Blindsided by EF..can't snap out of it. *possible trigger warning*

[Bruised Reed]

I've been NC with NM since Oct and I thought I was handling things fairly well. When it became obvious to me what her behavior was and I was tired of dealing with it, I said enough. DH and I discussed it and we agreed that it was the best thing. Logically I KNEW I did the right thing, but there was still a part of me that kept thinking maybe I was making a bigger deal of things than what it was. I wasn't severely beaten as a child..just slapped across the face quite frequently or "spanked" for reasons I didn't understand. I also was yelled at or put down on a daily basis. But maybe I deserved it or maybe she didn't know better. I know these are just excuses..there are no reasons for this type of behavior, but I was still willing to take some of the blame on myself.  Going NC with her was done from more of a logical standpoint because I wasn't feeling anything except maybe anger over more recent garbage she had pulled.

On Sunday evening, I was triggered bad by being in a place where I heard someone speaking about severe childhood physical abuse and the abuse he had endured as a toddler and the subsequent damage. This is a friend and I was not aware the subject was going to be brought up. He went into detail about it. I was not able to leave the venue and it stirred up a lot of emotions in me. I have been crying off and on since then, feeling really tense and angry at times, feeling really sad at other times and wanting to lock myself in the bathroom and not come out. I'm not sleeping very well and when I do I'm having weird dreams. I'm also remembering a lot of stuff that happened from when I was a child. I feel validated by my own memories, but also crushed at the same time.

I'm not sure what to do with all of this or how to stop it. I saw my T today and he said I was experiencing C-PTSD because of being triggered on Sunday night.  I've never experienced it this bad before.

[Butterfly]

This is difficult and it may be best not to try to stop it. You're feeling feelings, authentic and real,, they need to be felt. Many were raised to suppress feelings or think of them as good or bad. There is no good or bad feelings, rather feelings are ways our body is telling us something. In this case you're facing something that's difficult and your mind doesn't want to admit it but your body needs to get it out.

What you experienced as a child may not be what you or others define as "serious" but make no mistake it was abuse. In fact abuse doesn't even have to include ever being physically touched. Mental and emotional abuse and manipulation takes its toll just as much. It's all control, the body and mind does not distinguish types of control and abuse.

Take some time to practice some self care, self soothing. Give yourself room and freedom to process without criticizing or censoring it. You had enough of that already.

[Bruised Reed]

Thank you. I'm doing a lot better today. I'm in a more accepting place. I'm still having waves of grief, but not that overwhelming sense of hopelessness and anger. I know I have a lot of healing to do and I know there are a lot of memories that will still probably come up. One step at a time.

[Butterfly]

Good to know you're better today. Sometimes we need to go through the day just one moment at a time.

[no_more_fear]

I feel for you so much, bruised reed, and I just want to give you a hug, so here's a couple 

I'm so glad you've gone NC with your NM. The longer you're away from her the clearer things will become in your mind because she won't be able to get into your head.

The denial stage takes time to come out of. It really is tough to get out of. Even though I've remembered most of my horrific childhood, there is still a tiny bit of me (it's getting smaller by the day!) that denys how bad it was. For me the emotional abuse went on for my whole childhood, but there was a period of 3-4 years where I sustained awful physical abuse. I kept telling myself when I moved out of my home that the abuse wasn't that bad, and I then repressed all the memories. But it was that bad. No child should have to go through it for any length of time. What was said before was completely right, as hard as these EF's are, they're a chance to bring us further out of denial. People telling us it was that bad helps, but you need to keep telling yourself, that's the main thing. That horrible ICr is going to keep whispering to you that it wasn't that bad, but it's lieing, it was. You know it in your heart, you just don't want to have to deal with the pain of admitting it fully because it's so hard. I get that, I really do. Denial was your tool to help you survive, and that's all you were trying to do, so don't ever beat yourself up for it. You'll get there though. Keep telling yourself it was that bad, just keep doing that for now and I guarantee you'll get a little closer to uncovering all the memories and beginning your journey to freedom. I wish you the best of luck and keep posting. I stopped posting because I couldn't deal with it, but you have to, it's the only way. 

[Bruised Reed]

Thank you no_more_guilt. I really am doing so much better now. Going through the EFs are torture, but at the same I think it's part of the healing process. This one was the worst I have experienced. I think it was because my memories were telling me that without a doubt I was abused. My inner child was crying that my mother could not have loved me if she treated me like that. It brought me to my knees sobbing. There was no way I could deny it.

But acknowledging it is a huge step in the right direction of letting go of the guilt and the shame. The guilt and shame is on her. Even if I had misbehaved as a child, it was her job to show me in a loving manner how to behave, not to belittle or hit in anger.

I had an opportunity to speak with my friend and his wife on Wednesday about what he spoke about and how it affected me. This couple are fairly new friends to DH and I, but a couple that we have grown close to pretty quickly. He said that when he speaks about the abuse he went through, it takes him about 2-3 days to get rid of the toxic feeling. Besides DH, these two people were the first two people that I have spoken to about the abuse. Just speaking out about it helped so much. It's like a barrier was broken.

[Butterfly]

Oh goodness what a horrible EF. I remember my worst EF followed get a lightbulb moment. Looking back it was a turning point in a positive way but at the time it was terrible. I'm glad you have ones in real life to talk to who understand. I have DH and my siblings are still s bit FOGed so it's best we don't discuss it. Like your friend, when I do talk about it in real life it takes me some time to calm the feelings it brings up.

[Indigochild]

Hey Bruised Reed

First of all, good for you for protecting your boundaries.
It is terribly upsetting when someone / a parent, won't change.
Maybe its not their fault they can not change.
Fear may be too strong, deniel to protect from the pain, or they just can't see it, and no persuasion is making the see it.

It is so sad that people so disordered can not always see you.

I am at a crossroads with my own narcissistic mother.
I am in no way ready to decide how i want our relationship to be, if I want one, and same with my dad, so I can not offer you the bet advice, or really, any.
I think i understand too much to completely quit seeing her, with out proof that her behavour will never change.
I have never talked to her about NPD, about childhood experiences, nothing.
Im pretty sure she would blame me and reject me, but you never know until it happens, but there must be something that happened in the past to make me think this.

I do think decisions like this have to be made when a person had fully grieved their losses of the relationship with their mother / person.
Maybe you have finished greiving, angering etc.

It could be deniel.
Maybe you think you are not good enough to be with out you mum, so you are making excuses / empathy excuses for her.

I do think that even if you was beaten more, you would still make excuses. Whatever we had done to us becomes our normal.
As with emotional abuse.
Blaming yourself is probably caused by the emotional abuse...and as a child, we make up things to help us feel we are in control, its an illusion of control, when we are intact unable to control anything.

I am sorry your having this dilemma and that you were triggered so badly. I believe its all for the greater good in the end, even if it doesn't feel like it.

It seems like you are in conflict. Sounds to me like you need to be angry, sad etc, grief. Let yourself feel shock.

I hope you can work it all out.