New member/Still learning

[seriousann333]

 
Hello brave people,
I've never belonged to an online forum before let alone sought support for cptsd. I'm not sure even how to indicate trigger warnings so I will be light on the details. My post is super long because I finally have the courage to share!
I didn't realize the magnitude of my childhood experiences until I was in my mid 30's. My cptsd started to manifest after I started working as an art therapy/mft trainee with veterans. I started to notice I was becoming deeply affected by their stories and symptoms of ptsd: anger, insomnia, nightmares, struggles to recover from triggers......and more. Then I began having symptoms which I assumed was vicarious trauma.

I was doing "odd" in the sense being odd for me: waking at dawn and wandering out into my foggy yard to stare at a dead tree and feeling like the dead tree, having panic symptoms at my job from feeling trapped as if I had been trapped before, ruminating about the vets and wanting to save them constantly. I decided it was time to see a therapist. During the screening they asked me about si. I said well I have no plan but sometimes wish I would go to sleep and never wake up or go back in time and convince my mother to abort me because I was mad at her for bringing me into the world so I would feel emotions as intensly as I do now. I was starting my thawing process. Emotions were overwhelming. Seriously. They still can be.

Then I started seeing a great therapist. I realized through work with him that it wasn't vicarious trauma. I was being retraumatized because I had ptsd. It was like a lightbulb going off for me. I didn't think I had it because I had been numb to my childhood and minimized the impact of my experiences to the point where other people thought I was high functioning. I remembered many of the experinces and talked about them to people in a very detached manner.I also experinced real and imagined abandonment after sharing my stories. Also a lot of pity. Pity is the worst for me!

Anyways, I began EMDR therapy and my therapist really had my back and was supportive. The EMDR was helpful and painful. The first phase of EMDR I had my first reexperiencing flashback complete with auditory hallucinations. It was so so scary. I was in full blown psychosis and my husband was there as I was sobbing. He held me while I hallucinated being 3 years old. I won't share now, major trigger potential.

I was really starting to make progress then my husbands insurance changed and I had to close with my therapist.
I was treading water while seeing a new older female therapist. She was ok. Honestly now I know I need male therapist because my traumas were the worst from female mother figures. Btw I have had 4 mothers from being a ward of the court, in 2 foster homes and eventually adopted by an abusive mother whom I believe has either bpd or narcissistic pd. 
So I was seeing an ok therapist, got work with teens at a group home. Treated like crap from my supervisor in an unsafe environment with little support. I began having delusional quasi spiritual visions about the place burning down. That was internal. Externally I was experiencing violent threats to my safety from the teens I was working with. I began acting out too at work by crying, tantrums, and being a jerk to my supervisors. I had nothing to lose, my ship was sinking while the building was burning in my visions.
The job fizzled. I got a new job, where I am at now. A safe and supportive job with teens. We do trauma focused art therapy and I LOVE my work. The only thing is that I am being retraumatized again. I have a lot of very serious cases. One in particular hits home too much. This one case is affecting me because he reminds me of myself. I am having symptoms of feeling sad, angry and helpless when he is showing symptoms. His mother and my mother are very similar. I have adoption fantasies of showing him what a supportive mother is. Yet he often dismisses my help and has refused therapy. I know consciously to not take his behaviors seriously. But my inner wounded child feels what he's feeling and wants to help so badly. My secret is that I know those feelings all too well. It's difficult to separate my feelings from his. They live in me. That's why I am here. I need support.
Thank you for letting me share. There's more to come. I have a passion for supporting others so please don't hesitate to seek support from me.
Seriousann333

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi seriousann333 

Thanks for your introduction post. It's been quite telling. 

I want to extend a warm welcome to you, and I'm looking forward to seeing you around the board.

Dutch Uncle.