Bored in life

[Indigochild]

Hello everyone

I hope this isn't a pointless question

I know there are a lot of you who have emotional flashbacks, and as a result (and other cptsd related reasons) find socialising, social situations and people difficult and triggering.

Is there anything you guys do that you feel ok doing - things that dont set you off, outside of the house?
My life is so boring, and for us, the weekend begins of Thursday, (I'm unemployed), so I have three days of not doing a lot.
Life is so empty and boring, and devoid of any comfortable connection- not that I'm good at connecting.
I feel miserable at the thought of the weekend, I'm just bored.
Maybe something fun inside the house...but i have no idea what i could do.

My doom and gloom at holidays or weekends goes back to how i felt at home I'm guessing, as i hated being at home and felt this way then, even though school wasnt good either, I wasnt bored as i was doing something.

I would rather be bored than triggered, but I am so bored.
Any thoughts / suggestions would be welcome

[CreativeCat]

Hi Indigochild,

When I'm bored or at a loose end or generally need some time for myself I like to get lost in something creative and before I know it the hours have whizzed by and I feel so calm and relaxed. I've enjoyed painting and drawing and mosaic - all of them have the same effect on me.

If you haven't done anything creative before there are lots of more structured things for beginners now for adults like mindfulness coloring books with beautiful intricate designs/ paint by numbers for adults/ foil scratching. It also gives something to see at the end and a sense of pride that I created something 

[Indigochild]

Thank you CreativeCat!

That is a great idea and not a costly one. I used to draw all the time, but lost inspiration due to my mums comments about it.
I should get back into it again, i mean, know one will see them so whose going to criticise!
I do think my creativity is stifled and i cant find it so thanks a lot for the suggestions.
Colouring books could be fun even though they make me sad. I will have to be choosy about the type i get.

Cheers 

[sunnyday1]

The coloring pages are awesome - I've started doing that when I'm having a really difficult time shifting my brain away from anxiety.  It really helps.

One thing I do when I need to get out is go to the library.  I can sit there and read and am around people, but in a non triggering way for me.

[no_more_fear]

I wish I had an answer for you, Indigochild. I'm exactly the same i.e dread weekends because that's how I felt at home, so you're not alone there.

When I force myself to leave the house I find just sitting in a coffee shop with a book helps. I can sit there for as long as I want, so it helps with the 'must keep busy' mindset that I have.

I go to a relaxation class as well which is good when I get there, although last time I went there was a new girl at it who kept looking at me, which triggered me. I'll keep trying to find things and let you know when I find something.

[Brick]

Hi Indigochild!

I like to get out of the house and ride a bicycle. It usually stops the EFs pretty quickly. I don't pretend to understand the link, but it is there. I'm bigger and older than many other riders, and the social conundrum of public exercise kept me away for years, just from wishing to not be seen at all. But they aren't paying any attention to me. I can choose to interact with a wave or a word, or I can pedal on my own path. I never thought about it, but it's been a safe place to develop boundaries.

I also would like to encourage creativity! Dover Pub. has a series of coloring books that are really fun and design-oriented.

A few months ago, a friend loaned me a little box of Legos. They are an auxiliary supply of the millions belonging to her son. I built a car...just like it was thirty-five years ago. Sometimes I just stick them together by color. I'm alone and there's no wrong way to do it!

I hope this helps

[Indigochild]

Hi Sunnyday1

I am glad you like the pages.  And the library is also a good idea.
I have gone and sat in a coffee shop before, but i always have these paranoid thoughts that people will think I'm a loaner, weird etc. but maybe the are not, and this wouldnt always stop me.

Thanks for your input 

[Indigochild]

Hi No more guilt

Im sorry you also dread weekends because of your previous home life.
Do you mind if I ask you what it feels like to you when you dread? Do you have memories and therefore can connect the past feelings to now?
Im not entirely sure why exactly i dread the weekends but know that i do and i do think a large part of it has to do with the fact that i was so bored at home- parents didnt do anything with us during the holidays and it was better to be at school even if it isn't good either, because doing something is a distraction.
I think looking back that i felt derealised and depersonalised due to disassociating at home, but until i realised that that was what i am experiencing now, I never realised that that was what was going on at home.
I find that routine can help with the depersonalsation but not derealisatin.

Not going out due to emotional flashbacks dont help.

That would be uncomfortable having someone stare at you.

Thanks so much for saying that you will let me know if you find something that works for you. I hope the class is enjoyable if you keep going.  Thanks so much for your comment 

[Indigochild]

Hi Brick

I used to love bike riding also.
That sounds good, because i guess you do have controll over who you talk to, because when riding, you cant stop to speak to them, and if you wish to, you can.
I find bike riding liberating, freeing. I guess it would give you a sense of freedom / independence when emotional flashbacks are happening.

Thanks for telling me about Dover Pub. Thats a funny name. I will check them out.
It will be good to try to get my creativity back.
i never had lego as a kid, which is strange, as most people, even girls seem to have had it.
All of these suggestions sound good, thanks very much.

I guess these things can help relax you and get you out of your head, which is good.
Good to take a break 

[Indigochild]

Hello again,
just dropping by to say thanks for the colouring suggestions- did some tonight and time just flies by.
Its relaxing and creative.
There will always be an element to colouring that makes me sad, but for now, i can deal.
So yeah, thanks a lot 

[no_more_fear]

Hi No more guilt

Im sorry you also dread weekends because of your previous home life.
Do you mind if I ask you what it feels like to you when you dread? Do you have memories and therefore can connect the past feelings to now?

Hi Indigochild,

So sorry I'm just seeing this and only replying. I've had a bad few days what with police etc, but I'm feeling more settled so will keep checking back here.

When I feel dread it's like a cavern has opened in the pit of my stomach that nothing could ever fill. I've traced it back to the way I felt when I was coming home from school, and Friday especially. Is that the way you feel, the pit opening up in your stomach, I mean?

The depersonalisation and derealisation is the same for me. I remember being at school, and especially when I was leaving to go home, thinking, this isn't happening to me. At the time I was suffering near daily beatings. I hate mentioning the physical abuse in case it triggers anyone. If it does, please tell me and I'll stop mentioning it.

I didn't actually go back to the class yet  That girl staring at me when I was at the last one triggered me so much more than I realised. Funnily, I deluded myself into thinking that I just didn't feel up to going the other day, when of course that's nonsense. It's only when I'm not in an EF that I can see things clearly.

Oh and guess what!? I've just worked out another thing that tiggers me, food. My NM wouldn't let me eat much. Again, I'm sorry if that triggers anyone. As if this C-PTSD could get any worse! Oh no, I've just gone deeper into another EF because I'm sitting here typing and believing that the whole world is against me  This is so hard

I hope you're doing well, Indigochild. I'm here for you anytime you need it. 

[Indigochild]

Hi nomoreguilt,

Don't worry about that at all. I know you are having problems with the police after reading your other thread yesterday.
Im sorry its all so horrible for you. I do hope they can do something for you.
You should reward yourself / inner child, for making attempt to protect yourself.

Thanks so much for telling me how dread feels for you.
I have never really focused on the feeling of dread. Im trying to focus more on bodily sensations, as I have never been aware of these (disassociate) ...anxiety when i dread feels like it is going up and down in my chest, like a knife, - i imagine it as a green acid that looks like smoke going up and down in a strait line.
Perhaps dread is like a pit in my stomach. 
When i dread the weekend, i feel empty....and on realising i craved my mother figure...i feel so empty, awful feeling.

Im not sure if i experienced derealisation and or depersonalisation on going home from school....actually YES I did.
I had ocd which i used to hold onto reality ..as when i came home- i felt so alone and i couldn't handle that. My OCd helped me feel in control and as though i could carry on feeling the same as i felt at school, and it also helped me feel closer to the teacher i wished was my mother at school.
i thought that was the only reason i tried to hold on...and then i felt disconnected from that part of my day when i came home- which i think was derealisation...but maybe home was just so hard that i disassociated, therefore thats why i also derealised.
humm.
But yes, one day after school, i was walking home, and i suddenly couldn't remember what day of the week it was, such a weird feeling, and i was struggling and struggling to figure it out as i walked.
I cant remember if the world felt strange at that moment. Possibly.
But in primary school, after two trips, i experienced derealisation. Don't remember if i feel dread at going home, maybe sadness...but very derealised. Nothing felt normal, and i know that when you come back from being on holiday, the house can look unfamiliar for a while?
My parents said it did, but maybe they also experienced derealisation.
It was an unsettling feeling, and lasted for days.

It no longer triggers me hearing about physical abuse. Thanks for the thought though, but no...talk away.

Sorry your were unable to go back to class. I understand about emotional flashbacks and not knowing at the time that they are happening.
Do you think you would be able to work out whats happening? Are you in therapy? hope you dont mind me asking that.

Yes, the memories / realisations of what happened and of what is happening now is hard .Very hard.
I have heard about turning something that seems or is bad to you, such as weekends, into something you enjoy, so for eg. if you mum wouldn't let you eat, you could eat lots of nice things at the weekend...maybe it changes the brain so that it associates something bad with something good.

My NM wouldnt let me eat much either. How funny is that. Maybe its normal for narcissist.

Thanks for being so lovely. I am here for you too, and so sorry that your struggling.
Do feel free to update on how your weekend is going, if you like- weather bad or good.
It would be comforting to be able to share, with people who *get it*.

[no_more_fear]

Hi Indigochild,

Thanks for your reply. It's great to know you're there, so thank you. I'm so grateful for the wonderful people here. You all help me so much. More than you could ever know. I wish I could hug you, but this'll have to do!  It's so wierd, but I'm getting fixated on the thought that I'm getting to know everyone here better, (especially you) and right now and I feel like I finally have someone. It's crazy that I get so overly-attached to people. Not our fault though. But your situation is so similar to mine. For example the OCD, I had that. With me it was more about keeping busy so as not to think about things. It was nervousness too because I used to touch things right before I left my bedroom because I was so scared to leave it as when I did, more often than not, my NM would stop me I'd invariably get some form of abuse. I also convinced myself that if I touched things a certain number of times, then she wouldn't be there to acost me. I'm sure there was an element of it tethering me to reality as well though. To this very day I have trouble identifying the days of the week. And that thing you mentioned about the house seeming strange when you come home from holidays? It's when I watch the TV after returning from holiday, all the characters seem very strange. It's as if I can't identify with them anymore. Do you ever find that? It settles down after a day or so though.

Don't ever worry aboout asking me questions. Ask away. To be honest it's a good feeling to know that I can help and someone's interested in my opinion 

Yes I have worked out what the EF during that relaxation class was about. It was because my NM used to stare at me for ages at a time and I'd say, 'what is it? Have I got something on my face?' and she'd say 'no, I just hate you so much'.  God, it's hard thinking about this stuff. Sorry if that triggers anyone by the way.

And therapy, yes I am seeing someone, my original T. She's brilliant. You probably saw from my thread in the therapy section that I said she was awful? Well, I worked out that I'd actually been in a deep EF when I saw her, and my OC was going postal! In my first 5 sessions with her I dissociated when she was saying anything good and seized on everything that I thought was a little bit suspect that she said. Luckily she completely understood and agreed to see me again. I saw her last night and although I was very scared of seeing her again and it was a really tough session, it definitely helped. I even had the courage to negotiate a lower fee for the sessions, which she agreed to. Very proud of myself for that one. Go me!  I'm sorry, I'm in a pretty bad EF right now and can't remember much, are you in therapy yourself?

You're right, the anxiety does feel like a knife in my chest. I bet that's why I thought I've had heartburn all these years! Crazy. Nothing in my life ever feels real.

Oh and thank you for your suggestions of ways to combat the anxiety, like eating nice things at the weekend. I'm going to do that.

This is so terrible. I spoke to the police and they told me if I remembered anything else to write it down and now I'm having all these terrible memories of her hitting me over the head with an iron. I'm sorry for mentioning this, I'm just at breaking point. I won't let her beat me though. I have to keep surviving.

[Indigochild]

Hi no more guilt

Yes, i understand that. Its funny to me when i recognise i have read posts before from a perticular person, you start to build up a picture of their struggles...i would say them...but i guess a persons struggles are not actually them, but a thing that is happening to them. But yes, you do feel like you know a person better, and truth is, you probably do.

I get very attracted to others too.
Im hoping its gone away since my recent run in with a narcissist.

You know what, this is the first time I've ever met someone else who also had OCD.
For a long time, i was so embarrassed about it until i knew what it was.
I was in trouble for it a lot at home...long story...but know one saw it as a coping mechanism, let alone the real reason it was happening.
I wasn't able to do that in the end...thus dissociation although Dis was probably always there.
Im still trying to figure that out.
I think it all sounds very logical, why we have Ocd ic behaviours.
Its all about getting control, trying to alter your unfortunate circumstances when you are unable to controll anything.

Yes perhaps OCd was keeping you disasociated, i believe it does...because you are instead focusing on that- your own internal world even if it is to control the outside world.
In the Pete Walker type 4fs he wrote, he said about oCD flight types...not sure if he means actual OCD behaviours, or working too much to get away.
Have you read it? the link is here if not:
http://www.pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm

I think i have experienced watching TV and the characters not seeming the same.
I find that if i have had some time with out internet or TV / youtube...im happy with out it, even if i miss it slightly...but yes when i watch again...the characters seem not as relatable..plastic...this could just be normal...ive lost interest for a while..im not sure.
If you have trouble with the days of the week, it sounds like dissociation.
Im glad you don't mind my questions.

Im glad you worked out what your Ef was about.
What a horrible, terrible thing for your mother to say to you.
It makes sense for it to be upsetting to you now in the present.
I don't know why that girl at the class would stare anyway. Maybe its because you are just stunningly beautiful!!


Glad your in therapy also. I do worry that if i ask that, people may think I'm pressuring them to go to therapy / to change...and that they might feel unable to explain that they are not ready.
Although, you don't have to be ready for change...and the fact that you might not be is a reason to be in therapy.
I do ramble i know.

Are you sure that you are not ignoring your intuition about you original T?
I just have to say that, because i do it all the time.
Just because the others were no good, and you saw your original T as being better, doesn't mean that she is the best either.

Its great you went to the session, and well done for disguising fees!
I am in therapy- just started. I find it don't remember much too when I'm in one. Im learning so much all the time.
Nothing does ever feel real. You don't trust your own perceptions of whats happening.
i have to have someone else say to me that i am right about what is happening, only then i can believe it.

Have you had anything nice to eat today?

The police may not realise that it is harder for you to write down memories.
I do hope you are managing with your flashback.
I am here if you wish to talk it out.

I think your efforts to try and survive will be worth it in the end. 

[no_more_fear]

Hi Indigochild,

I'm so sorry you had another run in with a narc. That must have been awful for you. We see dysfunction in other people and we're unconsciously attracted by it, so in no way should you ever blame yourself. I've done it over and over, so I know how easy it is.

OCD giving us a sense of control is exactly right. Control is what I've always craved in life, but I was never so twisted and disgusting as my NM that I ever felt good about having it. That's partly what happened with my T, I wanted to control her at a base level, but the biggest thing for me was making her like me. I tried to be perfect for her and then when I was late for a session I just imploded and thought, I don't have the energy for this anymore and looked for every excuse as to why she was bad. I was yet again angering at the wrong people, when it should be my FOO that I'm angering at. It was definitely that, so don't worry that my fight response has been extinguished, yet again. I know that she's definitely good and I'm safe with her. And I don't at all think you're trying to change me or encourage me into therapy, you're only ever looking out for me, I can see that in everything that you say. You don't ramble either, you talk complete sense. And yes, I have read the Pete Walker typology, thanks for the link.

Oh, I meant to say to you, I asked my SO last night what fear feels like in the body and like you, he said it's a feeling in your chest. I think the reason I assumed fear was felt in the stomach is because she always used to punch me in the stomach and wind me. There's also the food thing. I was starving so much of the time that I equate an empty stomach with fear.

I'm in a deep EF at the minute which I can't really get out of. I think it's just extreme nerves about all this police stuff. It's like I'm back there at the moment and I can't seem to convince myself that I'm not.

Thank you for saying the girl at the class may have just thought I was pretty. Funny, I kept telling myself that at the time as my OCr was on a rampage!   

Yes, I did have something nice to eat yesterday, thanks. I'll be doing the same today as well  What about you, did you do or eat anything nice?

Thank you for everything and being there for me, you've helped so much.