He can't forgive me/I can't forgive myself

[darcyfitz]

After years and years of therapy and mis-diagnosis, I finally figured out that I have well-earned CPTSD. Four weeks ago, began 150 mgs of Wellbutrin, and by coincidence or thanks to the meds, I finally "got it." I was able to look back over my entire life and see the craziness that had been ruling it -- the EFs, the triggers, etc. I am pretty much text book. I got it, and I was well on the way to fixing it, through meditation and mindfulness. But my "condition" and the things it caused me to do really affected my BF of 12 years. I did really bad things that hurt him badly. He stuck with me, but I don't think I can forgive myself for that. He says, in his good moments, that it is an "it," and not me, but as we are finally able to work through those things, he yells at "me," is angry at "me," and I understand that. I know I did horrible things that I need to take responsibility and make up for. I am trying so hard not to be selfish and self-centered, but I just don't know how much more of his anger I can take. I was doing so well, really moving forward in a very healthy way, and I crashed this weekend. The Inner Critic is back, and I can't stop her. I understand that the fear of abandonment is key to the diagnosis, but this is not just an EF -- he is going to leave me, and I deserve it, because of what I have done. I really don't think I can get through this.

[schrödinger's cat]

Oh wow, that sounds bad. I'm so sorry that you're going through all this, especially when you've been on the road to recovery.

You seem to take the responsibility for your boyfriend's anger on yourself alone. Now, maybe you caused it or maybe you didn't, I don't know. But how he expresses his anger is his choice. It's his area of responsibility. I'm not saying that your boyfriend gets to never mention his anger, or to never show it. But you have every right in the world to defend yourself. You have every right to ask him to show his anger in a way that's safe for you to be around. You are not the scapegoat here. Your mistakes don't give anyone a free pass to unload their aggression upon you. Your boyfriend can go see a therapist for that, or go into the woods to scream, or just chop down a tree or something. If you had a spinal injury, would he mock-wrestle with you? Maybe in a perfect world, he'd be able to go to you with his unresolved feelings and you'd work it out together, what do I know. But as things are, you're already injured - gravely injured - and you've got every right to keep yourself safe while you're still healing.

Even if you were already fully healed, there's got to be fairness. Even if you've done really bad things, that doesn't give your BF a free pass to just take his anger and fling it at you. There've got to be rules. I've been married for 15 years, and we've hurt each other a lot and have lots of old issues to resolve, but that's precisely WHY we desperately need those rules. No ad hominem attacks, no all-or-nothing thinking. No "...you ALWAYS do this!", "you NEVER did that!", "you're such a----!", "why did I EVER----!". No assumption that "I'm innocent, you're entirely to blame". No passive aggressiveness. No keeping silent about our hurt feelings and then secretly blaming the other person for not reading our minds. No simply withdrawing and freezing the other person out. No yelling, no crowding me, no physical aggression, no physical intimidation.

And this isn't about deserving or earning good treatment. Fairness and chivalry and consideration need to happen no matter what. They're like food at a dinner party: it's what happens, it's what the party is about.

Do you have a therapist you can talk to about this? Or is there couples therapy that might help? I'm sad to hear that you've got this huge worry to deal with in addition to everything else. Hang in there. I hope that the wind will soon be at your back again.

[keepfighting]

Hi, darcyfitz,

my heart goes out to you!   

I have a feeling that you're taking on more responsibility than is warranted. It's good that you are strong enough to take responsibility to try and change your own behavior but don't keep beating yourself up about every big or little mistake of the past. You're painting a black-and-white picture that says 'bf all good for 12 years and me all bad for 12 years'. This scenario doesn't sound very realistic.

The rages of your bf which you describe worry me a bit, too, especially since (if I'm reading it correctly) they seem to have started/accelerated after you've gotten stronger through your new meds and your aha-moment. They sound a bit like narcissistic rages, unpredictable and unsafe. No matter what you've done, that is not an appropriate way to respond (cat has listed a few healthier alternatives). Only you know the situations that start these rages. I've found a link about narcissistic rages and tips how to deal with them (might help with other kinds of rages, too): http://thenarcissisticlife.com/how-to-deal-with-narcissistic-rage/

I understand your fear of abandonment. It's very deeply rooted in CPTSD. But please don't let it become your slave master. You're worth more than that!

Couples therapy sounds like a good idea - fresh eyes and a fresh perspective. Is that a possibility for you guys?

You're gonna get through this. Be very very good to yourself, enlist all the help you can get (professionals, friends, family - whoever is supportive and willing to fight your corner with you), stay safe and keep posting. We're here for you! 

kf

[darcyfitz]

Thanks to both of you. I would love to go to couples therapy, and he says he would like to go, too, but right now, our individual therapies cost too much to afford yet another $120 hour a week. Another new development with him recently is that he just will not talk about my disorder unless it's on his terms, and that's what broke me this weekend. He turned to me in the middle of a completely different conversation, and said, out of the blue, "you dissociate."  Well, yeah, that's a pretty common symptom of CPTSD, but when I asked him to keep it in the four week window, he refused, and started throwing me things that I had done YEARS ago. What could I say? The faith and strength I had dawn from my very short recovery was gone. It was like he was saying I will never get better, and now I believe him. I wish he could just concentrate on the positive aspects of my recovery, and support me in that, rather then telling me I'm not going well enough. I have given up, I feel like I was ALWAYS be that crazy, awful person that I was. I had a terrible night last night, hysterical crying, and he didn't even ask me how I felt this morning. When I asked why, he said he was just trying to keep things positive.

[globetrotter]

Perhaps you can take a break or alternate weeks with your personal therapy sessions for a couples session in between, maybe going to one of your therapists so you're staying on track?

[keepfighting]

I am sorry you had such a terrible night but glad you made it through. 

Have you discussed the situation with your bf with your t? (Do you and your bf each have your own t?) What did he/she advice you to do?

It somehow feels like your bf is making those nasty comments and remarks in order to put you down, keep you feeling small and bad about yourself and boost his own ego. They are mean and nasty and totally uncalled for. You don't deserve them - you deserve praise and support for the progress you have made and are making, not shaming and blaming for something that happened in the past or something that happens over which you have little control (yet).

Don't give up on yourself - you've taken a big step in realizing what's 'wrong' with you and getting stronger. Kudos to you!

Maybe you should write down some positive thoughts to replace the negative ones when you're feeling low again:

1) I am taking action to make myself feel and behave better. I deserve a little self compassion on my journey.

2) I am a good person and I love myself.

3) Due to circumstances beyond my control I have CPTSD. I am working on it as best as I can and I'm doing good.

4) ...

It's weird, really, that your bf seems so set on keeping you in the same (emotional) corner you've been in for the past 12 years. My dh was quite relieved with every little progress I've made since it has improved not only my wellbeing but also our relationship and the family life. You'd expect your bf to cheer you on  .

Hang in there!

[Kizzie]

The rages of your bf which you describe worry me a bit, too, especially since (if I'm reading it correctly) they seem to have started/accelerated after you've gotten stronger through your new meds and your aha-moment. They sound a bit like narcissistic rages, unpredictable and unsafe. No matter what you've done, that is not an appropriate way to respond (cat has listed a few healthier alternatives). Only you know the situations that start these rages. I've found a link about narcissistic rages and tips how to deal with them (might help with other kinds of rages, too): http://thenarcissisticlife.com/how-to-deal-with-narcissistic-rage/

First let me say welcome to Out of the Storm Darcy, you have so much on your plate but you're certainly in the right place to get some support and encouragement as you can see.   

I think KeepFighting has hit on something that may be important in all that you are experiencing - that your BF started getting worse as you started to get better.  I know several of us here have relationships with loved ones who have a personality disorder and one reaction to change in us is for the other person to feel threatened or off balance and to strike out or react in negative ways. I'm not suggesting he has a PD for sure, just that it might be good for you to have a look through our sister site Out of the FOG http://outofthefog.net/forum/, especially the "Disorders" and "Traits" and see if any of it resonates. It may simply be that he is feeling really insecure and that he needs a hand to deal with that (therapy) in more positive ways or that you are dealing with a PD in which case there are good strategies for dealing with that as well.  Your BFs behaviour is something you might want to take to your T if you haven't done so already so that you do have that hands on guidance and support.

In any case I echo what so many have said already, be really proud of the gains you have made and don't give them away to anyone for any reason. 

[Badmemories]

Hi Darcy,
I am speechless... every one gave such good answers I have nothing left to add! The best thing is that You figured out what was wrong... You found out what it was while You were Young enough to get help and actually get some time to lead a normal life! I am 60. I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder since I was in My thirtys. In fact My first depression started when I was 16 living at home. in those days they did not understand mental illness in teens...so I went untreated until I was 35. I did not understand CPTSD until I was 60.

You are on the right road now. I know it is difficult, to move forward.  You are moving out of the storm now! That is something YOU can be proud of! Some days it is hard to keep to the program.  Every day I have to do something! I used to spend time on the computer playing games, NOW I am trying to get well!  I read everyday on here, I read on OOTF, I have been reading everything on
Abuse. (My uNPDH is abusive.)  Yes I have to admit it is NOT easy! I am making progress though! That is the important thing! You have to pat Yourself on the BACK, Keep Your eye on the prize. some days You will think You are not making progress, two steps forward, One step back, some times that is the way it will go!