Ones relating to childhood which I don't understand.

[NyxBean]

Content Warning: Pretty much all of them but as I say later, I try not to go into too much detail.

I don't know if this is where to put this. It is about childhood.

Through laziness and exhaustion, I'm going to paste what I wrote in a more general advice area. I was writing for a specific forum so I'm not sure if that comes through.

I may have explained C-PTSD incorrectly or maybe it is more that I explained it as myself...

Following is the paste:

[Content warning: pretty much will tick all of the boxes but I will try to avoid going into detail]

I'm not sure how to phrase most of this.

Basically most of my childhood and a lot of my adolescence is a blank. I've become an expert at blocking out even the smallest upset so that even now in adulthood something huge can pop out of left field from a year or so ago. Those I experience in a "standard" post-traumatic stress disorder flashback. Visuals and body sensations mostly with the words remembered but not always heard. Physically I either go into panic or I shutdown and dissociate. Usually the latter.

I remember a lot of physical, emotional, and mental abuse in childhood and those along with sexual abuse in adolescence and then "easing off" as I went through my early twenties. I'm mostly safe now although having said that, this year has been remarkably tough.

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My point is that I seem to get "emotion/sensation" flashbacks which I can't place to a memory or an occurrence but which stretch back to childhood. C-PTSD can involve a lot of these... weirder flashbacks, the ones which appear to have no context.

Two I know have happened since I was a pre-teen are the bodily sensations and fear I have surrounding an uncle and a cousin.

I'm worried my mind might be making false connections. I do recall feeling like this cousin who was probably close to a decade my elder seeming to... leer at me when I was about ten. His room was filled with porn mag pull-outs and I saw all of them when I was younger than that. Still not sure why I was allowed in his room with all that around.

With the uncle, I can't explain it. He's self-diagnosed bipolar but I know and have known many with bipolar and he's not the only uncle I have. He's the only one I get these feelings from, however.

*

They are like my skin is crawling inside and out. It can be that there's a sensation of being maybe held? Around the upper arms? Sometimes I feel sick and often I start to dissociate when it kicks in. Sometimes it feels like somebody might be on me but not crushing me. I remember being frightened of the attic in my first childhood house that I remember but not why. Only that the uncle slept there when he needed to stay with the family for a while.

Then there's this indescribable "certainty" that somebody babysitting me in that house showed me or wound up letting me accidentally see porn, back when I was about five. I remember blonde women. Except the part of the house the memory tries to place that in doesn't make sense so I can't trust it.

*

I was about to launch into a bunch of other fragments and points which might add up to suspicious circumstances. I realised that was pointlessly upsetting for others and tiring for myself.

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What I want to ask is if people agree when a doctor says "It's better that you don't remember,"?

For me, I'm not sure. I am constantly guilty about my friends who remember for a fact about sexual child abuse. I feel my emotion-sensation flashbacks and thoughts are... completely selfish and disrespectful, even though I tend not to talk to them about it. Even their being in my head makes me feel horrible and cruel because I can't be sure. Like I'm always competing with others in there.

I hate that. It's hard to ignore as I wind up ruminating a lot and I'm too ill to work. I try hard to focus on other things but some days are worse than others.

I bought a DBT book with about 225 worksheets and asked my carer to print me out a distress tolerance booklet. I see a psychologist, will be receiving help from autistic spectrum related support workers, and have my first drop in visit with the city's resource centre for people with AS and HFA (diagnosed Asperger's recently). So there's all that.

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Again, I'm not sure whether or not it is better to not know when I keep getting all these flashbacks. Maybe I should simply stick with learning to ride them out. I guess that's what the doctors who have said this mean?

Has anybody been in a similar situation? What did you do? What's your opinion? Have you tried DBT? Are there any resources you'd suggest?

Thanks.

End of paste. Same questions to you folk, I suppose. I feel really queasy and so I might be coming off as curt. I don't mean to be.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi NyxBean,

What doctor said to you: "It's better that you don't remember,"?
Was that your GP, or a psychologist?

Personally, but I'm not a health-care professional, I'd say you don't have to actively try to 'not remember'. If you have vague memories, then you have vague memories. It's what they are. Perhaps they will become clearer over time, maybe not.
If you yourself find it of value for yourself to try and recollect them more fully, fine. If you are OK with vague memories, fine as well.

I see you finally got a solid diagnosis of Aspergers. I hope and wish that diagnosis will aid you in your recovery process for cPTSD as well. My advice would be that you speak with them as well about these memories. Perhaps the professionals who aid you there have specific knowledge on memory processes for Aspergers. These processes may well be different for you than for 'NeuroTypicals', but I really don't know if that is the case.

Maybe I should simply stick with learning to ride them out

Yes, I think that is paramount, for all of us here, including you.
Having said that the question remains if getting 'fuller' recollection aids in the process. I must say for me that seems to be the case. I certainly do experience that sharing my memories, however vague and unrelated they may seem to 'the big picture', is already a big help. Sharing them is validating, and already provides me with 'firmer ground'.


I'm happy to see you back here, NyxBean.

[arpy1]

hi NyxBean, not spoken with you before so hello nice to meet you!

i've just got a DBT manual too, funnily enough. i have known about DBT for some years as a friend i had is a DBT therapist but this is the first foray i have made into acquiring skills. i have only just started but would be interested in feeding back with you as i progress, if you like?

the thing about DBT is that the skills taught are useful in cptsd in terms of learning to regulate emotions and balance them.  that's what i am aiming for becos i need to be able to manage the Emotional Flashback problem much better than i have up till now.

so i think that they would probably be useful to you in terms of the same problem. 

i'm not surprised, reading your post, that you feel exhausted and queasy. if you're like me even thinking about certain things can trigger EFs. so i think you're brave to write all that. it's not easy, is it? and no, you certainly don't come over as curt.   

my feeling about the flashbacks you experience, themselves, altho i am not an expert obviously, is that if certain people trigger them, then firstly, i would make sure i am safe, and as much as possible stay out of contact/reach of those people. it doesn't matter if you are consciously remembering specific events, or a series of traumatic events, or if your body is remembering and all you get is the sensations and emotions - the fact is you don't feel safe, so need to protect yourself with extra care.

secondly, from your flashbacks themselves the least you are able to deduce is that something definitely happened to you that is making you flashback like this. 

so, perhaps, it's not about doubting yourself or thinking you're making false connections, or worrying you might be getting it wrong and thinking 'bad thoughts' about people -  or even trying consciously, as D/U says to remember or not remember. in my limited experience it seems to me that memories have a way of percolating up  like bubbles rising in a simmering pot of water; they'll come if, as and when.  probably when your mind is ready enough to cope with them.

as far as what the doctor said to you,  imo, there is no 'better' or 'worse' about it.  some ways it's less immediately painful to remember, other ways, it might help to remember so you can learn to process...but you're not exactly in control of this anyway; no value judgment is relevant. 

which takes me round full circle to the DBT, becos it helps teach self-management skills. which have got to be a help if and when the memories do start to surface.

the best of wishes to you, NB, as you process through all this difficult stuff. hope you can feel supported and heard and cared about here.