New guy

[spemat]

Possible Triggers: Emotional, physical and sexual abuse, psychiatric disorders in childhood, chemical abuse, gaslighting, perpetrator deaths, suicide of family member, role reversal toward perp

Hi, I am Matt and I am a 35 year old male who has been through so much that it is best to go by age.  I can't not thank goodness I had a grandmother in my life who although moved away at around the age of 8 was the only thing in life that I believed to her meant that I mattered.  She and I were the only ones who spoke German in the family and I was her first born and my father is from Dresden and he left my mom a year after me and I later found out it was due to an abortion although she said he was a "monster" later on.  My mom had a breakdown in one of her "new me" modes and she was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder but claimed it was a misdiagnosis from her life experience depression because being a social worker made her in denial.  My aunt has it too but she abuses what she learned in DBT.  In fact the term "trigger" made me think of her because she made everyone walk on eggshells with her abuse of that concept.

They both did drugs but my grandmother said my mom was unbearable and kept him with the sibling she later aborted to get rid of him.   She was apparently miracle mom then and got back into the Catholicism and married my stepdad and made him adopt me which is when I found out I wasn't his but my grandmother was around a lot then so I didn't care.  My mom had a kid with him who grew up a lot like her.   I was always a hyper kid but a family trait came out at around 7 or so and that was these elevated summer moods and I was tested and put on a mood stabilizer, then because still hyper, later Dexedrine tablets.  I hated them but that was when I stopped having feelings.  Around the same time, I was passing the XO and heart notes to boys and girls I had crushes on so I grew up experiencing being bisexual in society and felt like I never existed.

My mom was the martyr at mass and lugged me around like I was just a doll.  If I fed into her mood, I would either get overmedicated or she'd rage and beat me.  Her carrying on about her "disabled but gifted kid" to everyone to hear how hard she has it was how a family friend abused me for years and when the report was founded and after the police interviewed me my mother said I was genius and manic so it seems real and the dropped the charges and he was my neighbor at that point.  I stopped taking meds when I could and got the beat by both.   Everything I experienced was attributed to bipolar disorder.  I was always AP and at the top of my class and the response was, I was manic and that's why.   I was aloof until high school and I ended up dropping weight and getting into the goth scene which made them think I was depressed although I avoided meds as much as possible.  I actually took the antidepressants and got manic,  I was dating everyone I could and I used to go to concerts with 25 year olds I dated all the time and the only time it wasn't eggshells and beatings or berating was when I was manic because I would verbally abuse her back like my brother did all the time back and forth.  He hit me once and we started abusing each other and he was homophobic to me but always looked up to me when I was with girls.  They all hated me and couldn't wait to get rid of me and my grandmother, who has the same mania thing that she always had level after a certain.  My brother and 7 of his friends got me drunk with a slipped mickey and all raped me and I beat him and not too long I was out.  I used to use a lot of different drugs.


Adult major relationships
Two bad relationships: She was so bad that I couldn't handle it.  I decided to apprentice and become a cosmetologist which I was good at but when I was known because I dated a guy and was with her, they were callous as bullying is common in that field.  The guy I dated then beat me when he was manic and cocained out

Two good ones: Fiance, were in love, both wanted to get married, she got pregnant, miscarried and she left after awhile.  Him, he was in a car crash, I loved that dude because he was at my level sexual orientation wise, bisexual and really contend not being either after the TBI, he became cruel.

At around 2006, my grandmother was on her death bed and mom and aunt were like vultures, she got the court to give her conservatorship and robbed me blind then I spiraled into a manic episode and my grandmother died and I got so manic it was like paranoid schizophrenia.  My mom and her partner both hated me as did her partner's son.

I moved away from them in 2007 after my episode and managed to get myself a place and in college and a good job interpreting summits in farsi in various places in the world.  In 2011, my mom ended up in the hospital because obesity a bad back and chainsmoking did a number on her.  She emailed us and didn't wait 15 minutes before sending another one claiming she hated us and that "the worst thing she did was give birth to two of the most narcissistic sociopaths on the planet".  I developed a flat reaction to avoid it with her so I "never cared".  She died and my brother showed up at her partner's place with the u-haul 2 hours later and he put a restraining order on me for bipolar disorder because we used to fight.  I wanted the pictures of my grandmother but I didn't bother.  I had 2-3 little crying moments but not for long

My stepdad killed himself and after the hate and abuse I didn't care.  I felt intellectual empathy and understood his ways different.  I found myself liking the shooting and fishing and whatnot but he lifted me up by my neck and I hit him back.

I have the opposite of some symptoms, I remember every last detail and I have learned to flatten my emotions from that.  I also realized my mom was sick at the time I was hospitalized because she worked there and actually caused drama and was "staff splitting" which is a term for borderline behavior to get her lunch break with me because she didn't want the inconvenience of having to drive a couple blocks to visit.  She picked the psych she wanted me with that time and the doctor told me that my mother diagnosed me already that she is disregarding her because I am sure they had her pig.

I have numerous relationships just brief ones or for specific things.  I never trust anyone or their motives.

Therapists can't stand me because I leave the first time they call my Dr. and claim I am "getting manic" over an argument. 

It is isolating and friends are weird because I have zero feeling about them using me and I use them.  And when they say anything, I assume they lie until they prove it.   When I get manic people love it at first.  I want a kid but with someone so different so I don't end up with a mom or brother. 

I worked as a German tutor but was tired of the lack of desire and these were grad students.

Now I am a legal assistant because I want to go get a masters in mediation and arbitration and lawyers want more money so they litigate and this accreditation is international etc.   So I like being alone now. 

So that is me, And I am always also unsafer where I live thinking people are going in my house.

I could go on and on.   I am glad I found it.   Oh and when I first felt guilt before my grandmother's death was coming I couldn't handle it and I miss her.

I am still diagnosed with bipolar I disorder and ADHD but just PTSD.   

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi spemat 

That's quite a history you have had. A lot has been put on your plate. 
Thanks for sharing, it's a compelling story.

I hope and wish you'll find a place here to share struggles of past and present, and that doing so may aid you in recovery.
It must be a complex mix for you to have these three diagnosis, and I commend you for having sought treatment for them.  Medication has been helpful to/for you, I've read elsewhere, and I hope and trust you'll find additional tools and practices here to help you along the way.

Welcome,

Dutch Uncle

[Kizzie]

Hi Spemat and welcome to OOTS.  Thank you for posting a warning about possible triggers, that's very considerate.  I am so sorry for all that you have gone through and are going through in your life, sometimes it seems like it will never stop I know   

Coming here though is a great step to take for yourself, talking about things with people that understand can make such a difference. It doesn't matter that you have not been officially diagnosed with CPTSD - all that matters is that you see yourself in the symptoms. Is it possible you could talk to your GP or therapist about CPTSD now that you know about it?  Many of us find we have to educate the professionals in our lives as it's not as well known as it should be in medical circles. 

In any event, glad you found your way to us and I hope you find the information and support helpful