finally facing CPTSD

[Oakridge]

I have reached a point at age 64, where i finally understand my mental issues having come across information on CPTSD. Doing extensive research about it, i was stunned at how completely it represented me and helped me understand why many traditional therapies by themselves were not very helpful. So, my challenges are several. First, there are the early life traumas starting from 4 to 13 years old at the hands of my caregivers at Catholic school/church, and the benign neglect of my parents, particularly my mother, whose religiousness overload her parenting instincts. I only learned that in my 40s before she died when one night while visiting she confessed that when i was in elementary school she watch as my spirit died a bit more every year of those nine years and she didn't do anything about it. Following these years, i realized as a teen that i was gay, which according to my religious community meant i was going to burn in * for ever. Of course, this knowledge didn't stop me from investigating this side of myself, so i started a boy romance with my closest friend during my teens. Sadly, later in my teens this boy had a psychotic break and brutally murdered his family and tried to harm me. All these things/traumas produced a mess of person advancing into adulthood. While i was overall successful in life on the outside, i was constantly struggling with self-loathing and self-destructiveness on the inside. I am still in some ways. As i mentioned, i finally upon learning about CPTSD understand the bigger picture of what i am facing and am devoting myself to solving my issues through therapy and meditative practices. I am noticing as i face it all head on, that my dysfunctional behaviors, such as drinking too much at times, are getting worse. I am also noticing that i am having some of my best and most content days in life at times. It's a crazy split So i am on this site now as part of this journey and to feel less isolated due to my CPTSD.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi Oakridge 

What a history you have had. It's heartbreaking to read what you have had to go through.
I hope and wish you will find this a place where you can share your experiences, past and present, and feel part of a community of people who have had so much similar experiences and are working through them like you are. Each in our own way.

I am also noticing that i am having some of my best and most content days in life at times. It's a crazy split So i am on this site now as part of this journey and to feel less isolated due to my CPTSD.

The crazy split is a thing many of us share, and I hope and trust you'll find this place a refuge for sharing both sides, the good and the bad.

Welcome,

Dutch Uncle.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi oakridge thank you for sharing -
I totally relate to the split - and that recovery is exploring and healing the middle ground ..
I too lately have had the best days and very hard days and it shows the emotional regulation problems that are described in c PTSD .. Peter walkers book is often recommended here 'from surviving to thriving ' and I have got much identification from it already - both with regard to symptoms and symptom management and healing
Meditation is a practice that helps me too and I do it daily now for mental and emotional re setting
Addictions have been a prevalent part of my story and I now am addiction free - alcohol added greatly
To my problems - not sure if u are on a unmanageable scale but I shall mention AA if u need a meeting
Self hatred has also been a big part and it seems to be lifting somewhat - I did work with child trauma therapist which was very good

Wishing u all best wishes on the next phase of your recovery and exploring what u need and what helps you

[seriousann333]

I'm new here too.
I understand the split. The days where I feel confident. But then it shifts to feeling small and invisible again.
Glad you're reaching out for support. It's a brave thing to do.
Seriousann333