Was it the right thing to do? *trigger warning*

[no_more_fear]

Hi everyone,

I'm so scared right now and could really do with some support.

My foo that live very close to me refused to give me back a disabled parking badge that was issued to me years ago when I became ill. They always kept it and I was too frightened to ever ask if I could have it, even though it was rightfully mine.

I kept denying how bad the abuse was until yesterday when some more repressed memories returned and I finally started to believe how awful it was. I remembered how she had completely squashed my fight response when one time when I was young I screamed at her and in response she nearly broke my jaw and threatened to kill me, holding a knife to my throat.

Coming out of denial about the abuse made me realise that the only way I'll get better is by sticking up for myself, so today I phoned the police and explained how she refused to return my badge. They said they'd try and get someone to call with me at some point, but they turned up at the door only an hour later.

When they came in I explained everything to them and they said they'd go and see my foo right away. They went and returned to my house about 45 minutes later with my badge. I was virtually hyperventilating while they were gone and worried more the longer they took to come back because I was sure something terrible was happpening.

They said to me that everything went OK and my m was annoyed with them as opposed to me, but I don't know if I can believe that. I could smell her on their clothes and now I'm positive that she went her usual shade of crazy and hit them. But omg how guily do I feel that I launched her into an EF by someone taking something from her, even though it was mine ffs! Omg I'm so guilty, even though she abused me for years. This is horrendous!

Did I do the right thing by getting the police involved? But it was the only way to get my property back. I'm so worried she'll try and get into my home and kill me tonight. Anytime I stuck up for myself in childhood I had * to pay so I'm sure I'll have to pay now. I know this is just an EF but I'm so scared.

Thanks for reading.

[mourningdove]

Hi nmg,

It sounds to me like you did the right thing. You needed your parking badge and your FOO wouldn't give it back. It doesn't sound like a situation in which you could have safely reasoned with someone to get it. You absolutely did not do anything wrong by calling the police.

I'm sorry you are feeling scared, nmg. It makes perfect sense, though, in light of the horrible experiences you had as a child. Please take good care. You are not alone. 

[no_more_fear]

Hi morningdove,

That's just what I needed to hear. I feel so sad for who I was. I was a lovely girl, I didn't deserve that and I shouldn't be forced to do these things. I should have had a parent that loved me. I haven't been able to cry for nearly ten years, but I can feel that I'm getting closer now. The more that I tell myself I wasn't bad, the more I start to pity the girl I was and the closer I get to tears. When the grieving starts I can start releasing all this pain, but I'm so scared. It hurts so badly.

[mourningdove]

That's right. You were not bad. There is nothing any child can do to deserve what you got. That was abuse and it's heartbreaking because you deserved to be safe and loved. I'm so sorry that you didn't get those things. I have trouble crying, too.

[Indigochild]

Hi there no more guilt

I hope your alright. Sorry i read this too late. What you probably needed was someone there with you that night, and in desperation, reached out to us.
It must be terrifying living alone.

Its understandable that you would be terrified. This may be an emotional flashback to past abuse, and having you stand up for yourself taken off you, but if it is a possibility that your mum may come and hurt you...then it is real, and a real danger.

What did you do in the end that night? Was there anything that comforted you? I hope you were able to sleep, although it was probably not as deep and restful as usual.

I understand this fear completely.  And i also understand feeling guilty, because you understand that your parents are hurt vulnerable people also, and that their actions are a result of their pain due to past abuse and awful childhoods.

---May trigger---worried it wasnt ok to write this and that it might undo your process...or make you empathise with your mum----

I am at a difficult place, where in my head, i am seeing both sides, unusual for me as i am a black and white thinker.
To what degree do we let others mistreat us, with out doing anything about it to protect us, whilst still being understanding towards them about their difficulties?- thats what I'm trying to get my head round.

If there was a way to be there for those what hurt us, even though they were unable to be here for us= for whatever the reason, that would be ok i guess...but it has to be safe, and i am not ok with leaving a person, just because they are unable to see how they are messed up and how they are mistreating us, but sometimes maybe it is the only way to stay safe.
its not fair as they didnt plan to be messed up, they didnt plan to not see that they need help etc. so its literally a dead end and such a waste of a person, as they never realised and changed themselves.
What annoys me is that it is not their fault...they are little children like us who are hurting.
It is difficult knowing that you could have sent your parent into an emotional flashback.
They have been doing that to you constantly, maybe unaware, but you are aware that you might be doing that.
I am contious of this too a lot.  Its a horrible feeling worrying that you might have.
When you didnt do anything mean, it isn't your fault if your parents / mum had an ef.  Theres nothing we can do about that but i know it sucks.

I have no idea what the right course of action would be- but you went to the police because going to your parents was out of the question based on what happened when you stood up for yourself in the past.

I am glad your out of denial about the abuse and i congratulate you on standing up for yourself.
Maybe the police sensed what is going on, and therefore said to you that she was annoyed with them.

Aparently people who suffered abuse feel guilty and apparently it is all part of them needing to be wrong in order to control the situation, or rather, to feel in control of the situation. As you said, you are near to greif and its scary and overwhelming, so maybe the guilt and empathy for parents is a distraction. My T thinks this is the case. And it may be the inner critic siding in a way with the abusers, and you being able to feel sad for abuser, instead of yourself- projection.
But it is also reality- maybe you are seeing the reality more. Because all i am saying above is reality,...not just your head making it up, just it can also be used as a coping mechanism to get away from the reality that is YOUR reality, that it happened to YOU.

I think it would be ok to ring the police. Make sure you are with people if you feel alone and unsafe.
If you have anyone. It is not nice to be so scared, until you learn how to deal with a situation if anything does actually happen...and until you learn how to deal with the fear.

I hope all the empathy for parents thing i wrote isn't new to you, therefore doesnt spur you on feeling guilty. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. They were unable to protect you, so now you need to protect yourself, two wrongs dont make a right.
You should be proud of yourself. 

[no_more_fear]

That's right. You were not bad. There is nothing any child can do to deserve what you got. That was abuse and it's heartbreaking because you deserved to be safe and loved. I'm so sorry that you didn't get those things. I have trouble crying, too.

Thank you, morningdove. It's safety that is the whole problem for me. I categoricslly never felt safe when I was young. I really hope you get a bit closer to easier crying. I know it's because we cried so much back then that we don't. Also the lack of tears comes from the fact that we refuse to feel empathy for ourselves. Saying it isn't helping me hugely right now though  I'll keep trying though. Thank you again for your words and support.

[no_more_fear]

Hi there no more guilt

I hope your alright. Sorry i read this too late. What you probably needed was someone there with you that night, and in desperation, reached out to us.
It must be terrifying living alone.

Its understandable that you would be terrified. This may be an emotional flashback to past abuse, and having you stand up for yourself taken off you, but if it is a possibility that your mum may come and hurt you...then it is real, and a real danger.

What did you do in the end that night? Was there anything that comforted you? I hope you were able to sleep, although it was probably not as deep and restful as usual.
As you said, you are near to greif and its scary and overwhelming, so maybe the guilt and empathy for parents is a distraction. My T thinks this is the case. And it may be the inner critic siding in a way with the abusers, and you being able to feel sad for abuser, instead of yourself- projection.
But it is also reality- maybe you are seeing the reality more. Because all i am saying above is reality,...not just your head making it up, just it can also be used as a coping mechanism to get away from the reality that is YOUR reality, that it happened to YOU.

I think it would be ok to ring the police. Make sure you are with people if you feel alone and unsafe.
If you have anyone. It is not nice to be so scared, until you learn how to deal with a situation if anything does actually happen...and until you learn how to deal with the fear.

I hope all the empathy for parents thing i wrote isn't new to you, therefore doesnt spur you on feeling guilty. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

No, don't worry at all Indigochild. I know people here can't respond right away, and I'm getting much better at dealing with that. I live with my SO and I feel pretty safe with him, but also have that guarded side me of me that never fully trusts someone. I've come to the conclusion that it's the fact that I'm so guarded and always hold a bit back that's stopping me from grieving. I need to let go. If you have any pointers on that it would be great 

The other night it was my SO that calmed me down, again. I seriously wonder if he can cope with much more of this and I feel so sorry for him. I've talked of nothing else for months, and after the above happened I remembered more of how my mum used to beat me relentlessly, so I called the police again and am starting a case against her. She can't get away with this anymore. The case will probably go on for a year or more so it's going to be tough going.

And was I possibly in an EF the other day? You were completely right. I was. That's exactly what I've told my SO to say everytime I start acting a bit scatty etc. So thanks for highlighting that.

No the empathy thing that you wrote about wasn't new to me, so don't worry at all on that score. It was right on target.

Great pointer your T had made about maybe empathy being just a distration from grief. That was a great point and thanks you so much for telling me.

Again, thank you so much. I'm just so so tired with everything that's happened. 

[Boatsetsailrose]

*trigger*

Dear no more guilt

I am sorry to hear your story and the feelings that come with that story -

There was a knife brandished in my foo once and it terrified me - even now (42yrs old ) I have a fear of knives

May I say - you did what u felt was right - and someone with holding someone's legal aid is commiting a criminal act so ....
On the flip side for you dealing with the ef after shows the level of the distress that the past behaviour is playing in you
For me when something's plays it is good because I get to work with it fresh and that is a step closer to recovery - I get shown what I need to work on -
I find affirmations are good ( I used to hate them until therapist said when I make when I make it so it has meaning for me
One might be 'I am safe - I shall stay safe

best wishes to you hope things are easing