EmoVulcan stream of consciousness..possible triggers.

[EmoVulcan]

Such strange things that are happening to me.  And I think, more progress has happened in the last few days that still makes me feel I am losing it more than recovering.
It is whirling confusion of the storm in my head, that seems to reshape my perceptions, thus my changing reality.

My inner child, seems like T'Pau.  I Seem the child. The union of both, is the end desire.

Another meditation.  I asked for some insights to resolving my issues.  Just finding a spot, that verified that feeling of blame, was and was not in my head..seemed to give me the nudge towards seeing the damage that needs repaired. Knowledge is power, though,
Hard to accept the fact there is no real hard fast remedy, to what seems to be learned cognitive dissonance, it is what passes for normal.  With a great bit of difficulty, I finally was noticing my breath, and sat still to listen.

"I sprang from my father's forehead, full grown.". I spoke aloud.  (Months ago, on the verge of morning, a deep voice called in my dreams.".Athene, wake up now."  And some research led me to Chronos, and the titans. "I was first, then came Adonai." I felt such anguish and anger, then my eyes, closed in the dark, still saw shadows of wings, dark and fully splayed out, an impression of a male angel? My muscles were tensed and my voice was not mine. Painfully I heard screams and I do not remember all he grated out, but the impression I have was he was a watcher, a volonteer, to keep vigilnt watch over children, his flock? " Its a trap! I want out, there.." Then a third voice, sad and subdued female, full of many things, but sad overall. "We erred in our arrogance, perhaps.  The closest usable strands such primitive things. The physical vessels could not bear our load.  The first generation, we thought was success, then came Giants, and they brought us chaos."
Athene: "my children, the demi-gods, the bridge to more life. In those days there were Giants in the earth.  They know I can raise them, yet, I have been humbled, the heart that was so hardened and cruel, now remembers, and cannot take more pain.  My pagans know, each spell come back on the caster times three, the care they must take. The power they hold is asleep, and not risen."  Yet I heard an anguished male cry. " They slept with animals"
The sad one. "We had no choice, not enough of us left to make a new race, yes we tampered with DNA, don't you see, we would have perished, as is we still did...just pieces remain all scattered to bits."
Athene: "I fled with my people, the Celts and the Picts, the Norsemen as well. I served as first oracle, for new Irish kings." Her voice became angry, barely restrained,
"Then they came, killing Pagans, they stole our birthright!".
the wings again passed over my sight. The angel it seemed, kneeled before me, though I saw his back, his head bowed, then I had the perception of being him, kneeling, wrists lashed to the ground, wings fully spread, head bowed low, guilt coursing through, begging forgiveness, and so unsure it was possible, sure of his doom.
Now, childhood thoughts of, God grants that, for simply asking, I do not understand, what father destroys his own son? The parable of the prodigal son, an answer to simple disagreements, so simple.  So pure.
Then a few incidents of my younger self, I knew I was not at fault, for many things I was to try out, my motives were impossible to deduce...given what was hidden from view.  Small deceits and outright lies, protect the protectors was always why. As these memories passed, I considered anew, how young I was then, and how selfless my views seemed but always to save me, so maybe thats an issue...the hijacking of parental plans for themselves, not to admit that they were the cause.

Then a flurry of wings, the angel free from his bonds, an then dozens of shades, vague ghostly forms, rising up and passing in front of my eyes.  Some explanation of how intercession does work, and there is also release of familial karmic debt.
There is within me, not so junk DNA...it is mystory. 

Time was restored, don't know how long I had sat there, I was still in confusion, but feeling like something of this is to put a lot of pain to rest.  A resolution to the basic internal conflicts of me. Maybe some clue to my makeup, bizarre it may be..or simply the big picture of an overarching story, we act out every day. Or a way to claim, my identity, and birthrights to be whole. 

I refuse to fear this process..."I am friends with the monster under my bed.". Shoved him over to hide from my self.
"get along with the voices inside my head." They all are mine...except for the exchange above.
"And your trying to save me, stop holding your breath.". Maybe, this can only be done inside the head, an exorcism of sorts.
" And you think I am crazy...well that's nothing...". Everyone just might be a little crazy, mirrors and dysfunction, how do we know what is real and dis-function.

Quotes from Eminem, The Monster. All others, well? Perhaps just write my own ending to make some closure.

[seriousann333]

Your post is interesting to me because I want to learn more about people who embrace meditation and spirituality for managing cptsd. I have shared my spiritual inclinations with people before with mixed results. Either people think I'm having temporary psychosis, are frightened of me, stunned or think I have special gifts from beyond. I meditate too and often the meditations are filled with mythology, metaphors, dreamlike stories, intense colorful visions, abstract shapes and colors etc. They inform me about situations and help me come out of my triggers with deeper wisdom and perspective. I have half awake dreams with messages informing me how to proceed or giving me informative messages. These dreams and visions have accurate "real world" results. Which freaks me out. The synchronicity really freaks me out.  I can go about my day, perform my job well, have meaningful relationships, take care of myself and others and also have this deep spiritual inner world as my friend or perhaps guide through the complexities of ptsd.
Have you ever created artwork from your meditations? It might help you gain further perspective.
Trauma responds to the abstract. Perhaps these experiences are safer for our psyches. I love my inner world. It's my guide and true friend.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I'm open to your stream of consciousness posts.
And when I'm less tired I will be able to help you with insights on the content of your meditations if you want help.
Seriousann333

[EmoVulcan]

There seems to be some thing strange occurring of late...the symptoms of C-PTSD seem similar to descriptions of kundalini,  or shamen sickness.  Apparently, the rather powerful energy that uncoiled in my pelvis and straight up my spine to cranium was "snake" or female creative energy.  Did not know that at the time..it was preceded by kriyas or automatic yoga poses..felt like I was manhandled by nobody there.  This type of thing tends to make people freak out, and I was glad, am glad the only witness is me.  I was seriously thinking that maybe exorcisms were ill advised as not possession, but a self led act, of resolving or reconciling the soul prior to death.  The revelation of the truth of ones life. I have been trying to see what is all my life...because actions and words are not as aligned as people believe.  Given abuse, I have been quietly observing and analysing the picture...and keeping me safe as I could, and predictably didn't.
I might actually have been aspergers..don't really recall being attached so much as hyperaware and avoidant.  But gender roles, religion, CSA and an analytical mind, and a force from left hand preference to right hand usage...I am a male minded female with a crossword brain. Clumsy, and cannot draw a straight line with a ruler, envious of all that can contrive pictures on paper.
I use words, to convey ideas instead.  But some of my issues, I am told are tough to address.  So I am letting my mind do what I do best...finish this story, so I can get on to the rest of my living, and that is my personality type.INTP a big picture.  But I can adhere to the details, see connections and patterns...there is a pattern to LIFE..now this past week, is making my writing chaotic, but flowing with speed. I have yet to see what is to be.
I have read libraries of books, and tons of stories...where I escaped the room more like a prison, to the haven of flight on dragon and gossamer wings. 
Over decades, I have such a mess in my head, and childhood religion, just left me convincined there is nothing of the ideals we spout.  And magic is ...oh love that is magic..we don't believe...but...there is an answer that begs to get out.  men have forgot.
Before word was first spoken, there was emptyness..the void. The Goddess hidden until light found her out.  I am learning a story of me...from inside I find the female divine.

Now why does this sound like old old stories I never read?

Seriousanna, this may take a bit to sort out and edit a might bit clearer..I cannot physically type as fast as I think.  I was intending something I think I got lost. But I would be happy share as this comes together, better I hope.
I really am shooting for closure of the child's loss of wonder, and maybe I am just not willing to let go of magic...but is or is not love magic?  Or am I still trying to have faith?

[EmoVulcan]

Life, the Universe, and Everything.
42.  That was the answer the super super computer spat out.  Douglas Adams proposed humans on earth, gave the answer meaning.
Is that a key to getting over this.

Change how I think about the meaning of my experiences.  Seems kind of silly to try and change so much negative energy by recharacterisation as a karmic event, or crisis in the soul.  I know that it has been difficult to try and find reason in trauma being tied to some wrong of the past. 

Knowing what I have gleaned in the last few weeks, and past inquiry; I can see the sins of the fathers passed down through the ages...20/20 hindsight.  There are so many, who insist family is truly hateful, with good sound reason, it seems.

I had angst. I knew I did not make anyone harm me.  To think otherwise, is to assume I have telepathy strong enough to create the action from inside their head.  No, I have a fascinating and endless playground in my own, I always assumed (yes, I do hate that word)everyone did.  This is where my brain glitched time and again, the outward world was too interested in my participation in misery. Why?  Because it loves company.  Guilty pleasure means stolen joy. I hate what people do to each other...and I hate this generation of self involved greed..sin is created by definition, but it is in fact inhibition.

The purpose of this is to continue the strife, and this is the cycle that society makes, to leverage people's energy, represented by "money", because we have no concrete sense of self-value.  So labor fetches no thing of material worth. And the material worth is worthless to most, as they gave it away in excess energy notes, in exchange they are dying from lack of     
Natural synergy of community not the divisiveness of societal goals.

I am spirit on a human adventure...

[EmoVulcan]

Depression, bleak, dull grey fade to black. The pit of human despair.
The void, empty space, waiting to be filled...
Rebirth in explosions of energy, everything first, concept
To matter. 

The GreatestStory Ever Told
HISstory
mystory
herstory

Language play, history..men wrote down what they wanted as law.
There was no need for writing, with perfect recall. 
The word with will s still magic.
What is set deep in stone, becomes programming fact
History is contrary to belief, been made malleable treasure, to mold individual perceptions.
Now, with so many lies, we simply cannot measure the truth it twists under so much pressure.

Her story, heretic, hysterical.  Silent and submissive or punished as if a mind don't mean a thing.

Mystery...all across time is ever entrenched in the masculine mind of everything hidden in the Feminine divine.
I no longer fear the night or darkening of the soul...as high as one gets, is as low as it goes, that is inherent in yin and yang. This inner being of mine, has shown me I sit at the bottom, all that is left is to make a concept of self, and create the identity, the now one, of course, the past can lay easy..I do not want that trouble no more.  The challenge right now is to make for a vision of the future, on a clear brand new plate using youthful optimism with ageless wisdom and human grace.

I think that is the best visualisation I can come up with of even my fractured identity.  I guess I did not realise the depth of an identity crisis before.  Seeing no core, cohesive separate being can in fact exist...this is truly a thought experiment.  And in a way, so is CERN.
  Maybe this part of space, is another dimension we will term the age of aquarious.  Time isnt real. And neither are we.

[EmoVulcan]

So, I have concluded, the first thing for me to do is to find my truths about myself.
This must fit what I know. That is a composite of what I have learned from others as opinion, fact, or off in left field misinformation. So, what I in essence believe to be true.
This also includes known facts. The things I factually know about me, about what I have studied and researched, and that is corroborated by researchable documentation.
These are concrete clues that can be supported with evidence.
Truth resonates, so I feel good when the truth resonates with me.  I love feeling good!
That is why, I tell the truth, a lie makes me feel guilty, a bad feeling I want to avoid.
That is the thought process of my childhood.  I am analytical, so it is very logical, and based on overwhelming guilt.  Strange, I remember feeling guilty as a child.  Usually, when the authority figure asked the collective under his charge confronted the kids about some infraction.  I would feel guilt surge before the question was even fully out of his mouth.. I believe I was feeling the ' guilty party"; or was already conditioned to be 'at fault'.  This will take a bit of thought and recall to make a guess, then I might be in C-PTSD because I am a highly sensitive person, needing to understand the difference between the emotion and the feeling in my body that accompanies it...something to note when I am emotional.  The feeling in the body is tied to something the emotion identifies with, is it past or present?
I have deep religion couched convictions that I like how I think about them, in other words how I think about them corroborates how others think about them and validates my good feeling. As truth, how I think about them should validate others good feeling.
If someone has a reaction to my thinking, or reacts to the words I describe it with, they either did not hear and understand what I said, the words used, or has a trigger to word, content, or subject.  If I have been non-emotional anIfI begin to feel their emotion; I am a sensitive.  If I feel an emotion, with no demonstrable person in evidence, to something said...I have the issue, most likely.  If no words, or music to look for triggers, search other senses, or sources.
Music can call up feelings and emotions! 
Listen with note pad and search emotion/feeling links. Try to link to sound memory, visual memory, and odor/scent memory.
The strongest memories are revisited, or have been triggered to be dealt with...so, this is to specialize or become an expert in what you focus on.  There is physical or muscle memory.  This I know. I used to think I memorized phone numbers. Well, yes when we had rotary dial phones I did.  After consistently using a touch tone/keypad dial phone for several years, I realized I memorized the pattern of the numbers on the keypad.  I did not realize this until many years after cell phones became common.  One job I held for a few years, I did a lot of data entry, inventory and stock replenishment.  The most common part number started with the same two digits as most of our part numbers did.  I reached a point that when the first two digits were entered the final three followed without a thought, because my hand was faster than my thinking, and the two were no longer in sync.
I needed to focus better! ADD! 
So I can state: I AM aware.
I AM also is representative of the Great I, or God, whom I think of as AWARENESS of everything and he gave me a portion of that awareness. God is omniscient..he knows everything, because he was first aware of nothing at all, the void or emptyness. Awareness has intellect.  This is based on, by human experience, intellect indicates intelligence, or the ability to think and rationalize, communicate, learn and teach, apply, build and innovate. This may be modified, as while I know these are all human traits, as a fact; I cannot prove so much that animals do or do not do some of these things.
I.e. think, rationalize, and apply. It appears that dolphins can, chimps, dogs, and cats.
Yes, they have instincts. But, all of them can learn, and follow the programming they learn. Which still could be largely instinct and muscle memory.  The must be aware, as they are alive, and move about, this is complex movement and coordination, learned and applied. And a bit of God as well.  God is omniscient, or aware of everything created. Science says things must be observed to be real...so it makes sense to me that awareness is a part of life, or organic matter, while it is living. As long as life endures,everything that is observed by life exists. ...to be continued.

[EmoVulcan]

On the verge of full waking, I had a sort of epiphany.

I am such a wreck, because I was not allowed to be my natural, untamed, wild child I was born to be.
but, God made me perfect::
How  can both of these be true at once?  This has been horrible for all of us.  The Crux of the matter is, who I became (body+spirit+mind. The Trinity) Is a composite of the formed body, awareness plus the software, or programming set.

Now, through use and abuse, that programming, which may not have been the most expertly done, was not for me,
Nor is anyone's instruction set given for the bodies best interests.  Hold up, the body comes with presets...the infant has one single alarm...to call the parental units to action on the infants behalf.  Babies cry.

The programming we internalized, as we grew up, became the self we present in public, and parts we keep to share in intimacy, (not sure I have truly experienced this) and the parts we buried or keep to ourselves.  The buried parts were unacceptable to others...so self perfect, has been rejected on all levels by who saw or interacted with the (bad) self.

I think that this is important to understand.  Emotions carry outside the body...all humans have empathy it is innate. Animals have this too.  How do I know this?  I feel my own pain, I cannot always interpret it or correct it.  Maybe I should not even be focused on correcting my emotions, as much as correcting the source, or addressing the source of such personal misery.
Yes the internal critic is one, in fact probably the easiest one to dismiss...God made me perfectly!  This is a basic established fact.  The human body is amazing!  It is a wondrous construction, and I had no part in its creation.  I merely
Was aware, a body is grown from two seeds made one. Then the third part of AWARENESS...just perhaps not of the self.

There is way too much idealization about human  interactions, in the reality of today's world. Divorce rates alone belie the fairytale princess rescued by knight, and happily ever after.  Ah now I cry.  To relinquish my happy thoughts of what might be
Hurts so bad, it wrecks me, body and crushes my soul.  This leaves me all so alone...hated, separated from others who once fit into my life.  They do not understand me, they will not try, too complicated...no too irrritating, they still believe the tales of perfection....so do not understand how people make the perfect imperfect, and the perfect try to be more perfect...to be acceptable....but that was rejected..and there is no reset...because the body has already been produced, including the chemical reactions meant to serve us through life as our guide and warning system to preserve life.

I see, I was taught to just stop. So I did.    My emotions were bottled up inside what parental units almost always desire...a miniature adult.  Yes, I know quite a few "mini mes" of other parental unit formation.  Then there is me,and people like me.
Are emotions so foreign to me, as to not be able to relate in meaningful manner to anyone else? yes I need others outside of myself.

I think I understand emotions better than most.  Others have no feelings it seems, as cruel and dismissive, sarcastic, and wounding action and speech they spew out.   Without care, and without doubt they set off depth charges sent to my heart.
I am full of that care and oh so much doubt.  Overwhelms me with compassion when I feel and see someone hurting like me. The physical reaction, is again to freeze..I want to reach out..I would want to be hugged but they are afraid of me.
I cannot be sure if a breach might be healed, or they may lash out, not at me but I am there and possibly they are not fully present In that moment.  Yes, I know these things from within myself. Wanting but never as close as could be. 

Always and never touching.  Always and never near. Always and never for me.  Always and never  you.  Poles and opposites.
Not the only degrees of a bubble.  There are an infinite range of possibilities to explore...shake up the bubble, make something wondrously new. 

The pon farr.  Not the best moment for Vulcan males loss of rational, lost in creative fire that destroys order with chaos.
I have said I am overdue for this, there has only been use and abuse from humans.  Not really endearing to me, nor were they interested in a relationship, and there is no balance in power tripping.  T'pring, Spocks intended came to their pon farr, cool, calm, rationally sterile.  She lacked desire for what she was already given.  She did use perfect logic to state her reasons for her choice. There was indeed, no love to be lost.  Spock would never be present, possibly but once in seven years!  And then,only perforce.  I need that flawless reasoning, I have it, clear seeing, clear thinking, clear action.
At times.  Mostly, at this point in my life the promises of my youth all dead and  broken.  I wonder about, what happened to me, for living God's rules, man's rules, sociatal rules(were they meant to be strictly followed, or broken?  No seriously I do not know anything except this is not right I am broken because I followed, or tried to, follow the right-i am plainly left)

So, today, the world appears as a negative to a photograph.  Claim such high lofty pedestals exist, yet no one may occupy except by popular choice.  Well, I don't want popularity, hero worship, or worse.  Just want the right, to live as I want, free of critical blame, for what the world sees, is not what is in fact evident.  They see something they want to see...and it is their brain that is at fault. No one is perfect, that is lie in belief.  In truth, from my spirit, perfectly made cannot be made perfect.
We are composites of three.  That is a prime number, perfect as is.

My inner child is truly all of Vulcan in one package.  I am all of humanity, in one package it seems.  But together, the possibilities may be endless...my spirit agrees .  so we are taught man and woman are Vulcan and human...but as separate and indiscernable entities, always and never war between us.  Always and never love between us.  But woman, I despair, was most divided against the self.

Service, passion , nurturing, healing, wisdom, unconditional love for her children.  The race would be over if not for us.

God, why did you cause us to hate on the female SO MUCH?

T'Pau allows a wan, wry smile toflit across her face.  Child, you are not seeing this properly, in logical sense. 
Woman is the hidden mystery.  Man has been covering her up to distance himself from what is missing in his life.
God is the light shining in the void, not to just see.  But to spot on a beautiful creature, designed most carefully.

Woman is the pleasure and beauty that all of us seek.  The Goddess was first.  Woman is Alpha, she comes into her own.
No, this is not to say men, not even Jesus Christ, are just omega...woman is also omega.  The story of Lilith contrasted with Eve.....each female is both, and so we struggle harder with a presplit identity.  Men want lillith for dal!ience, and Eve for life.
A truth of me.  I hope to share with my sisters, and start healing our schisms of good and bad- there need not be a choice so black and white...it is in the words, most often I heard in ghettos of poverty and strife.

"It's all good!"
 

Fe is iron!  Man is male.

I am Ironman   tempered by grace.

[EmoVulcan]

I am grateful for my seemingly few moments of clarity.  To read through my posts after considering different perspectives around the board,  I  know that I am somewhat manic now, it is a tremendous relief to know, that  I am not Imaging it (and the other shoe drops) I am nuts, but like Eminem, I am OK with that.  I have the knowledge it could be just for the manic run,
And I am still OK with that.  You see, it is such a relief to lose a ten ton weight. on the soul. The joy, endorphins, ah * no.
It's just being hypervigilence again.  That is the only me I really know. It is my ,'comfort zone, clarity of thought, and clarity of 'what is.' Uncolored by emotional attatchment.

A memory has arisen, my DM telling  stories about my sis and I.  The compare and contrast that (sigh) most every person does (a sure sign of natural competitive minds).  She was lamenting the fact, that my sister could work and wiggle her way around the dining room chair barricade, erected so kids were in the living room and she could get house stuff done.

I was the, no trouble baby, and infant I guess.  She would say she just had to put me in front of a mirror.  Now, is it freaking possible to bond with oneself?  I do know I am is most curious..oh.  This, old inner child laughing at me, I understand far too much now. I would have studied my face,  my movements, every little nuance I think.  Yes of course,  I AM will withdraw at more than one trauma causing fear or pain...Goddess would have no desire for less than bliss...I have always thought the purpose of life was to live free of ....man's rules.

I have been doing what I was meant to do.  If one believes such things...I guess i sort of do...been asking the questions, and with a child's most fragile and failing trust, been getting the answers all too clear.

I know some would say, that is how God feels...but God is AWARENESS to me, and I have ever been aware of me,  both inside and out.  I tell the truth, people believe I lie, but I have a conscience, a heart full of love, that is scarred now and hurts so bad...all I have done is love, everyone.  I really do separate a person and actions...I have some hatred for actions, OK slot.
But never the person.  I cannot even call names, I understand that pain...and the adult world cannot see children too well.
Having done everything possible to have children, not heard, and now not seen: for personal comfort.  No, it was not wrong of me to not hit my kids. Or to be an adult, even when nobody else even cared.  My hurts and pains came from realizing...people said they would be there, I missed that implied I whave not need them, as an adult.
I couldn't wrap my head around for a very long time. So need caused them fear, specifically my adult needs, which frankly, no adult knows they need help, until they actually do.
Now, I could have done all sorts of other things to alleviate my plight. Still could to this day.  But they would all be either illegal, or immoral and I got kid morals, or God morals I guess.  I was born introvert, left handed and female.  I was raised to be right handed, moral and traumatised..  Curiosity without empathy, is a most perilous thing...and that is the reason,  we have children who kill.  No emotional bond, not even with themselves.  I always have loved me,,,,I just was not allowed to be me it seemed.  But so long ago I asked so many questions within...I have most of my answers it seems...just lacked self esteem, no the confidence to state my self clearly at all.

Now I go back and forth, a lot of work I have already done, at least with the CSA, now I think, no I know I have to deal with my 1st trainwreck of 14 yrs, and my DS who passed, and I have not given nor been given freedom to grieve. People think I was the abuser,  and I wanted him safe...ah too cruel is this country to the sick and the ill. What happens to kids is a horror, the people either enjoy or ignore. Not a damn care in the public head for the sickness they indulge in.  Seriously, people could not figure that a pedo might look at schools for employment with benefits?  

Wow. And seriously,  Dance Mom's is about the adults more than the kids, and the kids are the new T and A, this should never gotten to be but well I do constantly note. .sense is UNcommon.  Boomers are all kids. And not any part of adult.
Someone was even sorry I am "dis-illusioned!". Um, yeah sorry I see the truth.  What does that make him? Delusional?
I got to go throw up now. 

[EmoVulcan]

Yesterday, was rough.  Epiphanies to mull, and a early warning to triggered hubby sent me out of his personal space, to the tent, where I spent some 24 Hours in and out of sleep, with this half awake processing going on in my head and  half lucid dreams, of the same.
Understanding that everything I could put in words, could be interpreted two or more ways.  People do not communicate well, and on the whole, there are some things that the web cannot convey; sarcasm is one.  Religions and philosophies, to me all agree that there really is one way for humans to live their lives, and that is the way healers do. First, do no harm.
That is it in a nutshell, which I know is but a seed. The simple philosophy of live and let live, that so few can employ.

I realized I am a sensitive person, I cannot deny my feelings, and I did not kill my empathy, just grew some personas to get by as best as I could.  I cannot stand all the misery I feel from people who appear unaware of themselves....AWARENESS again, there is a greater one we all share...and I apparently am tapped in, or not.

I cannot but accept what is, and put what was finally to rest, taking some lessons learned and burn up the things that keep me reliving such childhood pain.

I also realized there are some factual things in my life I cannot figure out, that are but coincidences, I think but I am going to try to put down the n words so I might see the truth and the lies in them.  It is disconcerting, and mysterious things I did by no means consciously choose, yet fall in the realm of magic and omens, signs and such things.  I do not know what to think of them, magic wars with logic, just like out of control emotions.

My hubby crawled in with me late in the night.  We cuddled and soothed, cried, and we slept.  We are two lost souls, attempting to anchor alee of the storm, there is no where for us to go, and we cannot stay here.  We can't hurt others, we cannot steal or leverage, lie to game benefits for ourselves.  Sad to be imprisoned this way. The way of this world we live in is to use up and toss aside.  Exactly how we feel like inside. Used up and tossed aside.  No answers are out there, none inside for life we depend on a compassionate source, far too hard to find.

Winter comes, rain is already here.  It is cold and damp, everything we own is as well. Some ruined I am sure...we just do not know what we can do...belief, faith, hope seem descends..but I can see no viable action that would increase our options.  I hope this is only depression, and some Ray of sun will appear, but right now the choices appear to learn some new age healing skills, and play on the coincidences that I recognize in my name, hubbies as well. Astrological charts and personality scores...they appear to align in ways that make me feel uneasy as so many things would be believed...like Obama and birth certificate as a scheme, I know I did not arrange to name me, nor the surname I married, it was chosen by hubby years before we met. To honor the man who raised him as if he were a natural son. My journey has led me to conclude my questions to universe, have been answered, I do not think there is much anger towards my father left, though others I may vent out on these forums....much needed and the only safety to voice them is here.

It's not acceptable to say things about how one truly feels, because the feeling is temporary, but hurting another in a fit of pique is transferring greater internal pain on them, and I know it is not a thing of fault or of blame.  Like I had three children, a miscarriage, too.  I did not want any, and all beat the odds on contraceptives, weather by my mistake, or God's intent, I do not know any more.

My blood sets me in such odds as well.  And sheer fluke that my children's father shared my lack of rh factors, so no trouble with my children and needing transfusions at birth...yes, a blessing that.  But my ex and I had to part, too angry was he, to hurt and a target was I.

Hubby and I are opposites, and compatible in intelligence and both dealing with C-PTSD, and we have the awareness and knowledge of some of those things that have us so twisted inside.  My memories go back to two, his not much further than seven.  That is the first trauma remembered.  I wonder about the -/+ blood thing. Batteries and energy exchanges, the matrix of things.

I have always believed everything happens for a reason. The thrust of my quest to understand all things human it seems.  All an attempt to understand how I could love a father, who inflicted such unbearable pain. And why that left me open to many in the same vein.  As well as things like emotions, and my own sexuality being abandoned in youth as too painful to feel or develop, and I think I bonded with myself, as strange as it seems, the baby in the mirror being my only best friend.

Still no answers to where I, or we may be going.

[seriousann333]

Wow! Interesting and insightful words. I can visualize about 10 movie plots with your posts.
I have come to realize that abusers unconsciously made attempts to tame my inner wild child because my wildness was percieved as threatening to societal norms. They thought they were successful. However there was a tiny fire still burning bright within me that was protected. It waited and it burned despite being encased in ice. The ice has melted, the feelings and memories of abuse emerged. The tiny fire grew and sparked and raged. Sometimes it was destuctive and needed powers to help harness it so it didn't consume myself and others. Now I can use it for good. I use the fire from years of abuse to fight for others who are being abused. Working with fire has its risks in that sometimes when triggered I lose control of its potential destruction. That's why I often retreat in order to gain control of it again. It's an ongoing process.

[EmoVulcan]

Seriousann333 
My multiple perceptions of multiple dimensions and parallel possibilities is becoming evident in my words. Lol 10 movie plots indeed, and I was thinking one measily ol' book.
I am going to use the fire,    I have some teaching to do, and make certain DS is not heading for C-PTSD himself.  I did get him counseling a couple of times.  Even relinquished the gotta know, he had a right to privacy, and I expected I had angry kids, they had reason.  But my own counseling I couldn't do, there was years worth, I could not afford. I am studying a dbt self help site, finding some helpful stuff there. Trying to figure how I am going to write my own story...,pattern of life, from one to infinity.  Lol,  need some of that focus.an ongoing process indeed.
I have been working on a story or article about the Feminine divine. And have this cool my story counter to history.  To bring past all up to present and forward, new age, state is 6. At one ment, revelations it all seems to juncture soon.  So weird to see that. Time to re unite the masculine and feminine, as in the mind, so in the world, so in the pattern.
I have some work to do. thank you.

[EmoVulcan]

So, I posted and wrote a bit about a mother, my heart says this I not anything like we would think about people, except on the subconscious layer.  This woman was sole caretaker for her child, dad gone and she lives in a rural area.  Her son had been becoming more aggressive, mom is at end of nerves, rope, energy, and hope.  She killed her child, and wrote a note, basically recognizing there was 0 chance her son would have a caretaker when she herself passed.  A few hours later she shot herself.
I am certain she was in extraordinary pain, her story comes so close to my own.  My kids saved my life, simply because they deserved much much better than life handed us. And they sure as * did not deserve to be left to an abusive father and uNGrandbitch.  AND I was afraid csd would ultimately take them from them, no way could I contemplate that..
It is one thing to contemplate suicide, however,to even think of taking out your child! She was isolated, people who knew her said she was quiet, did not reach out for help, or for support.  I think about my experiences, and I know,  she stopped calling, tired of excuses from her family and friends as to why the could not even listen to her event for a few minutes, could not spell her an hour to self-catering or maybe get something done she needed to do.  Maybe no one ever called her, except for bill collectors, drs and not many others.
Cannot work as sole caregiver, income from ssi is slim even for one, and gov agencies are impossibly time consuming, and soul sucking case workers who were unkind and suspicious of me...why is inot one ever even asked where baby daddy
was?  I felt abused by the state,  I needed to find full time work and be the world to my kids.  There are very few sitters that will take special needs kids, in my town that was 0.  So I went crawling back to abuse, to keep all of us going. Direction less nowhere through darkness and horror.  The foggy years with traumas still accumulating to all of us.  I remember thinking  I wished it could end.  The darker and deeper we went in.  There was this dark gloom that tried blotting out the sun.  Gridding along, kids and I : no time to process, too much no sleeping, thoughts of no resolution to end this pain, and get us all happy.
Yeah, I understand her.

[seriousann333]

I'm continually impressed by parents with cptsd. I have avoided having children because I fear my own mental state. I almost lost it in grad school. Fortunately I recovered. Also I work with teens. I do a lot of reparative work with them. I'm a mother figure, the mother I didn't have yet needed. I can't fathom being a mother full time. Maybe someday my husband and I will adopt. But not now. Perhaps when we can afford for me to work part time.

About social service people. I've been in the system and there are good people out there. Social workers removed me from an abusive foster home. Many enter the field for good reasons then can become burned out. The system being broken too can make workers hopeless and their approach towards vulnerable people suffers greatly. I want to help reduce burnout so we can provide better care to those who need it. Have you considered making a complaint?

[EmoVulcan]

 
Mourning my son, who passed of MD in 2003, just after the new year.  Feels like all I doo is cry over what amounts to loss of everything tangible and intangible.  I really hope hubby is right and someone somewhere is grateful for all I never had except as impossible dreams.