Tentatively hopeful

[EmoVulcan]

I think there may be triggers, new to this terminology that resonates with me, maybe my ic too.  I been on a life path that has felt so not "my life," as to be surreal, all too real, all too unbelievable, that I often wish to wake up from this never ending nightmare...to no avail.  I now believe I have spent two thirds of my life in efs, only having some momentary periods of relative peace.  Strangely enough, I guess I appear functional and composed...I stuffed emotions by parental demands, I compartmentalized multiple sa from multiple assailants from age 5 until I was 17.  Married an abuser, adding new verbal, and emotional abuses.  Our first son was diagnosed with MD, within the 14 years of that marriage I was in a constant crisis, with a controlling abusive spouse abspecial needs child, as second with ADHD and a daughter who was possibly lost in the turmoil for lack of time on my part and care on her dad's.  I volunteered for scapegoat when the only help the state could supply was for csd to take my son from us...I could not care for him, trailers can not qualify for state assistance for access reasons, and even with my trust issues...tried to believe this was best for him.  I was dissociated through the hearing, stripped of my son, and labled a neglectful mother.  Denied visitation and contact, and suddenly avoided like the plague by CDs after that.  My son died 4 years later, of an urinary tract infection from a catheter...I could not make a trip across country for his funeral and haven't been able to grieve. 
Divorced, children grown. One more abusive relationship, and then a second marriage, to a man who now is either ea or something.  He has struggles tho, seems in denial about something.  We have some unique issues...we truely love each other..but he is promiscuous...and I tried, but now know that triggers me.
And then there is the rage that threatens to escape...no I am not safe to let it...I
We live in a tent,  I cannot even contemplate another attempt at employment, I have to put on faces, I cannot do this anymore.  The only emotion is tears...and I am sick to death of them.  I have accepted many many things that are fact, but I never could understand how the world seems to make me responsible for being abused and programmed for self and others to abuse as they know who I am, and supposedly I know who I am too...um not so much, if I missed this ef thing so completely...that explains the confusion in my meltdowns.  Conversely, I have yet to be able to blame my father, son of an alcoholic.  I can't even speak to my foo about this, for I feel such extreme disappointment from them that I am not successful at anything but drama and strife, and I feel like they do not hear me, or recognize my pain as they happily detail their upperclass life, that seems shallow and contrived to me.  Then they are religious, and I left religion as it seems a bit of my problem..the objectification and shaming of women as originator's of sin just sends me over the rail, when its males who dragged me into the moral quaqmire I experienced there.  Right now, I am detached and rational...but that changes like the weather...just the eye of the storm.  I cycle from thinking to feeling often.  Maybe I can figure out my ic...she's back in a corner wide eyed and catatonic...I have no clue how to reach her...but she has my attention now.  Btw..my spouse asked me if I was buying into this cptsd...he thinks I should be all better now,  I know I am not, but want to be...and yet stuffing and hypervigilence feel normal...and rocking...how I soothe I think...but it annoys me, because I think I must appear autistic a lot.
Forgive my blather,  I am a bit terrified right now. Hi

[arpy1]

hey Emovulcan, just like to say welcome to the forum. sounds like you've had a horrible time. i hope you are able to find a bit of support here, loads of people will be able to relate to what you've shared. have a trawl around the site, there's a lot of stuff that helped me, resources etc. one thing is, it might take a while but there is a way through this. 

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi EmoVulcan, 

What a history you have had.     My condolences for the losses you have suffered. That must have been so hard.
Great of you for reaching out,    and I hope and wish you'll find this a place to share and where your "tentative hopefulness" may bear you some fruit.

Welcome, and feel free to 'blather about'... It's been long enough that you, and us, have not been at a place where we could simply speak up/about what we have endured.


Dutch Uncle.

[Multicolour]

Hi,
I'm new here too and wanted to say that there is still so little acceptance and understanding of CPTSD, it's a disabling illness like any other. And I also wanted to say you are not responsible for the abuse, no matter what this society makes you feel. If a child jumps up and down yelling "abuse me!" they are still not responsible for the abuse. Adults who choose to abuse children are wholly and completely responsible for the abuse, no matter what.

But the society we live in does not hold the abuser responsible. If it did we would have counselling and housing for survivors, because the damaging effects of the crime of child sexual abuse would be recognized. Society would take responsibility for failing to protect its children, and care for those who survived the crime. But it doesn't, and as a result you are living in a tent, which is awful. you deserve proper housing.

The disabled community fought to put in ramps so that those in wheelchairs could get to school or work: I think what we need is for enough of us to get strong enough to demand that workplaces are accessible ( meaning workplaces that are sensitive, understanding, and stomp on bullying) to those of us with CPTSD.

And that governments stop abrogating their responsibilities to care for those they failed to protect from sexual assault as children. Ignoring the damage and leaving people homeless is a symptom of governmental victim blaming.

[EmoVulcan]

Thank you all.  I have been searching for some where, all my life.  And just now coming to realize I may be sane in an insane world.  I need a reality shift bad.  Because of the reading I have done here, I know what I suspected is largely true, and I am not unique.  I have been isolated, but not alone...and there is assurance I can finish figuring me out instead of splintering out of existence.  I hate feeling lost and groundless. Alone even in a crowd...and so stuck inside my own broken record dreamland.   It does trouble me about my hypervigilence state though, because I tend to be productive, and capable again.  I like it.
I think I may have much perhaps to offer, and now realize I need a T, and that is going to be a struggle alone.  I do not even know how to prioritize, anything...and been stuck having what little I got leveraged for a sleeping spot.  I am  a supposed genius who is feeling pretty useless of late, cannot seem to even help others, unsure if it is perception, or they are being unreasonable. I just have lost hope lately, and the rollercoaster  ride is in force, I want off.   
I was thinking last night, nobody has been kind to me, nor as capable of comprehending me as you three are, I almost was afraid I was hallucinating out of desperation.  I cried a lot reading these posts, and stories. I Have so far to go, but it now seems possible and I am afraid my hope is too huge...
I started feeling the unfairness of so much baggage and no where to drop it and leave off with it, and see if I might be able to move easier without it.  Seems to own me, rather than the other way around...because I did not want it, and it disappeared me.
Anyhow, 

[Jdog]

EmoVulcan-

A warm welcome to our forum.  Sane in an insane world, yes you very well may be!  There are reasons to hope and people upon whom you can rely here.  You sound very courageous, and I congratulate you upon your ability to withstand so much in the face of terrible circumstances.

There are deep, kind places within you that show themselves in your writing.  Use them as a starting point.  Don't give up.  Keep writing and we will be here.