New Member - first post online

[sleepingwolf]

Hey guys,

I've felt that I wanted to try with an online cptsd community for a while, and today I decided to write a post.

I'm a 27 year old male, living with a lovely partner, with a real nice job, trying to get a divorce from my 'wife', living for 2 years now with flashbacks and real emotional difficulty. I've had depression since I was 20/21, which went on for a few years until I had an experience around 2 years ago where I started to remember various odd parts about my childhood. I went and found therapy, which was a big help, but very quickly my ex-wife left me and cheated on me with my ex best friend. I lost my home, pretty much all my friends, and all money. I also haven't seen or spoken to my parents since then either.

It was a crazy 2 years, but a real turn around too. I felt a lot of grace, a lot of love, and I managed to get myself back on my feet. I feel now I can live quite well day to day. My depression isn't really present, and over the past few months I've actually felt real feelings of happiness and love, that have lasted for more than a few seconds. I've never felt those feelings before.

I'm still struggling in certain areas, still have good days and bad days. Overall I feel 'on the up' and quite blessed.

I'm wanting to connect more with people, to learn more, to share more, and thats what I'm thinking about online.

For what I have difficulties with now, I've put a list below:

- Constant disaccociation, through my eyes, like there is a mist or a lens infront of everything, that varies in thickness and intensity, but barely ever goes completely
- Large bouts of confusion
- Daily hallucinations, some nice, some scary
- Feeling constantly 'dreaming' or connected to that dreaming part, like never fully waking.
- Stress leaving my body in shakes and spasms (which I can control to some extent)
- Flashbacks

Thats about it for the main things I guess.

Thanks guys.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi sleepingwolf. 

to you for feeling 'on the way up' and blessed. Getting there is quite an achievement.  again.

As for the rest, I hope and wish this site and community may be an asset in working through that as well.

Welcome,

Dutch Uncle.

[seriousann333]

Welcome sleepingwolf
I really like your user name.
I'm new here too. I didn't start having symptoms until my 30's.
I understand the good and bad days. Some days I feel light and free. Then I'm triggered again and feel out of control internally. Lately I have been meditating which helps me. I ask a question and meditate until I find new insight or perspective. I recently had one where I asked why I get so pulled in by some of my clients (I'm a trauma focused art therapist/ mft intern). Then I came to the possibility of clients/triggers being teachers and guides. I am trying to ask myself what is this trying to teach me? It's been helpful.
Hopefully it won't wear off. I struggle with finding new ways to support myself and it wearing off or I become afraid.
Take care
Seriousann333

[sleepingwolf]

Thanks guys, thanks for the messages.

Yea, I'm looking forward to exploring the site more and contributing too, it seems really nice. 

seriousann333, thanks for your comments. I meditate too, using 'Headspace' online website, I couldn't recommend it enough. Its been a real help in turning myself around for a better outlook and perspective, plus its got me meditating every day now which is a really nice routine.
Your job sounds cool and really like a good thing to contribute and help with. It sounds difficult too, I guess you experience and hear lots of difficult things. Yea, I know what you mean about finding the teaching and the help. I feel more and more that you teach yourself internally, if you are connected to it like you are, and what that forms into or what shape that takes, is not so important. It could be learning from a book, from others in some form, from learning a craft, learning a recipe...whatever really. I agree it can be really scary when you're not sure of 'what is next', but I believe the next right thing will always come around, with a little patience.

Take care too guys

[Kizzie]

Hi Sleepingwolf and a warm welcome to OOTS.  I'm glad to hear things have turned around for you in the last two years, it's so wonderful to have more and longer positive feelings rather than just surviving isn't it? 

With respect to the symptoms you're having, are you seeing a therapist or have you mentioned them to your GP? There is quite a bit of information on the site about the symptoms so have a look around.  With the exception of the hallucinations, most of them sound like symptoms of CPTSD, but it's best to get some professional input if you're able to. 

Again welcome and all the best on your journey to recovery, it sounds like you're well underway 

[seriousann333]

Sleepingwolf
Thank you for your comments. I will check out your recommendation for meditation.

I appreciate your acknowledgement about the work I do being difficult. I often struggle and think I'm flawed when I'm having a bad day or get mad at myself for choosing a difficult path. The struggle is worth it though because I get to be in the presence of people healing and growing. I also get to witness the impact trauma has on people's lives and access wisdom from my traumas. Most of the time I don't get to see how the work I do impacts the teens I work with.

What provides me perspective is thinking about my work as planting seeds for future growth. The seeds planted along my journey came from empathetic social workers, one nice foster mom, wise teachers,  friends, animals, artwork, journaling. I look back with deep gratitude for those people and experiences.

Please feel free to share about the people or experiences that have positively impacted your healing process/journey.

Take care
Seriousann333