Feeling "safe in the present" after emotional abuse / neglect

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi everyone. Mind if I use you as a sounding board? I've got a problem with one of Pete Walker's 13 steps, and I'd like to solve it. And maybe someone else has experience with that too, and/or can tell me how sensible my attempts to solve this are. Or we can solve this together, which is even better.

Pete Walker is a therapist who specializes in CPTSD. The "13 steps" are his method for dealing with flashbacks. http://www.pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm The section I find difficult is this:

Flashbacks take us into a timeless part of the psyche that feels as helpless, hopeless and surrounded by danger as we were in childhood. ... Remind yourself: "I feel afraid but I am not in danger! I am safe now, here in the present." Remember you are now in the safety of the present, far from the danger of the past. ... Remind yourself that you do not have to allow anyone to mistreat you; you are free to leave dangerous situations and protest unfair behavior. ...

I'll write my thoughts on this in a new post.

[schrödinger's cat]

Emotional abuse and neglect don't feel dangerous. It's possible to recognize the danger in them, but it doesn't come naturally. And even if you've already recognized the danger, you're still hard-wired to ignore it - to keep on making excuses, making allowances, making yourself grin and bear it and "grow a thicker skin".

Direct, aggressive emotional abuse - yes, that does feel like we're being attacked. Someone's shouting, calling us names, trying to dominate and control us. However, the world in general sees that as forgiveable. Not everyone does that, but there are always people who excuse this kind of behaviour or even praise it. At the very least, people will say this is unavoidable. "It just happens. Learn to deal with it." If we protect ourselves in a way that the world thinks is over the top, we'll get in trouble.

The milder forms of emotional abuse are even harder to recognize. So I'm talking to my brother, and he's standing there with a wide stance, straightened up so he seems even taller than he is already, chin raised so he can smile down at me: "Awww, ain't you cute?" Now, how easy is it to tell myself: "I'm being attacked?" Every social convention tells me to just grin and bear it. And how am I supposed to "protect myself" from it? Texts on self-protection often mention calling the police or leaving an unsafe situation. So my brother patronizes me and I walk out the room? That isn't always easy to do.

As for passive emotional abuse - withdrawal and emotional neglect - that's even harder to recognize and deal with. Where do you even draw the line? At what point does it become "withdrawal" = passive emotional abuse if someone simply fails to talk to you? I tend to keep on making excuses. Who wouldn't?

So I thought about this. Here's what I've come up with so far.

People are social animals. From our earliest childhood, we're hard-wired to be part of a group. Children especially aren't just dependend on their families for food and shelter: they have an even stronger need for reassurance, guidance, and affection. Not getting this is scary on a very basic, primal level. It keeps us from developing a stable sense of self that's separate from our parents'. In her book on daughters of narcissists, Karyl McBride says:

An ignored child doesn't get her emotional needs met. She can't work on self and separation because she's still trying to fill up her tank with Mother's love. She keeps trying to merge with her mother like a small child, trying to get her mother's approval and attention. This bars her from having individual needs, desires, thoughts, or feelings.

So even just simple emotional neglect can really damage us. As for the other forms of emotional abuse - they're a part of brainwashing techniques for a reason. They can really, really mess you up. Direct abuse is like being hit by a car but surviving without major injuries, passive emotional abuse is like living in a flat with radioactive furniture. The damage-per-second is greater with direct abuse, but indirect abuse still harms you if it goes on for long enough.

It's like having an inconsiderate neighbour. If your next-door neighbour plays loud music late at night - sure, you'll forgive him if he does that once or twice. If he does that every week-end... weeeell, you'll still forgive him, but it's getting a bit harder. But then imagine someone who's always turning the volume right up, in the middle of the night, even after you've asked him not to because you've got small children and a day job. It's not about the single, isolated incident, it's about the whole of that person's behaviour.

It's about what they signal you about yourself. Every social interaction has unspoken messages about the other person. Here, for example, I'm hoping my bold texts will signal "I'm trying desperately to make my wordy post more readable". I'm also worried they might signal "HEAR ME ROAR!!" or something. Now, emotional abuse sends us VERY toxic messages. Abusers don't treat us as equals - they assume a one-up position. They're high above, we're down below. They're in the know, we're clueless (even about our own feelings, our own experiences). They're right, we're guilty. Our opinions don't matter. Our needs don't matter. Our company isn't worth having. Those are incredibly hurtful messages. How dare they? - Seen in this light, have I got a right to feel indignant if my brother goes "awww" at me? Too right I have.

Children have no way of escaping toxic environments. When I was bullied at school, I told my mother, and she told me to grow a thicker skin. She didn't contact my teachers or other parents, she didn't have me change schools, she never even asked me again how I was doing, if it was still going on. And we all know how impossible it is to escape one's FOO while you're still a kid.

Younger people might be more prone to repetition compulsion. There's this theory that you always unconsciously recreate the way things were when you were a kid - down to toxic relationships. So daughters of narcissists drift towards narcisstic partners and so on. Now, several times someone mentioned that they realized they were doing it, and most of them are above thirty. When you're a child or a teenager, it's probably REALLY hard to realize you're drifting into friendships with people who are mildly abusive or emotionally unavailable.

So how do I protect myself from all that?

[schrödinger's cat]

Nearly done, I swear. A few thoughts on how I can use all this to protect myself better.

I can create my own social environment. What's more, I have ways of controlling it that I never had as a child.I can distance myself from people who tend to be abusive or withholding. They're not "my classmates" now - people I'll have to spend every bloody day with for the next few years, come what may. No. I now have a choice. I can seek out people who share some of my interests, for example. I can try out different groups and see which one has an athmosphere I like. I can pace myself - maybe starting with internet forums (hi guys) or a pet. If my brother is being obnoxious - well, I know where he's ticklish. One poke in his side: instant fatherly-dignity-be-gone button.

I'm way better at coming up with excuses and dodging out of difficult situations. I'm so tired suddenly, I'd better head home... I just remembered I've got errands to run, silly me... sorry if I'm not too cheerful today, I've got a bit of a headache... oh, a phonecall, sorry, I've got to take this...

Better still: I can pick whom I owe explanations to. So I don't have to make excuses at all. As a kid, I was always expected to justify every single one of my actions. As a grown-up, I don't have to do that. "Right, I'm heading home", that's enough. People will simply assume I have good reasons. Or deciding to stay acquaintances with someone instead of becoming friends: no one is ever going to ask me "why don't you go play with that nice Mrs XY?" It's none of anyone's business.

I can use Medium Chill. http://www.outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/MediumChill.html

I can trust my own instincts, perceptions, and judgments. That means I don't have to automatically assume anymore that the others are right and I'm wrong. (I was my FOO's Scapegoat). That in turn means I get to create a s*** List and put people on it. Of course I'm going to be open to signs that this was a one-off, they're not really like that, or they regret what they did and want to change: but I get to say, "hey, that crossed a line, I'm now going to keep that person at arm's length". There's no obligation anymore to like them or even understand them.

I can baffle them. If someone starts abusing me, I don't have to follow their script. I'm now old enough to spot the "victim role" abusive people seek to assign to me, and I'm old enough to know ways to get out of it. Some of those ways are maybe a tiny bit devious, like stopping someone's patronizing grin by telling them they've got something between their teeth. The point is, if someone's throwing abuse at me, there are ways I can let that abuse just sail by. That doesn't guarantee that I'll remember those methods when I'm in trouble. But that's okay. Like any skill, this can be learned. There are books on assertiveness skills, books on how to get along with difficult people... there are plenty of things I can study and teach myself.

I'm better able to see through people. Maybe I'm not all that good at it yet, but I'm way better at it than I was when I was a child. Children simply don't have the information and experience of grown-ups. I'm better able now to find explanations for someone's behaviour. When I was little, I was more dependent on other people's version of events. As a grown-up, my worldview and opinions are more independent, and I'm better informed. I can recognize things faster, for example if someone is projecting something onto me. I'm better able to see the real truth. I can pull back the curtain and see the Wizard of Oz for what he really is: a frail old man trying to make himself look big so people will do what he wants them to.

Oh my goodness, if you've read all this: thanks. Sorry for taking so long. And again, this isn't complete or even all that good, it's simply a few thoughts I had that I want to road-test during my EFs. I'd really really like to hear how everyone's dealing with the emotional abuse / neglect portion of their trauma (if you feel you can talk about it without triggering yourself, that is).

EDITED TO ADD several points rain made.

[schrödinger's cat]

A good point. I'm adding it to my list. (I find list-making a soothing activity. I picked that up from an elderly friend of mine who's from the UK. The first thing she does in any crisis is get pen and paper and start making bullet points.)


That reminds me of something some self-defence instructor once said. A friend of mine took one of her courses and told me the story. The instructor was a very very pretty young girl with blond hair, and she gets stared at a lot. She was riding on a train once, and two male passengers opposite her just kept staring...

So she picked her nose.

No more staring.

[Rain]

I LOVE the nose picking story, Cat!   Thanks for sharing that!

And, I hear you on the comfort of list making.  Well done, Cat!

[schrödinger's cat]

Do you think I summed your point up properly?

Or is there more on this kind of technique? We could try and do a glossary entry. Maybe it could go under a for assertiveness? It just occurred to me that maybe there are others here who'd (like me) feel more empowered by this kind of thing - by knowing there are things you can do to control disagreeable social situations. Trigger-dodging, as it were.

[schrödinger's cat]

A new thread might be best. After all, we talked about trying to make this forum easier to navigate. We'd probably have to mark it as "possibly triggering", though, because there'd have to be examples given. What do you think?

So narc = narcissist? I thought it was something to do with narcotics, which never made much sense. This is more plausible.

I agree on the bland indifference. Most abusers find it no fun if one isn't reacting.

[schrödinger's cat]

True. I'm finding that this is another thing that helps me deal with EA. I'm better able now to deconstruct it, and to find explanations for someone's behaviour. When I was little, I was more dependent on other people's version of events. As a grown-up, my worldview and opinions are more independent, and I'm better informed. I can recognize things faster, for example if someone is projecting something onto me.

[Rain]

Well said, Cat!

[schrödinger's cat]

I like the Wizard of Oz metaphor. It really fits. So many times, abusers are just trying to make themselves look bigger so we'll do what they want.

Added that to the list, too. This is really good. I think I can take this list and then try to get better at each of the bullet points. Or I can remind myself that I'm actually doing okay on several of them, to calm myself down. This is useful.

[Toby]

For me, there were many areas to navigate post-trauma to feel safe in the present. Some areas I have conquered, other parts I am still working on.  As my recovery is a journey not a race, one step at a time is acceptable progress.

Mindfulness has assisted greatly with slowing down of my hypervigilance and regulating some of the negative triggers. I have also found that strong boundaries and the use of no statements have afforded me a connection with my core identity of self. No, is a empowered word that requires confidence as well as a belief system that I am no longer a victim or powerless. So I do not attempt to dodge alpha people when they assert their-selves (for example workplace bullies)...I just say no. This step was not easy, but it was necessary for me to feel safe in my present.

[Katarina]

SC & Rain thank you SO much for your insights on this topic. Is there a way to flag this so I can refer to it OFTEN? 
I am just scratching the surface of understanding and seeing the EA of my ex for what it is. It's OBVIOUS now that I can see the signs.

I love Nina Brown's quote in this book, "Above all, do not try to be empathic with someone who has a destructive narcissistic pattern. They will eat it up -- trying to swallow you in the process."   I cannot be honestly me around a narcissist and be empathic as I relate to healthy people, in fact it is dangerous with a narc.   Dealing with a narcissist is not honest, direct communication.  It is being in nearly constant defense mode.   A "tiny bit devious" with a narcissist ...you bet!!!

^ this! Oh heavens so very very true so often I found myself dizzied in confusion as to how my empathy was turned back upon me.  Bizarre.

Rain you must have a wonderful library. I am constantly writing down books you reference. Thank you to you both for sharing your insights and experiences.