this EF has got too much to handle...

[arpy1]

i have crashed and burned this week becos of the flashback triggered on Monday by my GP suggesting he could refer me to the NHS psych. services for ptsd as a way in to some kind of trauma therapy.

i am shocked by the force of this one. the terror has totally overwhelmed me.  i recognise that it is to do with powerlessness and i recognise the root of it... but this time none of that has seemed to help me to wind it down.
i have over the last three days been variously: weeping uncontrollably in abject terror; lying comatose in my bed sucking my thumb which is something i haven't done for fifty years; feeling sick; feeling like my mind has unhinged itself and gone out of control; wishing i could die (i will never put that one into practice btw); feeling totally despairing; being unable to concentrate, or to settle to anything, or do anything, or eat anything;  just feeling total panic rising up all the time ...

i have tried doing the management steps and this one has overwhelmed all my newly learned strategies.  i can't seem to get a handle on it at all, it just keeps on rolling.  i have emailed my GP and put off deciding about the referral for a couple of weeks and that's fine, he's cool with that. but even doing that hasn't done the trick. 

any ideas anyone?  feel like i am losing my mind here.

[Dutch Uncle]

No practical ideas, dear arpy1...

though.
And you are not losing your mind, I can assure you of that. 

[Kizzie]

Wow Arpy, it certainly struck a huge raw nerve for you and no wonder, younger from the sounds of it you flew back into the past when you did not have any control and life was *   

Perhaps it would help to just keep saying to yourself (younger you?) in as soothing a voice as possible that you you will keep her safe because you are in control now. It's simplistic I know but I found if I said things like that over and over and rocked back and forth when I had an EF, it really would sooth younger me. 

I hope you are able to bring down the EF soon.   

[arpy1]

possible triggers*

this one is still going on    i realised this morning.  i have been feeling so depressed and so frustrated and despairing and hating and fighting those same feelings, thinking that i should be making progress and here i am back to wanting to die again... till this morning i thought 'i'll have a  read of Mr Walker and see if there's anything that will help'.

at random i read the bit about self-abandonment, the 'abandonment melange' as he describes it of fear, shame and depression... and i realised that this is exactly what i have done, exactly where this whole flashback triggered by the ptsd referral decision has led me. and i didn't even realise.  the panic feelings had sort of gone underground. i had got back into feeling guilty and ashamed of myself for feeling all the frightened and panicky emotions so i'd pushed it all back inside and fought it as i always have... and then couldn't cope with how i felt so bad.  i was essentially abandoning myself in the process. so of course i was back into the longings about ending things. 

i know i will never do it, but i totally failed to recognise that i was  still in the same flashback and that was where they lead me if i can't manage them.  then i read it in black or white, chapter one, right there.

when the survivor catches himself in a suicidal reverie, he will benefit from seeing it both as an emblem of how much pain he is in and as a sign of a particularly intense flashback.

and i thought ' oh, i am still in it'. like it was a revelation.

there is so much pain inside me lately. i have been fighting it and fighting it, until i thought, 'why am i fighting this?' and i remembered something Woodsgnome said in a post about just accepting what you're feeling... so i have spent a long time sobbing and sobbing for all the pain and the terror and the aloneness. and for the fear of needing or asking for support and of being screwed again.

i don't know, still can't make a decision about the referral.  should i just forget it for a while, or should i go against the fear and do it? i just don't know. but two weeks in this EF storm just over the idea of it makes me think maybe i should actually give it a miss.  i am all too good at doing the undo-able, bravely facing what i can't face, coping courageously with the un-cope-able... this is the training i have had over decades of having to do those things, of being trapped in situations where i had no choice but to cope. this was an imperative that was at the foundation of my life. but does it mean i have to obey it? i just don't know.

[no_more_fear]

arpy1,

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Looking at your posts is so heatbreaking because I know how terrifying the deep-level FB's can be. I'm so glad that you got some relief from reading Pete's book. If I find the reason for what's happening to me, I too feel that relief. I just wish I could always remember this stuff because when I enter a similar EF a few days/weeks later it's like I can't remember the possible reason why, even though I've read through most of the book countless times.  I suppose it's that hijacking of the amygdala.

Have you been able to accept to a large degree then? I find that no matter how many times I encourage myself to accept, I invariably end up resisting again. I'm wondering if there's some magic button I should be hitting to 'accept'. Did you find that crying helped reduce the intensity of your FB? Great if it did.

I too am hugely triggered by anything to do with mental health. I was actually referred to the mental health team by my GP just last week. I received a letter today confirming my appointment. I was the one who asked for it though. But I remember a few months ago during an appointment he told me that I was mentallly ill and it tumbled me into a huge EF myself, so I know what you're going through.

As to whether you should go ahead with this, I'm not sure. You definitely shouldn't make a decision until you're in a better emotional state. People in bad emotional states make bad decisions. So wait and think about it. The problem is that this is obviously a  triggering mental process for you, so even thinking about it is likely to spiral you into further EF's. With that in mind I think you should ask for things to be put on hold and come back to it in a few moths and try again.

[arpy1]

thanks for replying, no-more-fear, it means a lot that someone gets this.  it all feels so confusing and so frightening when you're in the middle of it. 

I suppose it's that hijacking of the amygdala.

oh yeah, i forgot about that. i guess that's exactly what happened, isn't it? higher reasoning capacity off-line, lizard brain in command again.  god, it's bloody miserable

Have you been able to accept to a large degree then? I find that no matter how many times I encourage myself to accept, I invariably end up resisting again.

no. i don't think so, to be honest. unless it's a totally obvious and not very intense EF, i'm like you, i generally resist till i am overwhelmed again.  it's just i have gotten overwhelmed to an unusual degree this time.

i don't know if crying helped to reduce the intensity of the flashback; it certainly was deep gut-wrenching, to the point where i had to remember to take a breath now and then.  don't often cry like that. so exhausted afterwards i've just slept away the entire afternoon. dreamed of the JP of course, as i seem to do every time i shut my eyes. i feel calmer, i think. but very low and sad. 

i think that what this has keyed into is the deep betrayals of trust that have occurred in my life over a long period by people whom i trusted with my life; in the cult, in my marriage, in the cult again the second time, and then also, with the two T's i had this last year.  it seems that i have misplaced my trust or placed too much of it in entirely unsuitable people. - just becos they seemed to care or said they loved  me and were there for me... and i was desperate to believe them becos i was so needy.  it's like i have no ability to discern and no trust in my instincts when i do discern, like with the last T, whom i never felt comfortable with.  couple that with the deep shame for feeling needy in the first place, and i am totally f.....d it would seem....

i am coming down to the same thought about the referral, i.e putting it off for a while. maybe till after xmas or something.  trouble is i am frightened that the opportunity for free help will disappear and when i go back to it, someone will have cut the funding or something.  i see the GP tomoro. i guess i will talk to him about it.

anyway, nmf, i really appreciate your feedback, it helps enormously to feel heard and know i am not on my own. 

[no_more_fear]

Hi arpy1,

I'm sorry this EF has been so deep and I'm really glad my message helped a little bit.

I wanted you to know never to blame yourself for trusting the wrong people. You're fragile at the minute, so it's completely understandable. Similarly I had a T who really messed me up. I don't know if she was a bad person per-se, but her approach wasn't correct. She was encouraging me to indulge in all my behaviours and also told me EF's weren't real. I knew it wasn't working with her, but it took me months to extricate myself from the situation. I wanted it to work so badly. What I''m trying to say is, don't be hard on yourself, this is a huge learning curve for us, so we're bound to have issues with trusting the wrong people. You do have the ability to mke good decisions, it's just that when you're in an EF you can't see things clearly. At least, that's the case with me. Work on staying grounded. Make a mental note of what you see, hear, feel, taste and touch. Being grounded is all that's saving me right now. Try and countrol what you're focusing on as well and try and observe, rather than be caught up in, the EF.

How are things today? I hope this EF has ebbed a bit.

Thinking of you.

nmf 

[arpy1]

thanks, nmf, it's a better day today.

i made myself go to the gym, which is so boring  but always does me good regardless. then i even went to the library and though i then just wanted to run home, instead i went and got a starbucks and sat and read my book for a half hour just to feel like i had made an effort to do something nice for myself.  i  am glad i did, tho i will probably have to have a kip in a bit to get over it!! it is so hard to do even these simplest things, isn't it, but it is good to try, i think.

thanks for what you said about your bad T experience; i guess i feel so stupid sometimes, so naive and needy - and i am hard on myself - trained over many years to be so.  i was reading today in the Pete Walker book about developmental arrests, and i tick all the things he lists. i have begun to feel angry when i think just how much damage the cult leader did to me, and this morning, i felt it again - indignant that such a person had so much power and went unchecked for decades.. the damage he did to so  many people and his memory is almost venerated - it makes me sick! 

i know people say it's good to get in touch with the anger etc but i really don't know what to do with it, i have nowhere to put it, and no possibility of vindication, apology or redress. that makes it kind of sterile, if you see what i mean.  i know anger is energy and i should be using it to do something constructive but i can't seem to get motivation and i have lost my confidence to do anything..  i think it really is a question of trying, like you suggest, to keep grounded and in my body, and hope that things improve as i keep trying to manage the flashbacks.

thanks again for caring, dear nmf, i really appreciate it. hope you have a good day too 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Arpy
Thank you for sharing it has helped me tonight as I've been in ef this week -
As I am pretty new to understanding what on earth happens to us in ef your sharing has helped me understand some more -
I get the same spiral that u describe - it feels like * - no where to run - I have started having some compassion towards myself ( which has been severely if not absent in the past - so that's something

Another thing id like to share which may help u is doing something physical ( walker calls it somatic healing ) could be exercise .. Yoga ... Stretching ... Swim ... Meditation ... Anything to help us get back in our body more - it helps me ...
I get so mind identified in ef - anything to counteract that provides some relief is v welcome

Today I have realised just how much cptsd is a mental health problem ... I feel as I have brain damage

Every night I am going to bed with a teddy bear ..

Re therapy referral
My experience is with the right therapist who is qualified to deal with cptsd there is every chance to have a positive experience .. Walker talks about finding the right therapist in his book
It seems helpful to fully remember you are in control of what u say yes or no to -- even if the flashback is bringing up different emotion to that
You could express to any service just how triggering the thought of it is and see what comes back in terms of understanding
I am in the uk too and I self referred ( at gp prompt ) to a  psychology service run by NHS I was very luckily assigned lead child trauma therapist and she was nothing short of brilliant - I felt a trust and a comfort with her - we worked together like 2 adults there was v little delving into the past it was working with my present experience - I learnt a lot and healing happened - if I could I'd hire her forever
Maybe do a bit of ground work as to 'does anyone at the PTSD service specialise in cptsd ie child trauma because for you - you need specialist help not broad PTSD help I would say

I wouldn't suggest you not go for the right help if that is presented - we can't live like this on our own we need specialist help and support to help us along to grow

I'd also recommend learning some effective breathe work see something like transformational breath or other type of breath work - I go to a circle it is £10 for the evening and I find that I can get right into my body and it releases stuff mentally and emotionally - it is quite wonderful
It me now helping me in my daily life esp with ef and the intensity of that experience

I don't think walker talks much on the actual 'stress part of our disorder - in terms of how it feels and what we experience physiologically - but I may be wrong on that !

I send u best wishes and that u get what u need to aid the difficulties -
We are safe even though it does t feel it -