Betrayal Trauma

[LadyFinn]

I am new , desperate and feeling so broken in many many ways . I have recently completed a 56 day hospitalization for PTSD and now back at home . I have learned a lot... but have a very very long way to go. I try hard to apply all the techniques but the daily never ending anxiety will never stop. My spouse of 30 years betrayed me .. lied , had an affair with my friend . For 8 months he was in his own crisis from extreme abuse as a child . MLC apparently and he destroyed everything , blamed me and all the "typical" mid life horror show . I was so traumatised by this deceit in was beyond anything I can describe.. even I knew it was a reaction that was so severe, so inconsolable painfull ... I wanted to die . I could not rise above it. I turned to my mother for support or something , and she "blamed me and accused me of causing him to leave " etc etc .. that was the end . I should have known not to go anywhere near her as she has blamed me for all "bad things " in the world since birth. It was the final betrayal of a mother to a daughter . In treatment , I learned that my mother is " narcissistic spectrum mom" and my reaction to abandonement was soo traumatic due to my own childhood . I knew she was cold and mean and I have fought with her since birth .. but I never understood narcissist . So many painfull discoveries . I have much work to do to heal. I need all the help, wisdom and support I can get as I struggle incredibly with almost every PTSD issue . I appreciate any words from anyone that can offer some advise or simple support.

[Dutch Uncle]

Wow.
What a survivor you are.
to you, LadyFinn.


Dutch Uncle.

[stillhere]

LadyFinn, these are terrible betrayals, and to encounter them in quick succession must be excruciating.  But you are already taking steps to retrieve your life.  You've faced the betrayals, learned some techniques, and now have joined OOTS.  You will find a community of empathic people here.  And you'll be able to tell your story without the kind of judgment that your mother hurled at you.  Many people on this site have faced comparable betrayals. 

And many of us have parents who fall somewhere on a narcissist spectrum.  Your mother's blaming sounds eerily familiar to me.  Although my betrayals were more than thirty years ago now, I too was blamed for a spouse's betrayal.

Life gets better.  The process can take a long time.  Meanwhile, you will find support here.

[Shattered]

LadyFinn, I'm a little confused because I responded yesterday to a thread you started in May, and you've been active on that thread in the last few days.  Did you start this new thread to specifically address the betrayal trauma?  Doesn't matter, just want to communicate with you because I'm going through such a similar crisis.

Please check your original post/thread and I won't bombard you with a rehash of what I said.  But please know my heart is with you.  I too had a narcissistic parent, but it was the horrific betrayal by my husband of 40 years that sent me into true * for the first time in my life.  I posted on this site looking for support around the same questions you have asked.....why don't I get better after so much therapy and so much time?  What's wrong with me that other women survive cheating husbands without suffering these devastating, unbearable symptoms?

You are not alone.  You will get through this, I truly believe that, and be stronger for it.  We are strong, loving, good people, and our bodies and minds want to heal.  It just takes time, perseverance, and a supportive tribe. 

[MaryAnn]

LadyFinn, you are not alone.  I am truly sorry that those you loved have hurt you in the worst way imaginable and that you have suffered so much trauma and emotional abuse as a result.  I have narcissistic parents as well.  My dad is the malignant one and my mother is covert. 

My mother is still a child in a way so I feel some responsibility to help her because I truly do not think she realizes what she does is childish or wrong.  But, I know that I cannot trust her and not to confide in her in hopes of support in terms of my marriage or general mental health.  She would react in much the same way as you described but would use religion to defend her response.  Marriage is "for better or worse" and he is the one you chose so I have a responsibility to make it work  .  Leaving is not an option.  She pampers those who tell her information, manipulates them.  She brings my husband home cooked meals and buys him snack cakes all the time, uses food to get him on her side.  My husband is a master manipulator as well so he just plays her game.  He must not be playing anymore because it appears he has been cut off and he really does not need to manipulate her to get anything at the moment.  She has not called or brought anything by for him in several weeks. 

My situation is similar but different to yours and Shattered.  My husband is cheating on me but he uses porn and chooses not to have intimate relations with me because I don't look like a Barbie doll anymore, I don't wear a size 4 anymore after 20 years, I wear a 10 so I am too fat for him to be attracted to me.  Yes, that is how he put it to me  . I have foolishly believed him that to men, sex is all about the physical appearance of a woman and any that tells me different is a liar. Men don't care about what's on the inside or a woman's personality, the only thing that turns them on is looks. So every man "cheats" in his mind because even when they are really having sex with their wives, they are thinking about someone else that they find sexy and beautiful.

There were several other stressors that got me to my breaking point.  I can't imagine going through what you and Shattered have experienced.  It would be devastating and would send my whole world crumbling down.  No one should be blaming you for anything.  They should be offering support and understanding, provide comfort and help you feel safe.  LadyFinn and I will both be here as well as many others to support you and share empathy and understanding.  The circumstances are unfortunate, but it is very nice to meet you and glad you found us.

MaryAnn

[Shattered]

I've been thinking about you, LadyFinn, and wonder how you're doing? 

[KayFly]

LadyFinn,

I relate with your story a lot. I am glad you are away from your spouse who betrayed you now, and hope you continue on your path to healing and find the right people for you.

I was sexually abused by both of my parents, and suppressed the memories from when I was little, but when I started talking about it, everyone said I was lying, and I was the crazy one. So I really relate with that, invalidation, to such an extreme, as well as feeling so alone.

Then a year ago, I estranged myself from the entire family, so I also relate with the grieving.

You sound like you are doing everything you can to get better    That was a lengthy hospital visit. I hope you continue, again, on the road to recovery. And I hope you find some support and safety here.

K