Does anyone struggle with moving?

[Liliuokalani]

I'm putting this post here because I think it qualifies as an emotional flashback but I honestly am not sure. I HATE moving. It has become traumatizing for me. I know it's probably not pleasant for most people. Finding a new place to live, and then packing everything up, selling things, throwing lots of stuff away, the whole transition is a bit daunting no matter how big or small the move. I have to move all the time. ALL THE TIME. Ever since college began I have never stayed anywhere more than a year or two. For medical school living in an apartment on a tiny island far from home, I had to figure out how to cart things there that aren't available on the island and then figure out how to get rid of more than half of the stuff by the time I needed to go home. Other people could ship barrels of stuff home but it wasn't possible for someone living in the middle of the country like myself, and no one else I knew was living anywhere other than a coastal area where barrels could be shipped. If your bags were overweight there were locals hovering around waiting to take all of your stuff, because you couldn't just pay an overweight fee. I think this was a scam to ensure the locals had a few extra things from the rich students.

I remember the first time I had to pack all my stuff and move to college. I think this is where it all began, and possibly earlier when packing for vacations. I had to pack for college completely alone. I remember being on the verge of tears the whole time because no one was helping me carry my stuff to the car. Everyone else was watching TV. I knew that if I asked for someone to help me I would be guilt tripped or attacked, so I just kept taking stuff to the car but took a lot of breaks. So then it became late at night, I was feeling very lonely, and for a little while the power briefly went out, which made it worse. I feel that lonliness every single time I move.

And when I do have my parents helping out, they always complain the entire time about how I have too much stuff. When I would pack for the island for med school, my mom would also just comment about how I had way too much stuff. And it's true that I usually do have more stuff than my family on vacations. Because I'm the only one that brings enough! Family members are always asking me for extra toiletries, my sister would use my brush, my hair dryer, all of my toiletries without asking before we left for vacation and it was too late for her to pack her own stuff. I brought my computer so that we could watch movies on the plane and my family would just make fun of me for having too much stuff.

I was the scapegoat and my depending on my family to help with all of my stuff just gave them ample fodder to shame and guilt me. And it comes back to me every time I move. You would think I would be desensitized to it after all this moving. But I'm not. Every single time I get so down on myself for having so much stuff. I get envious of the guys that have like two suitcases and that's it. But I also understand that I'm a highly sensitive person who needs a few extra things to feel more comfortable. I am also passionate about my style and I have a ton of clothing because of it. I have a hard time with having a lot of clothing and accessories, I try to pare them down as often as I can, but my sister comments about how I have too many scarves, etc, and then I have that echoing in my head.

When I moved out for medical school rotations to New York, I had to pack all of my earthly belongings into one car and that was it. When I got to my grandma's house she also made comments about how I have so much stuff. And then I wasn't so proud of getting all of my stuff into one car anymore. But I've seen my roommates have just as much stuff, if not more, than me. And they aren't ashamed of it, even when family members complain. Or sometimes family members don't complain at all.

I'm sure if I really wanted to I could live out of two suitcases. But I also have the disadvantage of not wanting to keep some things from childhood at my parents house because I don't talk to them anymore, so I have some sentimental things I need to keep with me. My sister has the benefit of her husband in the air force and so whenever they move, there are strong young air force guys who can pack up all their stuff and move it no problem, no extra cost. My sister moved to Okinawa Japan without much effort. And sometimes when I'm ready to get rid of a bunch of stuff my family than says that I'm getting rid of too much and need to calm down!!! Which is it!

Sorry, I write really long posts, but this issue plagues me often and always. I wish I was excited to move, or at least didn't become horribly depressed and require bottles of wine and lots of TV to get the job accomplished. I wish I had friends that weren't busy with med school that could help me out. That wanted to help me out. I wish I had lots of money and could just have other people back everything for me in a neat and orderly, space saving fashion. I'm a lot better at helping other people back their stuff. But I struggle with all of this guilt and shame of having too many things. But when I unpack the things I'm so glad that I have them. The scarves, the knick knacks, the pictures, I want them all, and have to squeeze them all into my little car.

Someday I'll have a home, and I won't have to squeeze everything into a small space. Someday I will have money and can easily pay other people to professionally move my things. But for now whenever I pack all my things and have to take stock of all my earthly belongings I procrastinate until a day or two until I leave and am depressed and mourn the fact that I'm leaving yet another comfortable home and must create another safe space in a strange city or town. I'm tired of it! I'm tired of being so sad and full of guilt! I just want to be happy and relaxed and not constantly be pushing my comfort zone. I think pushing your comfort zone is great and have done so many times, like when I jumped from a plane, went rock climbing, went to a foreign country for medical school. But does it have to be every day? Especially when it doesn't seem to make me feel any better? Ugh.

So I just want to know... is this normal? Does anyone else think moving sucks? Does anyone else struggle with having lots of things? Or am I the only one that struggles with letting go of things? All my life I have had trouble letting go of things. Because I knew if I didn't keep it, no one would want it, and I would lose it forever. I used to cry every new year because I didn't want a New Year to happen. I mourn change because I am extremely sentimental. That and I think change for me usually meant something bad and stressful and I would have to face it alone. Even when I had a boyfriend I was living with, I had to pack alone even when he said he would help because he had to work on opposite schedules as me. So I've been dealing with this in a very lonely manner. And I hate it.