tired

[Dutch Uncle]

  , Tired.

[tired]

Indigo:  I will look up those two resources.  I don't know what a freeze type is exactly but I've heard it mentioned on this forum. 

My therapist mentioned a few things.  He said that my big problem is rage and not expressing it even to myself. Not recognizing/acknowledging/admitting it.  I turn it all inwards. He also says that shame is a problem for me and maybe that's why I don't want to admit problems, show weakness, get help.  I'm trying to be a fitness trainer so I can't just let everyone see all my problems but it actually goes deeper than that. 

I vaguely remember reading a great deal about shame and rage as common developmental themes and how they are related. 

The last thing you said about isolating myself-it made me remember being a child and thinking, ok my parents are nuts and unreliable but that's ok. I can take care of myself.  This was how I comforted myself.  I went to school and that was helpful because I got information about how to live, how to learn about how to live.  My therapist said that when we are kids we develop coping skills that help us survive but we don't have to continue those mechanisms if they don't work for us anymore. 

I don't like to scream inside, or outside. I'm *tired* and lately I'm all about staying in my comfort zone.  I wasn't like this; I was always out there, taking risks.  Maybe it's time to take one single risk, bringing out that anger.  It's so hard.  My mother is old and frail.  Of course I'm angry at who she was when she was younger and should have protected me.  I guess I'm not angry for the present moment, I'm angry for the past.

I don't know what to actually do-but looking up resources and doing more reading is something I can do. A task. 

[tired]

So my last two clients paid me in full instead of the student rate I offered them.  I'm taking this as some kind of sign. 

[Indigochild]

Hey tired

I am glad you are going to look up the freeze type. Its on the net and also in Pete walkers book- cptsd- from surviving to thriving.
If you cant find them, let me know and i will send u links.

Do you agree with what your therapist thinks?
I have heard of these before. Turning rage inwards as we had to as children living in homes like that-
and we would be punished if rage was expressed at the parents.
If turning it inwards is a familiar pattern, we would be doing it still, which we are.
(i am the same), but end up projecting it outwards on the wrong people.
Shame yes- same here. Cant ask for help etc. Thankfully I'm finally in therapy.

I have heard that shame is rage turned inwards and depression is anger turned inwards.- but range / anger- tree- leaf...maybe similar.

Im sorry i made your remember- I hope that wasnt too much of a bad thing.
How hard for you to have to realise that as a child!! That must of freaked you the * out and made you feel very unsafe and alone.
Its very sad, that it was that way for you, and that you had to learn how to live in this world from school.
I think we are still learning how to live.
So you were basically your own parent, same as I. I dont remember that thought being a conscious thought , not to say that it wasnt- just dont remember, but i used to talk to myself and still do- as a mother talking to a child.

It is natural for us to also think that the world is dangerous and that people will hurt us, after that being all we have ever known.
Maybe we dont need to isolate now.
The freeze type is unaware of the life narrowing consequences of isolating. The belief that people and anger are synonymous are not realised, as it is subconscious and burried. i guess we would have to burry that belief as we wouldnt be able to function in the world at all-
therefore we even disassociate from that freeze type belief so i guess we are disassociating from what actually caused us to be afraid- people!!
Sorry , just writing my thoughts.....
basically, freeze types are unaware that this is their belief.

I dont blame you for being tired. There is only so long you can go before you are even more tired. I would try not to be hard on yourself for needing to take time out.
I know you dont like to scream - at all. Its scary. And often we have been made to feel same for expressing emotions / been punished / rejected for emoting.
I hope you can find a way to express this feeling.
Are you seeing a therapist?
I ask because-
I wouldnt rush with the anger and pushing yourself if you are not ready. Read Pete Walker about this. Emoting for some can cause flashbacks, not receive them because of the shame attached to emoting.

Even if your mother didnt mean to have you too young etc etc. she still did, and she is the parent who had the responsability- not you.
I totally understand being conflicted and being mad at her / them and seeing them as just people like us-
its confusing- which one to be?
But its both, and weather what happened was intentional or not..it still happened and you have every right to feel angry etc about that.
Sometimes we make excuses too, to hide from the truth of how we feel.

I think that your plan to read and look up resources is a great idea. It can get you started, and maybe help you to understand what happened.
I must say- for me it was my therapist and she is still helping. Im learning the story of what happened and no book could help me see it, but thats because i dont remember much and ,...my brain is screwed up from what happened so i couldnt see or validate.

Anything i can do to help....

[tired]

Thank you

Alternating between depression and rage so palpable everything I say seems laced with it even here. It's like I talk and bitter poison spews out. 

I see what you mean about freeze type. Could be true about me. 

[tired]

Angry at all the therapists who didn't fix me .  Yes I'm insightful and valuable but I can't function .

[tired]

Speaking of freeze types . It seems like a bit of delusional thinking and sometimes I get so lost in my head that I say things that aren't rational. Not terrible or completely impossible but not thought out. 

I read about delusional disorder as a new diagnosis. It is different from psychosis because that involves delusions that are obvious whereas someone with delusional disorder believe things that aren't impossible. So it's not as clear.

Depressed and angry and having meltdowns frequently the last few days.  The upside: makes it easier to decide I can't deal with my mom.  Too crazy to care.

[Indigochild]

I hope that wasnt too much tired.
I undersatand. Anger is like poison, it feels like poison = destructive. Maybe you think its ugly etc. because of the way those in your life reacted to you having feelings in the past.
Abuse is poison and it poisons us.
I remember having all these words in my head one evening and writing down all the emotionally abusive things that i could remember my mum saying to me and I literally felt like poison was spewing out of me and that i needed to get rid of it- get it out of me.

[Indigochild]

Angry at all the therapists who didn't fix me .
Im sorry tired. Its such a shame, and to not be able to function despite being valuable and insightful.
Insight isn't enough when it isn't enough to fix the pain. I really hope you believe that you are valuable.
Also, anger might be a part of you you always put away, and now its out, its not pleasant for you.
I hope you find ways to be with this anger and to express it. And I'm sorry i cant help, Im kind of at a similar stage to you at the time being. 

[tired]

You are helping.  I can get better when I can sort things out with some kind of adult logic. Connect the dots. But I can't seem to get a grip on anger and related themes and I need it out into words. Right now it's just a storm.

[Indigochild]

Ah, i am glad i am helping somewhat.
Adult logic is very helpful.
I have found out though, that whilst that is one part of recovery- finding out what happened and connecting the dots-
grieving and angering etc. - feeling the emotions in order to gt them out of your system or make them less bothersome is another part.
This may not be your intention at all- i just had to say in case it was, and in case you didnt know this:
I would hate for you to talk yourself out of feeling by using purley logic.
I used to think that logic thinking would make me feel better and would make pain go away, but as i found out it doesnt. Its only part of the whole process.
Do you i ask if you are seeing a therapist to help you with all this?

[tired]

Not anymore

My last therapist said what you are saying, which is that I am good at talking with adult logic but not at raw emotion

[woodsgnome]

Tired said: "I am good at talking with adult logic but not at raw emotion."

Same here--and I second what Indigo said about the difficulty of getting to the feeling part. I also know I'm what Walker in his book calls the freeze sort. But like he also says, it takes lots of grief and anger to work one's logic to a point where one can feel it, too.

At first, expressing anger seemed silly. I mean, I live alone. Very alone; isolated alone; in the boondocks alone. But I have the memories, often have bad dreams, and loads of pain, so I started raging at the characters that I found there--the abusers. Silly, illogical, odd; but nonetheless I felt better. Nicely offsets the logic. I don't want any more smarts, analysis--I want to feel. The grieving I've been doing for decades, but in an offhanded way, too.

At the risk of sounding "logical", my hangup to the anger part was a remnant of the dire consequences from all the old stuff that started the cycle in the first place. I guess another good anger valve was via this site; finally I could express, despite my doubts in doing so, some rage among others who "get it" and won't condemn me.

For me, the takeaway is self-compassion. Un-learning the self-hate that rattled me this whole life. So far.

 

[tired]

i got a phone call from a relative informing me that they are going to a wedding. this is a teen nephew that calls me once a week to chat.  he said you should go but you probably aren't going to. then he took this tone, saying, you should get out of your hole and just go. i said i'm not in a hole, i actually have walls above ground. then he said why do you hate your family so much.  he said you aren't going to see grandma are you. i just said no.  i also said i don't hate them it's more complicated than that. if the wedding was down the road i would go. i said the niece who is getting married has been out of touch for years and i didn't know about the wedding until he told me.

it occured to me that he must have overheard things said by other people. it sounded like he was reciting something. it was odd and made me upset.  i couldn't really answer him because i felt like he wasn't saying those words. 

the truth is that going places is hard for me.

i'm angry that no one ever asks me how i'm feeling and no one considers that maybe depression or something like that is what is keeping me from going.  forget that no one visits me.  i never make demands on other people like you should come over or whatever.  it seems like they just assume i'm being standoffish even though it's been pretty well established that i have depression and my family isn't stupid they know what depression means. who doesn't but i'm just saying.  they should know better. the reason they don't say i'm sorry you're feeling bad and can't travel is because they look down on people like me. people with limitations who decide it's better for their kids to stay put and not socialize and maintain their sanity rather than traveling across the country to visit relatives even if their kids are on drugs or whatever problems they have.  they have problems.  they just don't put their kids first. 

i have limited energy and it's devoted to getting dressed, eating sometimes, feeding my child.  i have tried to explain this to people and i remember using an example of socks saying i can't find clean socks . this friend i was talking to said that's an excuse you can wear dirty socks.  i don't know why people think that i'm making excuses and let's say i am. telling me doesn't help.

imagine losing a leg.  plenty of people do just fine with one leg. i've seen people ski on one leg.  but most people struggle and telling someone to just get on with life is cruel.

[Dutch Uncle]

  for how you handled the phone call. I especially commend you for telling him you don't hate, that it's more complicated than that.

In his 'defense', as the saying goes, he's just a teen. So he's just trying to make sense of a non-sensible world. A transition we all had to make at that age, no? I think it's pretty awesome he calls 'crazy', 'hateful' auntie anyway, and speaks with you on what must be confusing for him as well. He must like and appreciate you.
This is not to say your feelings and thoughts you had during and after the call are somehow 'wrong'. 

So few people who reach out to you, and having so much difficulty in reaching out yourself: I can relate.
It's been 7 months now since I got the results of my SCID-II test, and except for one dear friend, nobody else has even asked me how it was to even take such a test. Not even interested in the procedure (which would still be a 'distant' and therefore 'safe' subject I would say) let alone what it has done with me that I even took the path, how it was for me to even consider I could have a Personality Disorder, and to have to contemplate that the result could actually be: "Mr. Dutch, you have XPD."
I guess they are happy I'm 'sane', and that's it for them... And I should just happily move on now, it's what they can do too, no?

I think that in general people don't want to be confronted with illness, setbacks, catastrophes etc. since it confronts them with their own 'mortality', non-control over matters that count.
Just like most people are just bystanders when an accident happens on the street... Very few actually reach out a helping hand, even if it is just holding the hand of a victim until the ambulance arrives is all there is to do.

So, here's to holding hands, Tired.