Left abusive marriage....not getting better?

[Faithalways]

Wow...just read this, sorry it's so long...

Hi.....fog is definitely what I live in. I hate it. I've reached out for help. I did find a wonderful therapist who explained that I was most likely married to a narcissistic sociopath.  I saw him every week for a year before I packed what I could and moved my 8 w/o son and I out while my STBX was at work.
    I thought that was the hardest part and freedom would soon taking the weight of the world off my shoulders. That was nine months ago. No feelings of relief to date.

I'm a reader. I read everything I could find about narcissism, narcissistic abuse, sociopaths....Every article, every e-book....I joined online support groups for Survivors of a Narcissistic Marriage. While I found support and kindness from these brave women there was something missing. As time moved on they got stronger and started to find their self esteem again, exactly the path I'd imagined myself to walk.

I'm afraid to tell anyone what's really going on with me in the fear my stbx would take my son.

That said, my son needs and deserves a whole and happy mommy. I think I may be suffering from complex post traumatic stress disorder. So here I am letting it all out to those of you who've been here. If this is the issue, at least there is hope that I may begin to heal.....I could use some hope

Truth is...I'm barely hanging on to just existing. Every little bit of energy, and pure determination is given to my eight year old son. We have a deeply special relationship based on mutual respect, kindness, honesty and love. A complete opposite to what I grew up with. It is so incomprehensible why taking care of his basic needs are exhausting. Feeding him, making sure he's bathed, has clean clothes, keeps up at schhool....etc. That's just not me....I used to be a organized and multitasking kind of woman.

I moved in this apartment nine months ago and there are boxes to be unpacked every where. My son's room is the only finished and organized space here.

I'm leaving the apartment less and less as time passes. Dishes piled up in my sink til they're all used and I'm forced to bleach them and put them through the dishwasher. I typically go a week or more without showering. (I have my son shower regularly)
I eat very very little yet haven't lost a pound, maybe because if my son doesn't need me I'm in my bed. I watch Netflix to NOT have to think, offers some small relief from overbearing stress and anxiety.

I would never sleep without heavy (prescribed) medication. If I don't take it I have nightmares and wake up crying and screaming. The first thing on my mind when I wake up is my stbx and what his next move will be so I can be prepared. I keep my blinds closed at all times and have my son trained to lock the door every time he comes in. I'm sure there are behaviors I'm not even aware of.

The sound of keys dropping in a counter causes my heart to race and my anxiety level skyrockets. That said Im constantly anxious. The other day my son and I brought in groceries, with my back to him, he lightly brushed up against me leaving the kitchen. I literally jumped and felt as if my heart was in my throat. This event started me on the PTSD path. In the past it was nearly IMPOSSIBLE to startle me.
I can't live like this anymore. It's as if my body and mind have been taken over. On top of this I'm also buried in shame, guilt and embarrassment. I'm lost. I'm in pain. I need some help understanding what's happening to me and how to cope with it. I survived being raised by a mentally ill single mother, who had me when she was barely 15 & was and still is a drug addict, I raised my sister who's 8 years younger than I am. I was a mother at the age of eight. Despite this we both beat the statistics and became productive members of society, we stopped the cycle of abuse and addiction.  More than anything I need hope, hope there is a light at the end of this tunnel. Because after everything I've been through....it scares the * out of me that I can't move forward, that I can't even see forward......

[Trees]

Dear Faith, welcome to Out of the Storm.  Your current crisis involving your husband sounds quite frightening!  And on top of that, it seems to have triggered the return of trauma from your abusive childhood.  There are a number of people here on this site with very similar stories.  You are not alone.

All of us here on this site are dealing with the long-term effects of complex ptsd, also known as complex trauma, and also known as developmental trauma.  Some of us take medication in order to function better, but others of us dislike medication or find it does not work for them.  There are discussions here on other paths of healing that have worked for people.

Does your therapist know about your childhood trauma?  Can you discuss it with him in confidence?

I do know there is hope!  For starters, you are a reader!  This site, and I personally, highly recommend a book by Pete Walker, "CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving."  It is a warm and compassionate explanation of many of the aspects of CPTSD.  It will help with your confusion about what is happening to you.  It will show you that you are not alone and that there is hope indeed.

Though the circumstances of my own journey with CPTSD are somewhat different than yours, I do know very well those overwhelming feelings of fear, shame, pain, confusion, exhaustion.  You are so wonderful to be able to care for your son through all of this!  You deserve relief.  You deserve to be well cared for.  You deserve the kind of care you give to your son.

I hope you will stay in touch here.  Big hugs to you           

[mourningdove]

Hi Faithalways and welcome!

It's no wonder that you are having CPTSD symptoms after all that you have been through. I must say that given all that you are dealing with, the fact that you are able to be so dedicated to your son is very inspiring. I know you are short on hope right now, but I have a lot of hope for you.

May you find comfort and healing. 

[Butterfly]

Welcome and what an awful situation. It sounds like you're feeling very unsafe and triggered often even though you are safe physically. This is flashbacks. I'm familiar with the need for sleep meds to get any sleep at all and waking with nightmares despite the medication. With much focused effort things are better for me now.

Pete Walkers book helped me so much and this link might he'll get you started:
http://www.pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm

Share what you feel comfortable sharing as you're able. Change up the details enough to make things unrecognizable. Most times what seems vague to you is enough information for the community to help because we *get* it and can relate.

If you'd like this post moved to the intro board so you can get some responses from others please let me know.

[Servelan]

I don't have kids, but I have a house to work on, and it's making progress while I am not so I can relate a bit to what you are going through (my ex left me with a ton of work that needs to be done, everything from installing window trim and blinds to putting siding on the house).  I had a talk with my counselor about the self-harm I do regularly; I don't eat enough and I don't sleep enough, and since I know better (intellectually) and don't do better, the only way to characterize it is as self-harm.  My abuser's 'voice', manifested via my anxiety and resulting not eating and sleeping as I need to, is still too loud for me to say I am safe, I am worth taking care of, and all the other counters to my inner critic.  I have Pete Walker's book and recommend it; I e-mailed him to ask if he thought it would be good for someone coming out of a long-term abusive marriage (19 years) and he said yes, that he sees the same kinds of symptoms in survivors of abusive relationships.