there may be hope for me yet...

[BigGreenSee123]

So I was particularly anxious going into my most recent therapy appointment. I think it was due to a fairly rough appointment I'd had the week prior > which is usually tied to a sense of vulnerability for me > which often sets my nervous system into panic mode until it basically shuts itself off. I wasn't exactly expecting it to go well. And I was right about that...at first.

In the beginning I tried to discuss a really bad day I'd had the week before. But my mind went all foggy, then I couldn't find my words, and then I couldn't really even remember what it was I was trying to talk about. Amidst my fumbling for speech my T tried to figure out what I was trying to communicate to her. It wasn't exactly working, though; I felt like she didn't understand. So then that triggered a fear attack as it often does for me. And then I started dissociating to boot. Needless to say, things were sliding downhill.

But my T kept prompting me to stay with her and verbalize what was going on for me. So I started talking about the dissociation. Then I was able to talk about how I get afraid when I feel like she didn't understand. And then I could remember and actually find the words to describe a bit about the bad day I'd had. And my T responded kindly as she usually does and for once I felt a little like maybe someone could actually hear me, maybe I could talk to someone, maybe I could trust someone. Maybe there's hope yet.

Anyway, that's all really. Socially inhibited as I may be I'm fortunate to have a few people in my life that I can go to when something good happens like I do really well on a big test or win $10 on a lottery ticket... but I don't know if I've got anyone who could understand how much of a victory it is when a minor therapeutic breakthrough occurs.
Me: "hey hypothetical co-worker, guess what - my therapist responded attentively when I nervously discussed how I felt like she became a threatening individual when she gives the slightest impression that she doesn't understand what I'm experiencing emotionally. Isn't that great?!"
Hypothetical co-worker: ""

What I mean to say is - thanks for listening

[Dutch Uncle]

Thanks for sharing. I love minor breakthroughs. 

[fairyslipper]

That is great BigGreeSee123. So happy she was able to work with you to stay present through that. That is a big deal. Happy that you came away feeling a sense of hope and safety with her too. 

[arpy1]

i wouldn't say that was minor, BGS123, it was mega, wasn't it?

becos if it happens again, you'll have this bit of firm ground to stand on to work it out from. that's mega. it will never be quite as frightening again.   

so be proud!      

[BigGreenSee123]

Thanks guys!