Upset this evening

[Boatsetsailrose]

I am staying with my father at present for the wk end -
I want to be a daughter - his behaviour makes it difficult - it hasn't been an easy day at all ---
He now doesn't live with my mother (bpd type ) I don't know what type he is ? Narc / aspergers possibly -
He was abused and controlled by m also and in a lot of ways it's like he is a brother rather than a father -
Today whilst we were in the house his behaviour was so similar to m it was weird - obsessive like she is / concerned about things that she used to be / being negative towards me with what seemed my every move - lack of boundaries
I said to him 'your making me feel comfortable keep giving a commentary on what I am doing -
He then left me more alone for the rest of the day...

Tonight we went to his local and his behaviour escalated - he goes into ego weird mode in those environments - it's like he turns into this ego driven show off in front of his 'mates ' . He put his arm around me when he saw his friend across the bar and made a point of gripping me and smiling at his mate -( his friend doesn't k is me )  I felt like his trophy and that he was acting like I was someone ' a the mystery women - -  his girlfriend
This sounds somewhat imaginary but it was how it felt and also he has done this type of behaviour before eg when his friend asked if I was his girlfriend and he then didn't give an answer -
So we then go over to his friend ( this evening and he tells him I am his daughter and then points at his friend and says 'ahhh in a 'got you kind of a way
I felt angry - I know this stuff too well from the past and I wanted to say something but it didn't feel right time as he had alcohol in him
Later on to add insult to injury his friend made a comment of me being beautiful
What a bloody day - I am now in bed and got tearful -
I know he is mentally unstable and all the other ways he is annoying / difficult to be around I can deal with but this behaviour I cannot -
I will need to speak with him and put the boundary in - when the time is right

[Dyess]

That may be easier said that done, but you can try. Just realize with his MH issues it just may not be possible for him to grasp what is being said. It's a tough situation for sure, and a heartbreaking one. Wish you the best and you know we are here for you.

[Kizzie]

   Boats, it sounds like a tough day.  Boundaries do help a lot.  My NPD M never really understood them and kept pushing, but I didn't give an inch once I learned that if I did she would take a mile.  She doesn't understand boundaries, but she knows my 'rules' and abides by them now. Makes life so much easier for me  and easier for her as she wasn't hitting a brick wall anymore (me). 

So set your boundaries and stick to them as much as possible.  Your F may not understand and may keep pushing, but if he's like my M eventually he will get tired of the dance and just go with them.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank you
Was a tough day yesterday and glad today we are spending the day with my Granma

Indeed quote  ''may not grasp 'it '- it is good to remember that - I've never been able to change either of my parents. - they are what they are - unwell people
I need to speak up ...When the time is right -
Maybe it will be I don't go to those environments with him - that may be the very protection I need
-
Was so angry - I felt like a piece of meat - those 'men' have no respect for women it's sickening -
There in their 60s / 70s and never grown up

But it's not about them it's about me and my integrity -

[Dyess]

Yes, it is and sadly sometimes as some men get older they get worse with sexual thoughts. They still in their mind think they are young men, the desire is still there.  My point is I think that is normal for them.
You are right to stay out of those environments that empowers him to be disrespectful to you. Try to find a common ground where both of you can be happy and enjoy these days together. If possible.
Wish you luck with this, it can be mind boggling.

[Kizzie]

Hi Boats, I do not want to embarrass you or take this thread sideways but I do want to make sure the discussion doesn't veer off course from what it is intended to be. That is, a thread about how the men in the situation made you feel rather than the behaviour of men in general.  It's clear to me that what you meant, but it may not be to others so I just want to point that out so you/we can carry on with the discussion and not get side-tracked. 

I do hope you are feeling better and I think the fact that you do see clearly their behaviour was offensive is a sign of recovery.  There was a time when I might have not even recognized that because I was that deep into the muck and mire of CPTSD so kudos to you!   

[Dyess]

Hey Boats, having a better time today? Hope you had a chance to talk with your dad and that you are feeling better about being there and the relationship. Keep us posted.

[I like vanilla]

Boatsetsailrose, that sounds like a pretty yucky, and somewhat awkward time. It sounds like you are doing your best to take the high road, while also setting boundaries - both of which are often difficult to do. Good for you!

Sending supportive energy thoughts your way... 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Kizzie
Yes I see what you mean and thank you for flagging up
No I don't want to go sideways and I see how this has happened
Learning !
Best wishes

Indeed recovery is wonderful ! 💓⭐️
Blessed

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank you 😊💓 
Yesterday wasn't much better - but did manage to have nice time with my grandmother
My f is an unwell man and almost impossible to relate to - it's sad
I think when I was younger I could relate more as his repetitive 'humour avoidance ' I found funny - now I am a grown women - it is just frustrating
I tried hard yesterday to be accepting but I was fuming most of the day -
Have made the decision I won't be spending 3 days with him again - 1 night will be enough - and that's ok have learnt now - also not to go in those environments that create all that behaviour which Isn't acceptable
So my growth -
Is the key here as has been said - time has moved on and I am very proud of myself for the way I have taken my life and everything I have experienced -
I have freedom in my life and independence -
Have grown in who I am and what lights me up
If I didn't know about inner and outer critic and ef
I wouldn't have been so aware this wk end and having you all here means the world to me - thank you

Today I go and stay with my friend I'll be able to kick back and be myself - thank you God 🙏
I shall see her boy which I am looking forward to - some child humour will be wonderful xx
Have a good day

[Dyess]

Glad you are getting some clarity on your visit about the past , present and future with them and yourself. Enjoy your time with your friend and have fun.

[Kizzie]

Good stuff Boats    Have a great time with your friend