hello. New here.

[neveragainmat]

I'm new here. Going out on a limb, wanting to assure myself I'm not alone and that other people understand. I can't let anyone in but I need to. I'm terrified so I'm seeking help. I've been in therapy on and off for 20 years. No relief. Small town in a small county. Few here value mental health services.

I have three kids that are my absolute world. I will do anything to protect them. Right now, I need to get relief from c-ptsd, so I'm setting up every safety net, source of healing and support that I can, no matter how scary.

I feel like an idiotic nut who should be over the hurts of the past. I would not say that to anyone else because I don't believe it's true for anyone but me. I don't like myself much because I feel I'll always be broken. I know somewhere deep inside that isn't true and I want to be healthy, happy. My kids need me to want that for myself.   

[OOTS11]

Hi, I'm new here too. I just wanted to say to you that 1) YOU'RE NOT ALONE and 2) the past is a part of you, "getting over" it is not forgetting it, but it's keep moving forward too. YOU LIVED WHAT YOU LIVED, and it hurt you, it wounded you, yes. But now that you are out of the storm, you need to get to the shore, for your life's sake, it's no good to anchor in the middle of the ocean. You have to deal with it, 'cause this wounds won't heal alone. I found this quote from Iyanla Vanzant: "You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people, but until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them".  Make peace and move on. Don't lock it in a deep dark room, it'll eventually intoxicate you. To fight darkness, you shed light. Another quote, by E. L. Doctorow: "It's like driving a car at night. You never see further than your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way." You can do it, even if the road's seems endless. Now, if your environment isn't supportive, find somewhere that is. And I know that on-and-off-and-once-again therapy can be disheartening, but keep looking the best possible, you'll find something that will help you go through this till you get out. Just keep pushing, for one day, a normal day, with no big surprise you'll realize that oh, I'm out of it, 't feels good and you'll smile and you'll be able to say Good Job.
Hope it helps, XOX

[mourningdove]

Welcome, neveragainmat! 

I feel like an idiotic nut who should be over the hurts of the past. I would not say that to anyone else because I don't believe it's true for anyone but me.

I have this same problem and I think it is very common for people with C-PTSD. I'm glad that on some level you know it isn't true and that you are determined to make the journey toward healing. It has been a struggle for me so far, but well worth the effort. Best wishes on finding the happiness and healthiness that you deserve.

Welcome, OOTS11! 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Never again Mat

Thank you for sharing - I understand because it is my story too
I have been in various therapy since age 20 I am now 42 yrs ...
I used to go through that my mind saying 'you should be sorted by now-
I don't believe that anymore -

C PTSD seems to be a layer thing and it has taken time to work through each layer and that layer has had so many levels - the trauma effects have shot through all facets of me as a human being - mental health - relationships - identity - esteem - worth - trust - love - brain chemistry - mood - fear - life choices - motivation - addiction - the list goes on

Addiction has been a problem for me and I now have freedom from all that -
I only identified with c PTSD last year had never heard of it before -
I just received Pete walkers book and had been on his website - am grateful for his experience and understanding taking solutions for our difficulties -


It's good u are here and brave to share -
Setting up support and what is going to aid healing has been so important for me and it's really good to hear you are doing this to 
That critical inner voice is part of our damage and for me after doing some work with a child trauma specialist that voice has died down -
Developing that self of self and identity is so important
I believe ( and in the main always have ) that healing to the point where we feel good and actually feel better ( not in an ego way in a innate way) than than the average joe -
I see I am a deep person because of my experiences and am multi faceted and reaching depths of despair the only way has been onwards and upwards ( even when I haven't felt like that
I wish u all the best -
This forum is helping me each time I come

[OOTS11]

Hi mourningdove  thanks for welcoming me, I don't know why but I was getting anxious about none saying anything to me.. well, wish you the best! 

[Indigochild]

Hi there neveragainmat

Good for you for taking the steps to reach out.
It is so empowering to see how much you care for your kids, and only want the best for them.
Its great that you realise that taking care of yourself, positively effects them.

I feel like an idiot too so i can relate to that. People just dont seem to understand, but there are people in the world who do.
Its just finding them.
I would encourage you to keep pursuing with the therapy.

OOTS11, great great post, very inspiring.

Welcome neveragainmat

[Lifecrafting]

Hi Neveragainmat,

I also am new here. My sharing has been minimal but find myself wanting to say hi to others who are new to OOTS so that helps me stay connected until I find a comfortable spot to share myself... Thank you for posting so that I can say Hi to you!!

I too am terrified. The inability to let others in, to ask for help - to share and allow others to validate my healthy endeavors as well as my pain.... this is all  alien to me.  But like you, I need to be here and wherever else I find support to help me move from this place where I feel like I'm not OK.

As you will see, many here will recommend Pete Walkers book CPTSD from surviving to thriving; I just started it and agree wholeheartedly that is a must read. It helps me feel better.

Take care of yourself, hope to see you back soon.