New Member - possible trigger in story

[AgandFe]

Hi, I'm new here, obviously.

I have been diagnosed with CPTSD for over a year now, and am in active therapy for it. I thought about joining a forum for a while now, but I've been building up to it.

My first boyfriend, when I was 18 was a sadistic psychopath. In the eight months I was with him, I was verbally abused, sexually abused, mentally abused and subjected to what my therapist calls "torture". He used to lock me in his basement, in the dark, and hunt me with kitchen knives for fun. He would play the Rolling Stones so that I couldn't sleep, and I was not allowed to eat more than I had to to stay alive.

Even after all the therapy, my heart races just typing about it.

My memories are jumbled and fragmented, not linear. For years I convinced myself it simply didn't matter, when I could, I pretended that it didn't happen. I got medical attention and lived in a fog for two or three years, the fog was punctuated by bouts of rage.

I was sexually assaulted, on two separate occasions, after that, by strangers.

I was convinced that it was because I was somehow bringing this on myself. How could one person have so much happen to them and have it not be their fault, after all?

I refused to dwell on them, though. I just kept forcing myself through life until I couldn't anymore. I became very, very depressed and attempted suicide.

I was treated for depression, but because I was terrified to speak of the abuse, I was never told about C-PTSD. After all, I thought only soldiers got PTSD, I didn't think my abuse and torture was severe enough, and I never thought about it, anyway.

After marrying a woman (I literally could not get close to men) who subjected me to more emotional abuse, I got out and divorced her. I started to get help, and decided to talk about all the abuse, finally. I was promptly diagnosed with severe C-PTSD and I've been working on it since.

I'm glad I found this place, thanks for reading.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi AgandFe 

What horrible things have been done to you.  I think your therapist put the right word on it. Terrible.

I was convinced that it was because I was somehow bringing this on myself. How could one person have so much happen to them and have it not be their fault, after all?

A yes, I can relate. The truth is, we didn't bring it on ourselves. Not easy though, to learn to grasp that thought, no? For me it's a job to remind myself of it. It's been getting easier over time though. 

I'm glad too you found this place,
Welcome, 
Dutch Uncle

[Atticus Finch]

Thanks for sharing this. You sound like you can be very strong and are learning how to stay safe. Kia Kaha, let fear keep you strong. Your terrible confinement experience has a lot of similarities to what child "S" in my preceding post experienced, but theirs lasted around 6 weeks. Confinement, torture, death threats, sexual abuse, acting out killing scenes. S feels like they will never have a happy life, but I know from others sharing their life experience that they in fact can, though dips may occur at major life stages.

I just read that happiness is not something you can get directly. It comes as a side effect of things which stretch you in positive ways. You have given me some small hope that child S will eventually stretch their life forward as you seem to be doing.

[arpy1]

just want to add my welcome, AgandFe well done for making the step to join us. so sorry you have had to go through so much - hope you find the support you need here in whatever way works for you. 

[AgandFe]

Thank you, everyone! It's awful to talk about it, but it is nice to be able to talk about it with people who actually understand what it's like to live with these memories, and how they elbow their way into the present every single day.

I'm kind of shy, I don't know how much I will post, but it is a good feeling to join.