn't usually add up to what the reality is. There were secrets none of us could ever speak of, nothing was ever discussed - no one was allowed to express feelings about our parents behaviors. Keeping the good face on bad behavior began to make me feel like I was going crazy.

Physical abuse was there (mostly from bully sis), but the verbal and emotional abuse was worse. I think my depression and anxiety really started when I was a teenager. Social anxiety was horrible - I had been brainwashed to think that nobody liked me. But I made friends and spent time with their families and the truth about my family started to reveal itself little by little - other families actually supported and (gasp!) seemed to LIKE each other. My parents seemed to despise and were openly hostile to one another. But stayed together "for the children" which never made a lot of sense to me.
I believe my mother dealt with my dad's philandering by subjecting whichever kid was around to emotional incest. I was always uncomfortable having to hear her side of their marital problems when I was just trying to cope with adolescence.

I tried to get away from them as early as 16. I was accepted to a prestigious art school in another part of the state but my mother would not let me out of her sight. Likewise when I applied for college I wanted to go to a different part of the country but wound up staying in state because they wouldn't assist me financially otherwise.

I saw my first therapist in college and with her help and guidance, was able to graduate. I moved back home into the insanity (recession of '93) and after 4 years of collegial independence saw their dysfunction with new eyes. I spent day and night plotting my escape, saving every penny to amass enough to leave. They were crazier than I had been able to grasp. Everything was always in crisis, falling apart - they didn't seem to want peace, only drama. I wanted out.

I got out - it took me 3 years, but I found a job in another part of the country near the man I was dating who would become my husband. As I became more independent, my toxic family became more enmeshed, controlled by my mom, and unable to see their own misery or do anything about it. She destroyed their marriages and relationships. None of them (all close to 50) have ever been able to sustain a love relationship. nM and GCsis go on vacations together, spend every weekend together and talk multiple times a day - no boundaries, totally enmeshed - it's like they are married.

My life improved when I got away from them, but the pull of FOG was strong. I tried to have a superficial relationship with them, VLC and MC. For awhile it worked, but they continued to be miserable NF resentful of my minuscule participation in the family.

I got back into therapy and went for 6 years. I took a cocktail of Xanax, Lamictal, and anti-depressants and was working in healing myself. But I also had relationship problems (big shocker): trust issues, anxiety and debilitating depression. The meds and therapy helped somewhat but I didn't know just how deep my and my husband's individual issues went. Eventually we lost our health insurance and could no longer afford therapy or medication. I self medicated with alcohol instead. But I also used exercise and a healthy diet to fight my depression, read as many books as I could to stay on top of things, and journaled, journaled, journaled about my feelings and experiences.

My husband and I love each other dearly and have always been committed to making it work, but we have had a rocky road. He was a parentified child at a young age, was forced to choose which parent to live with in the divorce, and is super codependent. His parents are decent people, but they are emotional children who are terrible at emotional support. Alcoholism nearly destroyed him, and there were multiple traumas during the period of a decade of trying to get the drinking under control. We were highly functioning alcoholics until he became physically addicted, developed pancreatitis, and it almost killed him. We both got sober a few years ago and began the difficult work of healing.

Around this time when we individually and together were focused on healing and things were improving in our lives, my FOO started to stir up drama and tried to pull us into it. i was honest with my sister about how our family needed healing and she turned into a raving, screaming lunatic and told me never to call her again. I didn't.

For 6 months after that I called my mom once a week and she never really mentioned it, even though they tell each other everything. Eventually she began to find reasons to contact me and drag me into whatever drama du jour. calling me multiple times a week ( we had talked 30 minutes a week for 20 years), stressing me out, asking for favors, being a general pain in the *. I started having panic attacks for the first time in many years. Every time she would contact me I would have a sharp pain in my chest and feel nauseous.  It got more aggressive as the holidays neared and after a particularly egregious stab in the back and knife twist, I said "no more." DH called her and told her not to contact us or his family.

That was 2 months ago. I blocked numbers and email, as did DH. She, my aunt, and my sister have aggressively hoovered us every single one of these 8-9 weeks, going so far as to call my in-laws. Mail, emails, voicemails. I have listened to none, opened no packages or letters - just three them away.

But I am having horrible flashbacks, which take a few days from which to recover. I am learning to deal with them, but they are excruciatingly intense. I am self -employed but my work is suffering. I have no motivation - recovery and healing are all I am interested in. DH is supportive but struggling, as it's bringing up a lot of his own trauma. Every week right now is difficult and exhausting.

I have been off meds for 12 years and do not necessarily want to go back on them, but have entertained the idea. The intensity of what I am experiencing daily feels like it will consume me. Everything has felt like a struggle for years and years - is this just my life? One struggle after another forever? I feel like there is no escaping the constant crisis mode I was raised with, and the peace I have had at different times will never return ....or last.

Trying to just make it through winter, keep working on myself, stay healthy, and keep my eye on the prize. OOTF has been a wonderful resource and I am glad I found OOTS too. Bless you all and thanks for reading.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi Liz1018 

Wow, what a life's story, written so eloquently and concise. It feels like I've known you forever, which of course I don't, so I hope I'll see you around some more.
Welcome to Out of the Storm!

Going NC and getting a diagnosis like cPTSD is a tough combo. I faced something similar when I realized I had become an alcoholic, and I finally realized admitted my FOO were a bunch of dysfunctional people, with me being one of them. Enmeshment all along... I relate to a lot you have written. I went NC with my 'sis' and almost NC with 'mom' 13 months ago. Bro and dad... LC. It's been a roller-coaster.

I see you are acquainted with OOTF, which is great.
While OOTS is a lot like OOTF, I still want to point you to our Guidelines for All Members and Guests for that specific 'feel' and need of the OOTS-community.
Additionally, in the cPTSD Glossary you may find a lot that may resonate with your experiences.

Welcome again, I hope and wish this place and community will give you comfort and be of aid on your journey through cPTSD.


Dutch Uncle.

[Kizzie]

Oh dear Liz, I can feel the anxiety, fear and anger you are feeling - and more   

You are going through *, and no wonder!  You have barely escaped from a full court PD press.  They pulled out all the stops to bring you into line, make you feel like you are the problem, draw you back and do the crazy making, soul crushing dance that PD and their FMs do.  All of that must be deeply triggering and not something you can over in a day or two.

And although you have gone no contact, the fact that they marched up to your castle and demanded that you lower the drawbridge so to speak must equate to feeling like you are still under siege I would imagine. Perhaps seeing a T for a while might be an idea to help you reestablish a sense of safety and regain your equilibrium?

I am LC with my NPDM and NC with my NPDB and extended family (big network of enmeshment and dysfunctional behaviour), and even being LC with my M is difficult.  My H and I have to manage what little contact we have with her very carefully because given an inch she will take a mile and in the end trigger me and anger him so that we end up focusing on her once again.  The thought of being dragged back into all of that is the stuff of nightmares so it's no wonder to me that you are having a tough time.   Coming here and talking about it all may help defuel the fear/anger, bring it down to a manageable level so it's not all consuming.  Keep posting, we do get it here.   

[Liz1018]

Thank you Dutch Uncle and Lizzie for your replies. Thankfully I have found a wonderful therapist who has a lot of C-PTSD knowledge (from personal experience) and is helping me develop techniques for healing.

Thanks for the guidelines link. I truly appreciate the work you guys have put into this site - it's so thorough and thoughtful. I will do my best to respect these guidelines.

[breakingfree]

Liz, I can relate to your story on many points your made and the panic attacks I had last year were debilitating (I was divorcing and leaving a PD relationship) so they were full throttle. I know how physical flash backs and panic feels. One thing I used often, to get through things and bring down my stress level was this app:

https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/i-can-be-free-relax-remove/id327538172?mt=8

It's guided meditation. Any module you choose is pretty much the same.  Takes about 20  to 30 minutes a session. And you are talked to calmly by this voice that guides you calmly to your stressor: then visually lifts you away from the antagonizing force, problem, person, whatever it may be.

I had a counselor help me with panic attacks/flash backs too, they were bad: it took me 2 days at least to recover from them. But I found that, if I could remember to do it occasionally, or even right after a flash back? This helped take down the physical feeling of the attack. It really helped. I would not use is exclusively: as talking to your counselor processes your experiences better. But I really felt grounded whenever I did a session with this.

You are doing the right thing to get away from PD family, I did two years ago, I went no contact and in my mind the more crazier they get trying to pull you back in with old tactics? The more it affirms your great need to stay no contact. After talking to my BPD mom and sibling and asking them to listen to how they speak to me, stop talking to me like I am worthless, like they hated me, like I was a piece of garbage: they laughed at me. So, after ASKING them to stop the behavior and pointing out the behavior they still laughed at me and continued? I said ok: no more phone calls. Which bought about anger of course. Then I blocked emails and told them why I was not willing to talk anymore. Like magnets: they come back looking to gain entry. Each time they come back I try to remind myself of all the cruelty they showed and my pleas for them to stop going ignored. Even being mocked. Because they aren't coming back because they care about me. They care about THEM and THEM ONLY and staying no contact means that you aren't a punching bag anymore, not emotionally. Not verbally. Not at all. They lost their privileges to know you, be in your space, presence, your light. Done. No more. Consequences of being abusive should equal NO MORE CONTACT. Especially when it's all gone too far.
I remind myself of this thoughts. I see the PD relatives and my ex as emotional predators: because that is what they are and you have gone NC so you don't ever have to feel like prey again. You are free.