Hi

[Cuthberta]

I have C-PTSD and also DID.

I try to pretend I am normal, and then sometimes realise how wrong that is. But I do my best to carry on.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hello cuth Berta

Yes when inside feels so different from the outside world ... I felt so alien for so long ...
But I made a decision when I was younger to not stop until I felt freer and I do feel that now ...

Trying our best is what we do

I definitely need and have needed a lot of support and resources - and am v grateful that they are available to access

What does DID stand for ( if u don't mind me asking ...

[Lifecrafting]

Welcome Cuthberta,

I'm new here as well and having a hard time expressing myself so I don't have much to say but I do know that every day when I walk out into the world, I must "conform" in some fashion or another just because that's the nature of life - we go to work, we socialize to some degree, we take care of others, etc. When I sit down by myself, I feel so very alone because there are parts of me that I am unable to share.  I do feel so false sometimes.

Take care.

[Trees]

Hi Cuthberta, let me add my welcome to the others.  I hope I am correct in thinking that DID stands for Dissociative Identity Disorder. 

Although I don't have DID myself, I have spent much of my life feeling like a  bunch of shards of different people were inside me.  Sometimes I felt my behavior was caused by these personality shards, that sometimes I didn't have control over this.  But I do remember what has happened at those times.  So I don't have DID.  But I certainly do sympathize with your situation.

You, and your others, are very welcome here.  I hope you will find this place to be safe and supportive, a refuge from the "real" world.             

[Cuthberta]

Thank you to all of you for your kindness.

I was diagnosed with CPTSD years ago, and only found out about the DID more recently. The two often go together, but it isn't often diagnosed.

DID is dissociative identity disorder. It involves a fragmenting of the personality into distinct alters; each one a part of the whole person, but not a complete person in themselves. I had no idea I had this, but when I was told that it was there everything suddenly made a lot of sense.

[Cuthberta]

Hi Cuthberta, let me add my welcome to the others.  I hope I am correct in thinking that DID stands for Dissociative Identity Disorder. 

Although I don't have DID myself, I have spent much of my life feeling like a  bunch of shards of different people were inside me.  Sometimes I felt my behavior was caused by these personality shards, that sometimes I didn't have control over this.  But I do remember what has happened at those times.  So I don't have DID.  But I certainly do sympathize with your situation.

You, and your others, are very welcome here.  I hope you will find this place to be safe and supportive, a refuge from the "real" world.             

Thank you for welcoming all of us. That is so very, very rare; to the point that I have not heard it before anywhere at all.

Most people only want me when I am being who they want me to be.

[Trees]

Thank you for welcoming all of us. That is so very, very rare; to the point that I have not heard it before anywhere at all.

Most people only want me when I am being who they want me to be.

Your last sentence brought tears to my eyes.   

Probably all of us here, whether dealing with acting-out personality shards or entirely dissociated alternate identities, probably all of us can identify with that sentence.   

[Cuthberta]

Thank you. It is true; even my Vicar who is very understanding and very kind will try to 'pull' me back to adult functioning by asking about my daughter or my parents if he sees me slip. Nobody will just hand me a colouring book and pencils and leave me to be who I am. Or, better still, sit next to me and colour.

I went on the sister site and found that there is lots of activity, but not many people responding to others; perhaps too much pain still. I wrote some posts, but mostly it looks like gap searching there; lots of people talking in a thread but nobody really listening. Or I may have brought that with me; I don't know.

I didn't write much here, but I read about the inner child, and that was very enlightening. I will post there later, if it feels safe enough.

Thanks again. Safe

[kmber501]

Hi Cuthberta

I can relate to holding on to or wanting to feel like or be 'normal'

I had a therapist explain it this way....depending on what your experiences were that traumatized you, maybe it is 'normal' to have the feelings and reactions which you have from being traumatized.  You just didn't have anyone normal around to help you at the time.  You did the best you could with what you had.

Perhaps we just grew up and or around others who can't cope with anything from others except 'normal' or pretending or 'acting' normal

I was expected to pretend  or 'act like' I was/we were a 'normal' family growing up by my abuser mother.  It's hard to know how to act like oneself when one never was allowed to be oneself or accepted or reflected as OKAY

maybe this is not entirely what you meant

I am only learning to accept myself and to love myself without labels and negatives...like yeah but she is a mental case you know, not "normal".  I think it is normal to have a reaction to trauma and chronic trauma.  Maybe it's not "NORMAL" to think it should not effect folks or that one can just 'get over it'

I wish you a big hug 

[Cuthberta]

Hi Cuthberta

I can relate to holding on to or wanting to feel like or be 'normal'

I had a therapist explain it this way....depending on what your experiences were that traumatized you, maybe it is 'normal' to have the feelings and reactions which you have from being traumatized.  You just didn't have anyone normal around to help you at the time.  You did the best you could with what you had.

Perhaps we just grew up and or around others who can't cope with anything from others except 'normal' or pretending or 'acting' normal

I think everyone is pretending, really. But we are pretending a shade more than usual.

I was expected to pretend  or 'act like' I was/we were a 'normal' family growing up by my abuser mother.  It's hard to know how to act like oneself when one never was allowed to be oneself or accepted or reflected as OKAY

maybe this is not entirely what you meant

No, that is it exactly. We try to fit in. In my case it was dangerous to be seen, and the best way to be invisible is to blend into the background. I am very good at that.

I am only learning to accept myself and to love myself without labels and negatives...like yeah but she is a mental case you know, not "normal".  I think it is normal to have a reaction to trauma and chronic trauma.  Maybe it's not "NORMAL" to think it should not effect folks or that one can just 'get over it'

I wish you a big hug 

Thank you. The best I could manage was to reframe; I paint pictures because artists are expected to be a little bit flaky; by presenting myself as an artist I become mainstream flaky, rather than on the edge of normal and about to fall off. It doesn't matter that I am too unwell to sell my pictures; what matters is that I paint them. I am an artist, not a salesperson.