Hi I'm New. Possible Triggers.

[KayFly]

Hi, Ah, Okay I've re-written this like 5 times...One of the symptoms of my CPTSD, is striving for perfection, never feeling like I am doing a good enough job, and usually regretting immediately what I have posted on any forum, social networking site, or even speaking to someone in person.  This is why I don't have Facebook. But I will give myself credit. I am a writer, and I do like to in essence "perfect" my writing, like an editor would I suppose.

I am new here and was diagnosed with CPTSD several months ago. I am working my way through Pete Walker's, very insightful and helpful book "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving." I feel like I want to read the whole book before I continue to post much on this site. But, in case you are looking for some emotional management, I also am working on "The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook", which has been helpful thus far.  It was put together by Matthew McKay,PH.D, Jeffrey C. Wood, PSY.D, and Jeffrey Brantley, MD, in case you want to look it up and get a copy.  It's really helpful for managing emotions coping skills, and its a workbook, so somewhat interactive. I like it.

I have been going through EMDR and talk therapy with a therapist who I trust and like, for several months now, and I feel like, for the first time, have been really addressing my painful past. She encouraged me to find some online forums for extra support, and this was something I was interested in, as I have been having a hard time finding people to relate to in the real world, or finding balance in any relationships really. I tend to jump into things to fast, and watch it fall apart before my eyes. It seems to be happening at a quicker rate now. Maybe that's a sign that I am healing quicker.

Another reason that I have re-written my introduction so many times, is because, I don't know if I should spill my guts out, or keep it all a big sacred secret.  At first I was an open book, but then I saw someone introduce themselves and not say much, so I though I'll just keep it to myself like that person did.  But then I was like NO. I need to be heard. We are all here to get help with specific things, CPTSD is by definition, complex, difficult, hard for us to deal with. I love to write. I'm kinda pissed I dismissed my entire first introduction. Oh well.

Around the age of 3 or 4, I have a memory of being sexually molested by my mother and father, at the same time.  I blocked it out of my head, dissociated from the whole thing, really my whole life until now. One year ago, I estranged myself from my birth family, under the guidance of a therapist, moved to a new city, started a new life.

I am in a supportive relationship now with a very loving boyfriend, who had a decent enough upbringing, to where he can be very supportive, although doesn't relate to the dynamics and some of the pain and grievances that I now face. I have been going through a large struggle dealing with his family who is functional, but it's hard for me to deal with their shortcomings, because I spent my life watching what was done to me, and its like, everything is a trigger. I thought that everyone was evil, and I am still trying really hard to get rid of that physiological response to society.

Now that I am in EMDR Therapy and dealing with the one memory I have, I am beginning to remember new memories of sexual abuse as a child, which is making this all settle in and making it very hard to digest.  I was physically abused a lot as well, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, but the sexual abuse was by far the hardest thing that has ever happened to me.

I didn't really have a choice when estranging myself from the family because no one validated my truth or respected me. Everyone denied the abuse, and it eventually led to me denying my own abuse.  Questioning wether or not it even happened.  What a mind *.  I had been abusing drugs a lot during the time that I started talking about it, and everyone chalked it up to "she's on drugs, she's crazy"...They were really good at invalidating everything that happened to me.

Now that I have new memories coming up, it's really validating that it has happened.  Like there is a part of me that REALLY did not believe that it happened, but now it's really settling in, and it really really hurts, and is really hard to digest. Literally. I find problems with my digestive system, and feel sick a lot.  It's all relative. I don't feel well in my mind, so it manifests into my body. I believe that to be true for everyone.

Now that I am gone, away from my family, although these people are not good for me, I am grieving the loss of my family.  I now know that I am doing the right thing by estranging myself from them, because new memories are coming up.  I have nightmares of my family dying, which is what it really feels like just happened.  It feels like they all just died.  And I miss them.  Like I know what they did is wrong, but they were still my family and that is all that i knew. I always think "I want to go home" but in truth, I feel like I don't have one.

I've been trying to understand my family's history. Its so shameful to come from a family like that. I guess that's why everyone denies everything. Lately its become so hard that I've begun to forgive them for spiritual reasons. I can't hold on to it anymore with such grudge because I just can't take it anymore.

I've been truly devastated, as many of us are. A good friend once said to me "When I faced my pain, It opened up doors to happiness."  And she couldn't have been more right.  Facing this pain has opened up doorways to more meaningful, healthy relationships.  I am doing everything I can to get better, it can be so painful at times, and I think I need more support than I even understand.  I just want to talk about it and feel heard like we all do.

Thank you for reading. I look forward to connecting.

[woodsgnome]

This cptsd journey is extremely hard to fathom for so many. Denial is actually pretty easy, if comfort is all there is to life. We all want it, crave it, strive for it, but sometimes it's almost like there's too much and we'll never make it. But we stick with whatever it takes, as you are showing by the courage and initiative shown in this intro.

You've defied a lot of odds to take the steps we really don't wish to, but it's worse if we don't. I had no where to turn when I was young--the abuse was not only rampant from the family, but from a "values" oriented high school. At first I thought the latter was a refuge, and then it too collapsed and my childhood dissipated with it. I was a wreck with no help. Other things soured later, and while I found temporary crutches, and lots of illusions about someday I'll be alright, I've given up on a cure but the healing is ongoing and will never end.

Something you said rings very true for me as well; you said: "...it's hard for me to deal with their shortcomings, because I spent my life watching what was done to me, and its like, everything is a trigger. I thought that everyone was evil, and I am still trying really hard to get rid of that physiological response to society."

I too find it difficult to visit functional families and not recoil a bit. Once I was visiting a friend's family and found it all triggering 'til my friend asked me "what's wrong?" I had no ready answer, and was taken aback myself at how deep my wounds were/are. I note you said your boyfriend was becoming aware of where you're coming from, so I hope that works out for you, and him.

Your T's advice to put some distance between you and your family is well-put...that was really a key for me; first the physical separation itself, but also finding a niche that allowed me to build my creative and emotional side free of all but the memories (which haunt regardless of what I've tried).

Your intro touched me deeply. I hope you can keep on the road, know there may setbacks, but also know that there are others struggling likewise--we never asked for this, but we know we need each other. 




 

[KayFly]

Thank you for your response woodsgnome.  I am so happy that what I have shared could reach someone else deeply.  And thank you for your encouragement.  I wish the same perseverance in your journey, and you clearly have worked very hard to get where you are. I appreciate your truth in that, you gave up on a cure, and have accepted it is a lifelong journey. Sometimes I have a hard time accepting that. I want it all to go away at once.

I'm sorry to hear you had nowhere to turn as a child. My dog seemed to be my biggest source of appropriate love for me as a child.  I relate to the temporary crutches, and illusions..

You are a good writer. It's nice to know that there are other people that relate to 'not relating to functional families'.  Thank you for sharing. It truly comes from those deep wounds, and I know what you mean by being taken aback by how deep the wounds are. It's hard to comprehend at the moment.

CPTSD has been very trying for my relationship. Thank you for your well wishes. He's been really supportive so far, and I really hope it works out as well.  Sometimes I think about, if I were with someone who had been through similar trauma, maybe they would understand better, but as my therapist pointed out, it would likely cause triggers all over the place in the relationship, and so as much work as it is, I am happy to be seeing someone who had a good enough upbringing.

Its nice to hear someone talk about the hardship in separating yourself physically from your abusers, and then dealing with the repercussions once you've found a safe place.  My creativity has grown.  It's nice to be able to rest a bit after all this too.

You've made me feel welcomed and validated in all that I wrote and you are a huge asset here  . I really appreciate you sharing your resembling feelings, encouragement, and wise observations. Take care.   

[Lifecrafting]

Kayfly, Kudos to you!

I am honoring you and the perseverance it took to not "keep it all a big sacred secret".
I too am new here and I like the way you shared.

Thank you.

[KayFly]

Thanks for your support Lifecrafting! Be well!

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hello kayfly
Thank you very much for sharing
I relate a lot to what you have said
It's very inspiring to hear your recovery journey so far -

I too went through much grief when I went nc and I felt so lonely and would fantasise about 'going home'... I also have history of addiction use
In time the grief turned to freedom and as you say clarity of what actually happened
Through 12 step programmes I have let go of the anger ( mostly ) and have a different attitude and this has been very freeing .. I very rarely feel grief now - a little reflective but in general it's like another life time ago
I feel I am now at age 42 beginning to start the life inside of me I was meant to live
I did some very valuable work with a child trauma therapist and she said that relationships are often the hardest for cptsd survivors .. And yes I can relate to that ! But similar to you I am seeing things quicker now and not jumping in so quickly ..
As I gain myself back I am finding with an improvement in emotional regulation and balance in general I have better resources, integrity and awareness - such great gifts

I wish you all the best on your recovery journey
I find this forum very validating , safe and empowering

[KayFly]

Hello Boatsetsailrose!

Thank you so much for your response. I feel honored to be amongst such strong survivors with such perseverance.  Thank you for sharing about wanting to "go home" and how it eventually turned into something clear and freeing. That is really inspiring and helpful to me during this time as it feels so raw and painful right now, even with the bits of clarity coming my way.

Thank you for sharing that a 12 step program has helped you.  I have had major distrust in 12 step programs, medications, therapists, psychiatrists, and like pretty much anything that walks... and I finally feel like I am coming around to understand there is a way to feel safe in these environments, like on planet Earth . It is really helpful to know that a 12 step program was an asset to you, as I think it could be for me, in time. Maybe not. We'll see

I'm so glad that your healing process is happening quicker.  I spoke with a spiritual healer of sorts one time and she mentioned something along the lines of your healing going as quick as you would like it to...although Pete Walker's insight kind of realistically lays out, quick, could still be a long time, a lifetime. But its good we are recognizing our own progress, and I love the motivation and dedication some have to their healing process, in essence, pushing it along, like you, and others in this forum.

I'm so honored to have heard from you and really appreciate what you had to say.
Thank you for saying you find this forum validating, safe and empowering. 
It really makes me feel like I am doing a good job, which I don't feel enough. That makes me tear up a bit. 

I also wish you the best in your healing journey.
Feel free to reach out anytime

[Kelleyd]

Hello backatcha.  When I read your post this morning I could see that in so many ways we are like a human forms of pandora's box.  I imagine that when we are in the company of "normal people," it highlights how abnormal our experiences and relationships have been. My emotions bubble over unexpectedly when I see my friend's husbands treating then with kindness and love.  On the other hand...I react viscerally (and need to leave soon after) when I see my friend's husband's treat them callously or dismissively. It takes me the rest of the day to get over it.

I look forward to the day when my pandora's box is empty and I can start putting beautiful treasures inside.

It feel so hopeful to be here.

[KayFly]

Hey Kelleyd,

I'm glad that my post reached you in the way that it did, and I am so glad you are feeling hopeful to be here. It's a safe place to relate with others while we go through this sometimes devastating journey.  I am right there with ya, trying to fill that box with beautiful things...

I feel like we are extremely emotionally in tune with our environments, having watched such terrible things in our life, making us a bit more sensitive to things.  I'm sorry.  I know exactly how that feels to have your day ruined by seeing someone who is "normal" mistreat your friends, because we have strived so hard just to stay here and survive, and then to see someone disrespect someone at all, anyone, is not only triggering but its maddening.

IMO they are taking advantage of a health, that some people were not afforded, and taking advantage of it. And they can't even see how much damage that can cause.

You have the right to feel the things you feel about that, and you are very much not alone.  I just hope that it subsides for us, and we can continue watch those feelings/reactions subside, and heal.  We deserve that healing more than we know sometimes.

I'm really touched that you reached out to me, and I am glad you are here, especially knowing you know you can fight your way out of this, and find a beauty. I like your metaphor for a pandora's box. I think you are a beautiful soul, and you will find comfort and healing here.